have to be ok TW

trigger talk of suicidet
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i have to be ok for Ray. I see what she writes on the lists and to our therapist. She is not ok, so i have to be ok for her. i have to be strong for her. i have to keep it together for her. how long can i do that? how long can we pretend everything is ok? how long before i break? others have to help me because there’s only so much i can do. i’m doing the best i can do for us all. maybe it’s not enough. i don’t know. i’m trying, but will it be enough. how much more can i give before i have nothing left to give? it’s like the insurance is sucking any resolve we have out of all of us. or do we just pretend everything is ok and move on with life because we are never going to get the treatment we need? do we just accetp that? we feel so stuck and alone, and sad, and depressed, and distressed, and anxious. hospitals don’t believe us. they only see Ray. sorry this is so long. 
Tabitha

So so much *tw*

Hi everybody.

This is all to much. I dont wanna die!! We are really underweight. I want help, but no one will help us!! Feels like we have no control!! I dont like not having control!!! I dont know what to do. I just… dont know!! Just want to block everything out!!! Just so much anxiety!! So much pain… just so sad… so so sad.. just so tired… want the dreams to stop… just want it all to stop!!!
Emmie 12

When you have Medicaid and an eating disorder

When you have Medicaid and an eating disorder, it is next to impossible to find treatment if treatment is not available in your state. What the people at Medicaid either don’t realize or don’t care about is that 20% of anorexics will die. My insurance company told me that sometimes people died because they don’t cover the services they need when I told them this fact. So I am taking things day by day keeping an eye on my heart rate as sometimes when I walk it goes as low as 46 or even 43 bpm which is not normal for someone who is walking around the store. I just pray every day that my body does not decide to give out before I can be helped to get the treatment I so desperately need. I go to my providers who are scrambling and telling me to go to each other with no result because no one knows what to do to fight the monster that is Medicaid. All I hear from the emergency room is either go out of state for treatment or stay home and die. What is this world coming to? All I know are money hungry insurance companies who don’t care about the person but all they care about is the profit and the money they will save by not paying for someone’s much needed treatment. Actually, they are spending more money on crisis stabilization programs that I keep going in and out of when it would be far cheaper for them to pay for the treatment I need that would also be the most effective. Instead, they are constantly telling me that I need this or that for their appeal process and so we have been waiting for over a year languishing and suffering because they want to find a lower cost medically necessary alternative. I find it interesting that there a denial letter says the services that we are requesting are a non-emergent when in the appeal itself it says if we do not get treatment I am at risk of death. How is that not emergent? And the person who reviews the appeal is a psychiatrist, but do they specialize in eating disorders? The short answer is no. They also say that we need to find treatment at a lower cost medically necessary alternative which by the way is breaking state and federal parity laws. They cannot impose a fail first policy meaning they cannot tell us that we need to complete treatment at a lower level of care and fail first before they will approve a higher level of care. They are hoping that by drawing out this appeals process, we will give up trying, and even though there are some days that yes, we want to do just that, we will not. I just hope our body can hold out. Also, they say if we need immediate treatment to go to the local emergency room, but that is a dangerous thing to say because the local emergency room knows nothing about eating disorder treatment and will give a liter of fluid in one hour which for someone with an eating disorder can kill them. I do not nor will I ever understand the logic of a government insurance, and I almost wonder if this insurance company that is run by the government isn’t put in place to continue ritualistic abuse whose goal was for the person to die which is exactly what will happen if we do not get treatment. Coincidence? I think not. The only thing I wanted for Christmas this year was to get into treatment, but that is not going to happen. At least I will be around people I love. We have a long battle ahead of us, and we just hope that physically we can hold out to see it through.

Ray

Just Because I Eat Sweets Doesn’t MEAN I’m Not Anorexic

When I am around friends or when ‘more alone and I’ve starved for a while, I get a craving for something sweet. When I’m with my friends, they say, “Oh, so you’re better now because you’re eating a cookie!!!” Hell no, I’m not anywhere near recovered. Just because I eat sweets doesn’t mean I’m not still anorexic. I hate stereotypes!!

Ray

Is recovery worth it?

This is the question that I’m wondering today. It’s the question that’s swirling around in my mind as I sit and think about all of the obstacles that are stacked against us. The doctors who say we need treatment but who are not willing to fight the insurance company. All these treatment facilities that we call that say they cannot take us because we have Medicaid. And this is the question that remains in my mind. Is recovery really worth it? I feel like it’s a losing battle as my doctor told me the other day. He said this was going to be a losing battle at best. Could really use some encouragement and or support. Any feedback is welcome negative or positive. I just need a jumpstart to continue this process a recovery because right now I really want to give up.

Ray

Low Energy And Feeling Hopeless

Hi everyone,

So I went to my doctor on Monday, and he said that my weight was stable… BMI is 15.5. He said he’d see me in two months.

Also, had a conversation with my caseworker, and she said, “your dietitian isn’t going to let you die.” I told her it’s not about “letting” me die. There are things with eating disorders that can’t be seen visibly with like labs and stuff. She also takes things so personally!!

My doctor didn’t take labs, and hasn’t since June. He’s not taking them again until he sees me in two months. I just don’t know. Guess I’ll just wait for nothing to happen. I’m trying to eat. I really am, but it feels impossible. Any support would be greatly appreciated.

Ray

Diet culture: why it’s bad for people with eating disorder

I just wanted to say that the diet culture is not healthy for people with eating disorders. Diet culture tells us that it’s ok to be on a low carb diet, but actually, when you have low carbs, and you lose weight, you are actually losing glykogen. You don’t actually lose fat. All these diets like the Atkins Diet, and all these low carb diets are not good for people with anorexia or bulimia. If you have an eating disorder, you need to get help!!! Don’t fall into these fad diets!