THOUGHTS ON THE MOVIE TO THE BONE

So, after watching the movie To the Bone, I have some things I would like to say.

First, the movie suggests that you have to be a certain size to have an ED. This is just simply not the case. You can have an ED at any size. It doesn’t matter if you aren’t on your deathbed or if you’re not deathly skinny, you are sick enough for treatment. If you engage in behaviors or have disordered thoughts, then you deserve treatment. An ED is a mental ilbbness. Just because you might be removered physically, you still have to do the mental work necessary for recovery.

My primary care provider told me I wasn’t sick enough for treatment, but that’s just one doctor’s oppinion.

Second, that movie was very very very triggering. Even watching the movie with DVS, I could just tell by what the narrator was saying about how the characters were acting that it was triggering, not to mention what the people themselves were saying. Like, they were talking about the number of calories in certain foods.

And lastly, I don’t agree that they have an actress who already had an ED lose weight for the role of someone else with an ED. I would think that would be triggering for her to do that. Those are just my thoughts.

Ray

THINGS MY CARE COORDINATOR ARE WORKING ON

So, our care coordinator just left. She is going to call transportation to make sure they can take me to my appointments, and once I find out from her if that can happen, I’m going to call OSF in Peoria for their eating disorders program to schedule an assessment with them to see which level of care I need. The assessment will take 2 hours. She is also going to call the ER to see if we can come up with a crisis plan if we ever needed to use them again. She thinks she has found a therapist in Springfield who works with both trauma and ED. If I go to this program in Peoria, I will have a dietician as well. I think this is a good plan. What do you all think?

Ray

CARE COORDINATOR IS COMING THIS MORNING

So our care coordinator is coming this morning. Not sure what this is going to be about, but I guess we will see. Hoping something good can come of it. I have had my morning Ensure today already. I’m really trying hard at this whole recovery thing. I’ve been dealing with this ED for way to long. Hoping that when Jennifer comes this morning she has some ideas for what we can do about this. Hope everyone has a good day. I plan on posting here more after the appointment. Much love to all of you, and thank you for all your support. It really means a lot. I love each and every one of you. I have a friend named Carol Anne. You can follow her blog at

www.therapybits.com

I know she would appreciate it. To anyone who is struggling today, you’re not alone.

Ray

ONE OF MY FAVORITE SONGS: MENDED BY MATHEW WEST

How many times can one heart break,

It was never sposed to be this way.

Look in the mirror

But you find someone

You never thought you’d be.

Oh but I can still recognize

The one I love in you tear stained eyes.

I know you might not see it now,

So lift your eyes to me.

When you see broken beyond repair,

I see healing beyond belief.

When you see to far gone,

I see one step away from home.

When you see nothing but damaged goods,

I see something good in the making.

I’m not finished yet,

When you see wounded I see mended.

You see your worst mistake

But I see the price I paid.

There’s nothing you could ever do

To lose what grace has won.

So hold on,

It’s not the end.

No this is where love’s work begins.

I’m making all things new,

And I will make a miracle of you.

When you see broken beyond repair,

I see healing beyond belief.

When you see to far gone,

I see one step away from home.

You see nothing but damaged goods,

I see something good in the making.

I’m not finished yet,

Ooo, when you see wounded,

I see mended.

I see my child,

My beloved,

The new creation you’re becoming,

You see the scars from when you fell,

But I see the stories they will tell.

You see worthless,

But I see priceless.

You see pain,

But I see a purpose.

You see unworthy, undeserving,

But I see you through eyes of mercy.

When you see broken beyond repair,

I see healing beyond belief.

You’re not to far gone,

You’re one step away from home.

You see nothing but damaged goods,

I see something good in the making.

I’m not finished yet,

Ooo, when you see wounded, I see mended.

Oo, I see mended.

Woo, oo, I see mended.

I’m not finished yet,

When you see wounded, I see mended.

THEY DIDN’T WIN!!!

The insurance company didn’t win their battle to get me put into a nursing home. I’m glad of that. Just wanted to let everyone know that we’re still at home.

ray

NOT GOING TO LET THEM WIN!!!!

I’m going to stay in my apartemtn and keep my independence. They can’t do anything without a court saying so. They have to have the judge’s say. They can’t just put me into a facility against my will. I’m my own guardian. I will not allow it. I will fight like hell to stop this from happening. We don’t belong in a nursing home!!!!!!!!!!

Ray

[DID, treatment, eating disorder, ED, residential, nursing home, mental illness]

INSURANCE WANTS TO JUST THROW ME AWAY NOT ACTUALLY PAY FOR MY TREATMENT!!!

More, my insurance just wants to an intermediate care facility. My care coordinator got a behavioral health coordinator involved in our case, and that person, without even talking to me, decided that my meds needed to be stabalized. My care coordinator called me earlier and told me that this other person had found an inpatient facility that would be really good for me. I asked her what it was called, and she told me it was called Rock River Gardens in Sterling Il. They’re listed as a nursing home on their website. They’re not trauma informed and they don’t have a dietician that comes in regularly. I would only get $60 out of my check a month. My care coordinator is coming to my house on Monday to talk to me. She can’t force me to go to this place!!! I was sexually assaulted at a place like this!!! Not doing it again!!! They don’t have treatment that I need for my issues here in Il, so they want to put me with a bunch of elderly people? I think not!!! Anyone know how I can fight this?

Ray

ONE OF  MY FAVORITE SONGS: BEAUTY FROM PAIN

The lights go out all around me

One last candle

to keep out the night

and then the darkness surrounds me

I know I’m alive

but I feel like I’ve died

and all that’s left

is to accept that it’s over

my dreams ran like sand

through the fist that I’ve made

I try to keep warm

But I just grow colder

I feel like I’m slipping away

After all this has past

I still will remain

After I’ve cried my last

There’ll be beauty from pain

though it won’t be today

Someday I’ll hope again

And there’ll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me

the best I can do is just get through the day

one life before is only a memory

I wonder why God lets me walk through this place

And though I can’t understand why this happened

I know that I will when I look back someday

And see how you’ve brought

Beauty from ashes

and made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has past

I still will remain

after I’ve cried my last

There’ll be beauty from pain

Though it won’t be today

Someday I’ll hope again

And there’ll be beauty from pain

Here I am

at the end of me

trying to hold

to what I can’t see

I forgot how to hope

This night’s been so long

I cling to your promise

There will be a dawn

After all this has past

I still will remain

after I’ve cried my last

There’ll be beauty from pain

Though it won’t be today

Someday I’ll hope again

and there’ll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain.

Beauty From Pain by Superchick

NO THERAPIST???

So, my psychologist just terminated me. He said it’s because I can’t let go of my beliefs about food. He only had 8 sessions with us. Now we have no one who specializes in DID or ED. Also, our psychiatrist’s office told me yesterday that they don’t work with patients with ED. If I want to get any kind of treatment, I have to go to Chicago for subsidized housing which the waiting lists are long for. They range between 6 months to a year or longer. Just feel so lost, defeated, alone, and depressed.

FROM EMIE

HI, IM EMIE AND IM 13. IM FAT!!!!!!! WHY DID RAY HAVE TO EAT THAT PIZZA!!!!! I HAVE TO STARVE AND PURGE!!!! I HATE THE WAY I LOOK. I WANT TO LOSE AND LOSE THE WEIGHT… I HATE BEING FAT!!!!!! NO ONE THINKS WE ARE SICK ENOUGH FOR ED TREATMENT.

EMAI