trauma and depression

Trigger warning: depression and trauma
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Oh how I wish I could help Lacey. I know she struggling so so much. I just wish I could take away her pain. I wish I could take her out of the memories and flashbacks and take away the feelings. I wish I could help her want to live. She started out by protecting me, but now I am protecting her. How is that possible? I don’t know. I just know so many of us are in so much pain. I’m trying to hold things together as best I can.
Ray

struggling TW from Lacey

TW trauma and sadness
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im not ok. i hate memories. i hate flashbacks. im back there again. i dont wanna feel. i wanna be safe. i hate this. hate being so sad. just feels like a black hole. thoughts in my mind so bleak and dark… just wanna feel numb.. hate this time of year. it still feels like 2005. can hear my grandparents yelling and screaming.
Lacey 13

trigger warning: medical stuff and still more waiting

Trigger warning: medical stuff and eating disordert
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So today, we saw a different nurse practitioner as our primary care doctor is on vacation until Monday. We don’t know what we are going to do from now on because my primary care provider was seeing me once a month until the residential treatment got approved, so now I guess they are going to talk and figure it out. I also think the nurse practitioner is going to refer me to a geneticist to get tested for Ehlers-Danlos syndrome but she believes I most likely have. I also have to see the ENT again because we have ear infections in both ears. This is not good as ear infections in the past have caused our eardrum to rupture which the left one already is. We are very fatigued and in a lot of pain both because of EDS and body memories. I hope my team can figure something out. I’m hoping that I can go to the geneticist and maybe get some answers. They might need an echocardiogram before they can get it approved, but not sure yet. Think we are going to go to sleep for a while, and hopefully when we wake up, we will be in less pain. Doesn’t help that we are on our period.
Ray

Going on vacation and possibly moving? What?

So, in December, and for New Year’s, we are going to California to visit our friend Synica. Her dad has frequent flyer miles that he is allowing us to use to be able to fly there. They have four units or apartment like places that her grandfather owns, and in six or eight months, two of them will be remodeled, so Synica and I can share a living space! When we go there in December, Synica said we could walk around disney. She is completely supportive of us and wishes we could get out of Illinois to. I know California has a lot more options as far as treatment and their medical program is better than Illinois. Can’t wait to get a much-needed vacation in the sunshine. The weather in California is supposed to be really awesome! In other good news the department of vocational rehab services has agreed to pay for me to get online assistive technology certifications. These classes will only take 10 weeks to complete, and after that, I could potential he get a job and get off of SSI and Medicaid once I worked my way up. Plus, the schooling would give me something else to focus on other than insurance. Our Littles are excited because Synica has a ton of toys including Barbies! Yay!Ray and Little’s

Is it ok?

What more can we do to get the treatment we need? What more can we do that we haven’t already done? Is it ok that we’re struggling with food and stuff and trauma right now? Is it ok or understandable that we aren’t making a lot of progress? Just feeling so defeated…
Ray

Can’t Sleep…

Good morning everyone,

So we can’t sleep. Nightmares are not cool. Not cool at all!!!! We hate this month. Think I will be up for a while. Ugh. I want the memories to stop!!!

Emmie 12

The hearing results

So today we had the hearing. We didn’t get the results we were hoping for. Meridian tried to throw some off-the-wall legal crap to derail our plans, and it worked. My attorney’s have to do more research to try to combat their arguments. The treatment center also said that a PHP program will not benefit us that we need residential treatment. My entire treatment team is angry with them, and Medicaid has some ludicrous laws about paying for residential treatment. I guess only Illinois has these laws. We are going to use the parody law argument to hopefully help our case. I really hope that something happens, or eventually we will be going to the media.

Ray

New Mac

Hi everyone, I got my new Mac yay!!!! And I’m blogging from the Mars Edit app!!!

Ray