So we had therapy yesterday. We were exhausted when we got home so went right to sleep afterward. We discussed a lot. have most of the session, and then Emmie had some of it to. I talked about how there’s only so long that we can be expected to be strong, and how that I felt like we were being retraumatised again by the insurance company because it felt like they had all the control. It feels like they are dictating our lives. I was so overwhelmed. Lily introduced us to theraplay. It’s a technique that helps me and other parts get the care we never got as children. It helps us experience what a true attachment is supposed to be. You use things like objects to stemulate the senses. It’s pretty cool. Also, things like good toutching and pressure touch using lotion to show what a good touch is. It was a good session.
So yesterday I went to see Dr. Dynda, and he said that from a medical standpoint everything was fine as my vitamin D went up by three points. He said your weight is stable it’s above 90 pounds at least it’s not 80 or 70 pounds. He seen me in three months. He also told me that we have to restart this entire process of trying to get into River Oaks. What has all this work done for for the last year? Has it been for nothing? I just feel like everyone spinning their wheels because no one knows what to do.
Also talked to Lily on the phone yesterday and we talked about the sexual assaults that we suffered as an adult. I thought I was ready to tell her about them so I forced myself to, but that was not a good idea. I am some of the others are in flashback land. It’s not good. My doctor also wants me to go to my psychiatrist appointment today, but here’s the psychiatrist who said he does not believe we meet criteria for anything that we’ve been diagnosed with. I cannot knowingly go to someone who is not going to believe what I say. So I’m not going. The doctor did say that if I don’t go it would not look good on my insurance. He said it would look like I am not complying with the treatment they are willing to cover.*Sarcasm*
Today we are meeting with Sarrah for a two hour mental health assessment review. Sara is our caseworker. I think Amelia is going to write her a letter or something I’m not entirely sure what’s going on with that, but there’s really nothing Sara can do. If the insurance won’t pay for the treatment we need, we can’t force them.
Going to the doctor in a little bit, and I know I have gained weight. My fear is that he is going to say I am not sick enough for treatment because I gained 2 pounds. I just wish this were easier for us to handle. I hope we are able to get into river oaks. I know I need treatment, but I still can’t help feeling that I’m not sick enough that I don’t deserve it.
feeling like an object
like a puppet on a string.
forced to bend to their every whim.
where do i fit in?
you used me as your pleasure
my pain was your release.
well, to hell with you!!!
GO TO HELL ABUSERS!!!
So today is national system pride day. It was set up by the Entropy system on YouTube. You need to be proud of your system and for what they ‘be helped your survive. They all deserve to know that they are appreciated. Show them love and do something to make them feel appreciated. Play with your littles or write them notes if you don’t have good communication. And don’t forget to check out the Entropy system on YouTube!!
So we officially have no primary care provider and no psychiatrist. Yesterday I called to check on an appointment and they told me that I transferred out of that medical group with my primary care provider as his patient which I did not do. No one can tell me what the hell is going on. Then I spoke to my psychiatrist nurse who told me that he agreed that I needed a higher level of care, but then half an hour later I get a call from his secretary saying that I don’t meet criteria for any of the diagnoses that I have been diagnosed with in his opinion. I don’t understand how after three times of seeing me in one year he can say this when the appointments have only been 15 minutes with the exception of the first appointment which was 40 minutes. How can he discount something such as anorexia when the signs are clearly there? What did we do to deserve this? I don’t know what we are going to do now. Now we are not being medically monitored for the eating disorder.