update on life

So, the suicidal feelings are getting worse… not better…. I don’t know what to do… Amilia really wants to cut right now… I would tell staff here at my facility, but they would just put me one to one with a security guard which isn’t helping anyone… I just feel so alone right now… I just wish I could talk to my therapist, but I can’t. She’s not at work, and she doesn’t respond to emails on the weekends. I’m not allowed to call a hotline, or my facility will take away my phone… I just feel like I have no one to talk to right now. I just feel so alone and lost. I’m in the depths of despair… I just wish I could do something about this pain. If I were going to kill myself,I would use the stapples I have in my room to slit my wrists… I’m just done living like this. I keep meeting more and more alters. I’m up to 20 now. 11 more just introduced themselves to me today on top of the four that I wrote about in my last blog post. This is getting scary… I just wish I could do something about this dissociation. I hate it when people tell me to just get over the abuse I suffered for seventeen years. I hate the fact that people are telling me what and how to believe. I hate the cult for putting those lies in my head… I just want to feel some sense of normalcy. I just keep slipping farther and farther down into the hole of depression…. I just wish I could make it stop. My pain is palpable. I feel it through every part of my body. I’m just done with everything….

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