emailing my therapist

So, I’m emailing my therapist today. Things are falling apart, and I’m spiralling out of control. I may have to drop my college classes because I still don’t  have my books. I just wish I could do something about all this. Just feeling really alone with DID. I feel I have to hide it because the staff here don’t understand it. I feel like aI can’t be myself.


So, I’m really struggling a lot. a lot of alters are suicidal… I just wish I could make them see that they have the right to live. I just wish I could make it through school… I wish I didn’t have to drop my classes… I’m really struggling a lot…

struggling a lot…

So, I’m sturuggling a lot…. Alters are acting out and self-harming and not eating. They aren’t on the same page with me going back to school. Amilia left a suicide note on my computer a few days ago. On Friday, I was playing a game on my computer when I blacked out, and when I came back there were cuts on my arm and a broken cd in my hand.

Last Sunday, my sister supposedly committed suicide, but I haven’t seen an obituary yet. So not sure if this person was telling the truth or not. My call light on Friday was going off for like fifteen minutes, and no one came to my room. I had to leave the room to go get help. On my way out of my room to my counselor’s office, I met a member of staff and told her what had happened. I don’t remember any of it. I’m just really struggling right now. I’m supposed to start school on Monday, but not all my insiders are on the same page as me in that regard. I see all the early warning signs of a relapse….

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update time!!!!!

So last night Amilia came out and ended up cutting. It’s very superficial, so it will heal pretty quickly. Amilia left a suicide note on my computer the day before yesterday… I just wish I could have stopped her this time. A few days ago, she broke a CD, but I came out before she could do anything. I was told that that was a big step in recovery from DID, but I couldn’t stop her this time. I think she’s angry that I’m going back to school. She hates the existence of the body. I wish I could make her see that she has nothing to be afraid of. I just need time to process all of this… I’m getting excited to go back to school. I guess the other insiders aren’t looking forward to school though. When you have 120 other people to contend with their needs, it can get overwhelming… Amilia wants the body to die, and Erica doesn’t want to eat at all. I’ve lost five pounds in the last week because of this. I’m down to 145 pounds now… Sorry this is so long. I just had a lot to say this time.

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feeling depressed…

So, I’m feeling really sad today… My sister committed suicide yesterday. Plus, I had to drop my college classes because of a high school transcript thing. Not sure if I can even reenroll in them at this point… Just feeling really alone right now… Amilia really wants to cut right now…. Just wish I could do something about all this. Plus, my bank charged me $10 for a replacement debit card. My facility took that out of my $30 that I got from my check… So I have to live off $20 this month…. Just feeling really overwhelmed with everything…. Just wish memories would just go away…

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college stuff and ramblings

So, I will be taking online classes for college. My high school transcript had to be mailed to the school. They couldn’t accept a faxed transcript. So, I had to drop my classes that I was in and reenroll in them on Friday. We may have to call my advisor to get recommendations for online classes.

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