FEELING SO DAMN FRUSTRATED

I’M FEELING SO DAMN FRUSTRATED!!! JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!

TRIGGER WARNING: MENTIONS NUMBERS: WEIGHT

WE WEIGH 90 POUNDS AND OUR BMI IS 15.3 AND BODY FAT IS 14.6, AND NO ONE WILL DO A DAMN THING!!! I AM TRYING TO HELP, BUT WE CAN’T CONTINUE TO DO THIS ON OUR OWN!!! I DON’T WANT TO DIE, NOT FROM THE PHYSICAL COMPLICATIONS OF THIS DAMN EATING DISORDER. IT IS SAD THAT 20% OF PEOPLE WITH ANOREXIA WILL DIE!!! I DON’T WANT TO BE ONE OF THOSE STATISTICS!!! I’M AFRAID WE WILL END UP ON A MEDICAL FLOOR GETTING FED WITH AN NG TUBE, AND NONE OF US WANT THAT!!! IV’S WERE USED IN OUR TRAUMA!!! HELL NO!!! WISH OUR DOCTORS WOULD JUST MAKE THE DAMN REFERRAL!! THOSE THREE DOCTORS WE’VE SEEN, AND NOT ONE OF THEM HAS MADE THE REFERRAL OR DONE A DAMN THING!!!

ENIGMA

Tags[alters, DID, anorexia, ED, inpatient, hospital, eating disorder, ED treatment, mental illness, mental health]

therapy today

So we had therapy today. It was a very productive session. We talked about a lot. We discussed the results from the Hartgrove assessment and how Lily agreed with it to the T. she says she wants to help us to communicate with each other and to create safe places inside for everyone. She wants to use EMDR later when we start processing trauma. She told me about butterfly hugs where you hug yourself and tap each side of your elbows like a butterfly. She asked me about what happens in my body and my feelings when we eat food. I was able to explain some things to her. I also talked about how there are people who are expecting that just because we aren’t in the hospital that everything is ok, but she said that she knows it’s not. And she said that was ok, that’s it’s ok to not be ok. I liked that. We had a very good session. We tried to use a program to do video sessions, bu we were having technical issues, so we just talked over the phone. I told her about the support from this group and my blog and she said to use what we could. I just wanted to say thanks everyone for your support and love. It really means a lot. Overall, a very productive session.

Ray

_tags[alters, DID, therapy, mental health, mental illness, anorexia]

WHY?

WHY CAN’t I ENJOY A DAMN PIECE OF PIE? DAMN THIS ED!!! I JUST WANT THE DAMN PIE!!! BUT, THE FUCKING CALORIES!!! DOES IT EVER GET BETTER? JUST FEELING SO DAMN HOPELESS!!!! I  WANT THAT DAMN PIECE OF PIE!!!

ENIGMA

Just Because I Eat Sweets Doesn’t MEAN I’m Not Anorexic

When I am around friends or when ‘more alone and I’ve starved for a while, I get a craving for something sweet. When I’m with my friends, they say, “Oh, so you’re better now because you’re eating a cookie!!!” Hell no, I’m not anywhere near recovered. Just because I eat sweets doesn’t mean I’m not still anorexic. I hate stereotypes!!

Ray

Is recovery worth it?

This is the question that I’m wondering today. It’s the question that’s swirling around in my mind as I sit and think about all of the obstacles that are stacked against us. The doctors who say we need treatment but who are not willing to fight the insurance company. All these treatment facilities that we call that say they cannot take us because we have Medicaid. And this is the question that remains in my mind. Is recovery really worth it? I feel like it’s a losing battle as my doctor told me the other day. He said this was going to be a losing battle at best. Could really use some encouragement and or support. Any feedback is welcome negative or positive. I just need a jumpstart to continue this process a recovery because right now I really want to give up.

Ray

testing

Just testing the post by email feature with the use of tags in posts.

Tags [alters, DID, mental illness]

Sent from Mail for Windows 10

FEELING VERY ANGRY *TW*

HI EVERYONE,

IT’S ENIGMA, AND I’M ANGRY. I’M ANGRY THAT NO ONE IS WILLING TO FIGHT THE INSURANCE COMPANY AND THAT WE HAVE TO CONTINUE TO SUFFER WITH THIS LIFE-THREATENING DISEASE!!! WE NO LONGER HAVE THE ENERGY TO YELL AT PEOPLE, SO WE WILL WRITE INSTEAD. IT ENRAGES ME THAT THE DOCTORS AREN’T WILLING TO FIGHT FOR WHAT WE NEED!!!! I HATE THAT RAY IS TRYING SO HARD ONLY TO BE TOLD OVER AND OVER AGAIN THAT THEY CAN’T HELP HER. WE THOUGHT THAT IF SHE DIDN’T TELL THEM ABOUT US THAT THEY WOULD BE MOREINCLINED TO HELP US, BUT NO, THAT’S NOT THE CASE AT ALL!!!! UGH THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING!!! ANY ADVICE?

ENIGMA

Tags[ED, DID, alters, anorexia, insurance, Medicaid, doctors, mental illness, mental health, stigma, recovery, dissociative identity disorder]

don’t want to die

I don’t want to die from this disease called anorexia. I just can’t bring myself to do the one thing that will save me, eat. I can’t stop excercising. I can’t stop thinking about using laxatives and drinking diet coke. I just need help!!! I have all these doctors telling me that we need to be somewhere, but no noe is willing to fight the insurance company. It’s like the insurance company is like the boogie man, and it’s an impenetrable brick wall. I know that if this continues, it will literally kill me. Why do I have to think constantly about calories? Why do I have to look at the fat content of food? Why do I have to know what is in everything I eat? I spend all my time thinking about food. The depression is so fucking real!!!! God, I hate it!! Just some morning thoughts at 7 AM.

Tags[Ed, anorexia, eating disorders, mental illness, mental health, weight, recovery, suicide, death]

Low Energy And Feeling Hopeless

Hi everyone,

So I went to my doctor on Monday, and he said that my weight was stable… BMI is 15.5. He said he’d see me in two months.

Also, had a conversation with my caseworker, and she said, “your dietitian isn’t going to let you die.” I told her it’s not about “letting” me die. There are things with eating disorders that can’t be seen visibly with like labs and stuff. She also takes things so personally!!

My doctor didn’t take labs, and hasn’t since June. He’s not taking them again until he sees me in two months. I just don’t know. Guess I’ll just wait for nothing to happen. I’m trying to eat. I really am, but it feels impossible. Any support would be greatly appreciated.

Ray