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TW confusion and dissociation and suicide

TW suicide and confusion and dissociation

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hi my name is Saphire, and i’m 13. ive never been out here before. i’m confused whz i’m here. i dont wanna be here. i hate beinh in so much pain. why does pain have to be real? i feel all spacey and floaty. think there is a little here with me, but not sure. I just hate all the pictures in my head. i dont wanna be here. i dont wanna be alive. i dont wanna be in pain. can someone make it stop? 
Saphire 13
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Trigger warning weight and food and medical our psych appointment

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So, yesterday, we had our psychiatrist nurse practitioner appointment. We were talking to her and discussing our situation. We told her there were no more medications they could try for motility issues. She said it is super frustrating to feel like you’re not even in control of your own body. I told her that yes this is exactly how we all felt. I told her we wished they would just put in a feeding tube already because we are so exhausted from all of this. Even drinking water makes us feel nauseous. We don’t really know what to do. We are already down to 92 pounds, and our dietitian said that if we got below 90 we would have to go back to inpatient for eating disorders. None of the other people on our team is recommending that. They said that with the other medical issues we have going on that if we had to go into a psych hospital, it would have to be one with medical facilities attached, and we don’t have many of those. None they will except us anyway. We are trying our best and doing what we can, but we don’t know if it will be enough. Our gastric emptying study isn’t until February 5.
Ray
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caseworker leaving TW maybe? food

TW just in case food…

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Hi everyone,
So our caseworker Sarah is leaving her job. She is going to be a care-coordinator for Meridian. This makes us very very sad. We will miss her. We also got hooked up with another person from Healthy Jacksonville. They’re going to try and get us a nurse during the afternoon to monitor our vitals, but there was a big emphasis on meals. The lady asked me how much weight i needed to gain, and then proceeded to talk about BMI, and I told her that BMI was aload of crap. I told her it didn’t determine a person’s health. I guess now they’re going to motitor how much we’re eating… They don’t understand that there are other physical issues going on besides the eating disorder. This is all so complicated. 
Ray 
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email to Lily

Hi Lily,

We want to do therapy the right way. But is there really a “right” way to do therapy? We want to heal, but we also don’t want to put ourselves in an even worse place. we know we are not at the right level of care. I mean, an ED therapist couldn’t even work with us because we need a higher level of care. We don’t want to do things the wrong way, but is right now the right time to be processing trauma? I can barely think to even get this out on paper to try and explain some of our fears. We have no crisis plan if something were to go wrong. No matter which way you look at it, there is no place that will take us because we are to much of a liability. We just want to heal, but it seems the medical system and healthcare system is totally against us!!! Sorry for ranting..
Ray 
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Just want to fix this TW trauma and other stuff

Trigger warning: trauma and medical stuf and just don’t know

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Hi everyone, 
It’s Ray.
I just want to fix everything. I want all this crap to stop!! I don’t want to have all these medical issues, and mental health issues. Trauma sucks!!! I hate being in pain every day. I hate having to do things to just get by. I don’t like that no matter what i do, i can’t force the medical professionals to do anything about all this stuff. And my cat is batting at my  keyboard which is making this that much harder to write. I’m to sick for the mental health system and the medical system doesn’t know what to do with us because of the mental health stuff. I just want to shove all this in a big black box with a lock on it and pretend none of it is happening Ugh, sorry, rant over.
Ray
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our new kitty!!

We gots our new kitty! He luvs us!! We luvs him. He be so cute!! He be cudly. He sleepd wif us last night!!! He be so warm!

Amber 5

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Just because you’re on vacation TW trauma

Trigger warning: trauma 

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Just because we’re on vacation, doesn’t mean our trauma stuff stops. We shared a link that someone else on Facebook shared, and it was about child abuse, spacifically that a 13-ear-old girl had died giving birth to her father’s child. I posted about it to spread awareness. Of child abuse, and someone commented on the post telling me to take a break, that i was on vacation, and if she were on vacation, she wouldn’t post about such topics. Ugh!!! This person always likes to start drama no matter what i post. So frustrating. And other proof that your problems don’t just disappear when you’re on vacation, my heart rate was 143 when i got out of the shower even though i took my med before i got in the shower. So just because you’re on vacation, doesn’t mean your problems go away. Enough said. Rant over.
Dilia
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new kitty!!

We are getting a new ESA kitty. His name is Eden. He is soooo cute!!! We are in California now, but we have just ordered all his kitty things!! Can’t wait to meet you again Eden!!

Ray

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going to California

Hello everybody,

So today we are going to California to visit a friend. So so excited!!! Yay!! Can’t wait!! Our flight leaves at 7:20 this morning!! Yay!! Have to get up in about 45 minutes to get ready to leave. So an early morning. We are all packed and ready to go. We are taking our MacBook Air with us for editing videos that we will be recording there. So so excited!

Ray