So, I’ve made a relationship with one of the nurses here. We’ve agreed that I’m going to take three bites of everything on my plate. After a week of this, she’s going to reward me with nail polish. As long as I stick to my end of the bargain. I ended up cutting yesterday because of the memories. Yesterday was an anniversary day of things that happened to mo as a child. I have to learn to separate my ED voice from my own thoughts.
I am so depressed. I just wish I could have control back with food… I have to finish a meal this week, because i promised my therapist I would finish one. I just hope I can do it.
I’m feeling sad today. I just want the control back over my life. Food dominates every fascet of it. I can’t even finish an entire meal for Pete’s sakes. Just blah. That’s all.
I failed miserably to eat any of my meals today. I just hate food. I fear food because I don’t want to gain weight. Food to me is fat… I just want to stop this cycle, but don’tknow how to get the control back. Food controls my life. I feel like if iI don’t eat, I have control, but really the food is controlling me…
update trigger talk of eating disorders
so my therapist told me today that i meet all the signs of anorexia except being underweight. I had to promise my therapist I would eat an entire meal this week. I’m honestly not ready to give up my behavior, because it’s become like a friend to me. I restrict my food intake. I’m just looking for support. I know it’s not healthy, but I keep doing it. It’s like the food has the control. I feel as if I’ve lost control. Not sure how to get it back.
Working on paperwork to get into Mercy Ministries Intake hoping they get it all by midweek next week. Not sure what the next steps are, but I’m looking forward to what God will do in my life. I can’t wait to meet the girls at Mercy.
So, I now live in a shelter care. They do everything for you like cleaning, laundry and cooking. My doctor put me here after I went back to the hospital for running out of meds. My foster mom said it wasn’t her job to take care of a twenty three year old’s medications. I’m trying to grt into a place called Mercy Ministries which is a six month residentail treatment program that’s free of charge. I’m going through the application process now. Hope I can get in. Wish me luck.