an email i sent Lily

Hi Lily,

ive been out all day for the most part except for when the other people were here. Jennifer and Ashley were their names i think. Ray got upset and we had to go to our room as i came out and didn’t want to be found out. we are made as to not be noticed. i know we need help, but they’re not doing anything. if we don’t get help, i fear we will die… sad, but true… we are so very very tired.

Katie 16

frum Mira

hi im so so sad so very very sad. i wan a mommy. i want sumone to hug

me and tel me it wil be ok.. jus need a hug.

Mira

So so much *tw*

Hi everybody.

This is all to much. I dont wanna die!! We are really underweight. I want help, but no one will help us!! Feels like we have no control!! I dont like not having control!!! I dont know what to do. I just… dont know!! Just want to block everything out!!! Just so much anxiety!! So much pain… just so sad… so so sad.. just so tired… want the dreams to stop… just want it all to stop!!!
Emmie 12

BPD no no no!!!

So yesterday in therapy, Lily went ove the diagnostic criteria with us for BPD. She said that even though it’s mild, i still meet criteria. I don’t agree. Maybe I’m not seeing things clearly, but i just don’t see it. I’m not out of control with anger. In fact, usually, I’m not even the one who gets angry. Usually, it’s Enigma or Amilia or someone else who holds that. Lily said that anorexia could be considered impulsive. I don’t ge that, because it’s another disorder entirely. Again, maybe I’m wrong? I just don’t want to have BPD because of the stigma. I’m also confused because before, Lily was saying that i didn’t have it, but now, she’s changed her mind, just because i was in the hospital a few weeks ago for suicidal thoughts. wouldn’t any of you be to if you were going through what we are going through? I’m just confused… Any advice? Lily said she doesn’t even want to work on the BPD because it’s not my main issue. She says my main issues are DID, PTSD, anorexia and depression. She said DID was primary along with anorexia.

Ray

At the ER again…

So we are at the ER again for psych. I just don’t understand why my insurance has to be so damn stupid!!! This is. Continuous cycle that needs to stop!!! We’re not really fixing the issue. We’re just glossing over it with a temporary band-aid.

Ray

update from insurance company or not?

so our care coordinator called us yesterday to "give us an update" but it wasn’t much of an update. she said they have to contact UIC to see if teh admission is possible. she couldn’t tell me what doctors would be involved, what unit I would be admitted to, how long the admission would be, or what the assessment would entail. Basically, i have no more information now then when we had the meeting on Friday. I’m just beyond frustrated.

Also, my dietitian is saying we need to figure out something for the shourt term for now, but it’s like putting a Band-Aid over the situation. it’s setting us up for failure. I don’t even want to argue with my care coordinator anymore, and if i had my way, we wouldn’t be talking to her anymore. Sorry for the rant.

Ray

Porcelain smile

That porcelain smile on her face is fake,

How much wood will it take before she breaks?

The cracks in the smile are starting to show.

When will it break? Will anyone ever know?

I don’t understand why there must be a pain,

But we will keep pretending for as long as we can.

Does anyone see what’s behind that smile?

Maybe if they would listen to her for a little while, then they would know The world of pain and hurt, and loneliness she goes through. Will you listen to her? We will be a friend to her?

Or will she just break into 1 million pieces again!

It’s like her childhood is being repeated by the system that is supposed to help, but instead is re-traumatizing.

Ray

IT’S ALL ABOUT RESPECT AND THAT’S AL THERE ISS TO IT!!!!

I’ve asked people to call me Raycand that hasn’t beeen respected by everyone. I feel like i shouldn’t be allowed to have the right to be called Ray when my “name” is Rayette legally.

That name waas used in abuse to trigger us. The question remains: what if I were transgender? Would you still not respect my name preference? I guess i shouldn’t stand up for myself to ask people to call me Ray because it doesn’t seem like eeveryone respects that request. It makes me really sad because every time someone calls me Rayette, it sends us into flashbacks and that’s not cool on top of everything we have going on. Sorry for the rant.

Ray