When I am around friends or when ‘more alone and I’ve starved for a while, I get a craving for something sweet. When I’m with my friends, they say, “Oh, so you’re better now because you’re eating a cookie!!!” Hell no, I’m not anywhere near recovered. Just because I eat sweets doesn’t mean I’m not still anorexic. I hate stereotypes!!
This is the question that I’m wondering today. It’s the question that’s swirling around in my mind as I sit and think about all of the obstacles that are stacked against us. The doctors who say we need treatment but who are not willing to fight the insurance company. All these treatment facilities that we call that say they cannot take us because we have Medicaid. And this is the question that remains in my mind. Is recovery really worth it? I feel like it’s a losing battle as my doctor told me the other day. He said this was going to be a losing battle at best. Could really use some encouragement and or support. Any feedback is welcome negative or positive. I just need a jumpstart to continue this process a recovery because right now I really want to give up.
So I went to my doctor on Monday, and he said that my weight was stable… BMI is 15.5. He said he’d see me in two months.
Also, had a conversation with my caseworker, and she said, “your dietitian isn’t going to let you die.” I told her it’s not about “letting” me die. There are things with eating disorders that can’t be seen visibly with like labs and stuff. She also takes things so personally!!
My doctor didn’t take labs, and hasn’t since June. He’s not taking them again until he sees me in two months. I just don’t know. Guess I’ll just wait for nothing to happen. I’m trying to eat. I really am, but it feels impossible. Any support would be greatly appreciated.
I just wanted to say that the diet culture is not healthy for people with eating disorders. Diet culture tells us that it’s ok to be on a low carb diet, but actually, when you have low carbs, and you lose weight, you are actually losing glykogen. You don’t actually lose fat. All these diets like the Atkins Diet, and all these low carb diets are not good for people with anorexia or bulimia. If you have an eating disorder, you need to get help!!! Don’t fall into these fad diets!
Please donate to my fundraiser!!! if i can’t get treatment paid for, then I’ll just have to ask for help!! Please share this link!!
So, after watching the movie To the Bone, I have some things I would like to say.
First, the movie suggests that you have to be a certain size to have an ED. This is just simply not the case. You can have an ED at any size. It doesn’t matter if you aren’t on your deathbed or if you’re not deathly skinny, you are sick enough for treatment. If you engage in behaviors or have disordered thoughts, then you deserve treatment. An ED is a mental ilbbness. Just because you might be removered physically, you still have to do the mental work necessary for recovery.
My primary care provider told me I wasn’t sick enough for treatment, but that’s just one doctor’s oppinion.
Second, that movie was very very very triggering. Even watching the movie with DVS, I could just tell by what the narrator was saying about how the characters were acting that it was triggering, not to mention what the people themselves were saying. Like, they were talking about the number of calories in certain foods.
And lastly, I don’t agree that they have an actress who already had an ED lose weight for the role of someone else with an ED. I would think that would be triggering for her to do that. Those are just my thoughts.
Trigger Warning: Mention of weight and numbers
So my psychologist isn’t concerned about our ED. He said he doesn’t get concerned unless weight goes below 100 pounds. I’m only 9 pounds away from that. He told me to not make an emergency of something that’s not. I told him I didn’t have a dietician especially not one that specializes in ED, and he said I didn’t need a specialist. I told him that a person with an eating disorder can have medical complications even at a normal weight. He told me that for treatment places to accept me, I would have to be at death’s door. He’s basically telling me I’m not sick enough for treatment. Makes me want to cake things worse just to prove to people that I need treatment. I just don’t know anymore!!!
Get rid of the scale!!!
You are not defined by the number on the scale. You are much more than that. I understand if you are trying to lose weight for health reasons, but you dont need to do it unhealthily.
Find someone you can talk to.
Having someone to talk to really helps me to know that I’m not alone. By the way, if anyone needs to talk, I’m here. You can email me at
Reach out for help!!
You want to nip an ED in the butt before it destroys you. I know an ED is all about control, but you want to take control of it before it takes control of you. I’ve been dealing with an ED for the last 17 years.
Join a support group.
I’m still learning to accept these tips myself, and I know there will be days when I struggle, but we all can overcome this. You are beautiful just the way you are. I believe in you. From no one else does, just remember my blog and that I believe in you. Stay strong and keep fighting no matter how hard it gets. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I just felt like someone needed to hear that. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
So, today has been hard. My POTS is flaring up again. I woke up this morning, and I checked my pulse, it was 69. I got up and went to make breakfast. All I did was put it in the microwave. Within 15 minutes of standing, my heart rate was 161. I had woken up at 10:15 am, but by 2, I was tired and had to go to sleep again. I only woke up about an hour ago. POTS is so frustrating to live with. I go to the cardiologist on Monday to get a second oppinion about it. If anyone has any advice on dealing with this condition, please help. I’m taking in extra salt and as much as I can. I also have an eating disorder. Thanks for reading.