diary entry from hospital: Cynthis on cutting *trigger warning*

Knife to skin. I want the sweet release of the blood flowing down my arm. One cut isn’t enough. I want more. I want to go deeper and deeper. I just want to cut out all the pain, all the shame, all the hurt. I want people to se how much I hurt. I want peace, peace from the pain, peace forever. I’ve done this before, but Ray doesn’t know about it. I’ve kept it from her. I stole her brother’s pocketknife. I hope she doesn’t hate me for it. I took the abuse most of the time from her grandparents. She heard the words, but I took the beatings. I meant well, but now I feel ashamed for scarring her body.

Cynthia age 15

6 Replies to “diary entry from hospital: Cynthis on cutting *trigger warning*”

  1. Hi Cynthia, You don’t know us yet but we’re a system, too, and we also struggle with self-harm, though only occasionally now.
    I know you want the pain to stop. I get that. But you don’t deserve MORE pain to make the old pain stop. You deserve peace, but the peace you’re wishing for is not the only peace one can achieve. I want to encourage you to find peace in the life here and now. It can be just moments short, sometimes longer. Find what makes you feel peaceful, what makes you feel calm and good. For us that can be rereading a favorite book, looking at flowing water (ocean/river/lake), looking at something beautiful like a painting, breathing really deeply and enjoying some sunshine, etc.
    We also have someone in our system who goes to the knife/tools to make the pain stop for us, who means well, because it’s the only way he knows how. But I promise you there are other ways!
    There’s an app called CalmHarm, maybe you want to try it out next time you want to self-injure. It’s helped us twice already, and we’ve only had it for a week.
    We are strangers, true, but you can talk to us if you ever want to, ok?


  2. Hi There, we haven’t spoken in some time, but hope writing this out has released some of those feelings. Just so you know, I’m thinking of you 💜


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