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no appointments this morning

So, my insurance fell through with transportation, and the therapist I was supposed to see to tell her I wasn’t working with her anymore never called me back yesterday to see what we could do to get me there. Just spoke with another therapist at the same agency who was going to get me into DBT, and we have decided to consult with Dr. V. W have to figure out a long term plan for transportation and figure out the best treatment plan so that all my providers are on the same page. So we have had a very frustrating morning. We’re still seeing Dr. V at 4:00 today.

Ray

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day of appointments

So, I have a day full of appointments. First our homemaker is coming over for an hour and ahalf to help with things around the house, then I have an appointment with my soon to be former therapist, then after that, I have an appointment with anorhter therapist to discuss whether DBT is going to be good to do right now. Then at four, I meet with my psychologist. I will blog about all those things. So you will see a few posts from us. Have a good day, and thanks for reading.

Ray

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diary entry from hospital: Cynthis on cutting *trigger warning*

Knife to skin. I want the sweet release of the blood flowing down my arm. One cut isn’t enough. I want more. I want to go deeper and deeper. I just want to cut out all the pain, all the shame, all the hurt. I want people to se how much I hurt. I want peace, peace from the pain, peace forever. I’ve done this before, but Ray doesn’t know about it. I’ve kept it from her. I stole her brother’s pocketknife. I hope she doesn’t hate me for it. I took the abuse most of the time from her grandparents. She heard the words, but I took the beatings. I meant well, but now I feel ashamed for scarring her body.

Cynthia age 15

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passworded posts

So, I’m passwording the next few posts because they are diary entries from a two month hospital stay in a psych ward. Please email me at

Rayette.rucker23

If you want the password.

Ray

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Passwording some future posts

So, I am password some future posts because they are diary entries from a two month stay at a psychiatric hospital. If you want the password, you can email me at

rayette.rucker23@gmail.com

Ray

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EATING DISORDER RECOVERY TIPS

Get rid of the scale!!!

You are not defined by the number on the scale. You are much more than that. I understand if you are trying to lose weight for health reasons, but you dont need to do it unhealthily.

Find someone you can talk to.

Having someone to talk to really helps me to know that I’m not alone. By the way, if anyone needs to talk, I’m here. You can email me at

rayetteddruckerblebc%gmail.com

Reach out for help!!

You want to nip an ED in the butt before it destroys you. I know an ED is all about control, but you want to take control of it before it takes control of you. I’ve been dealing with an ED for the last 17 years.

Join a support group.

I’m still learning to accept these tips myself, and I know there will be days when I struggle, but we all can overcome this. You are beautiful just the way you are. I believe in you. From no one else does, just remember my blog and that I believe in you. Stay strong and keep fighting no matter how hard it gets. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I just felt like someone needed to hear that. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Ray

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POTS FLARE UP!!!

So, today has been hard. My POTS is flaring up again. I woke up this morning, and I checked my pulse, it was 69. I got up and went to make breakfast. All I did was put it in the microwave. Within 15 minutes of standing, my heart rate was 161. I had woken up at 10:15 am, but by 2, I was tired and had to go to sleep again. I only woke up about an hour ago. POTS is so frustrating to live with. I go to the cardiologist on Monday to get a second oppinion about it. If anyone has any advice on dealing with this condition, please help. I’m taking in extra salt and as much as I can. I also have an eating disorder. Thanks for reading.

Ray

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IS OUR EXPERIENCE VALID???

So this is going to be long. So I am Ray. I am the host and the dominant personality. I used to go by Rayette, that is until my therapist convinced me to change my name to Ray. Rayette hasn’t been out since we were younger. She still thinks it’s 1993. She doesn’t realize that 25 years almost have passed. She aged with me and watched on the inside to gain the knowledge that I have, so she knows how to use computers and how to use other electronics. I know our experience may not fit the typical textbook case of DID, but every case is different. Just wanted to vent my frustrations here and want to hear people’s thoughts.

Ray

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SO CONFUSED!!!!

Hey, its Rayette. I figured out how to do this whole Internet thing by watching from the inside. Why does everything seem so different? It’s still 1993… But I dont understand why everything is all jumbled. Dont know how to cope with life. Want to run away!!!! I didnt even know we were multiple!!! Feeling crazy!!! Is anybody there? I’m freaking out!!!

Rayette

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homemaker coming soon

So, my homemaker is coming soon. She is going to help me clean, do personal care, cook, and we are going to get to know each other. She will come on Wednesdays and Fridays from 10:30 to 2:30 PM. Her name is Michelle. They haven’t found staff for the other days. Apparently, I have more hours than people usually get. I guess it’s because of the POTS and the blindness. Today, I’m going to ask her if she can help make breaded Italian chicken, broccoli and mashed potatoes. Not sure what we will put it in as I only have small storage containers. Hoping this goes well.

Ray