FRUSTRATED WITH MY PSYCHOLOGIST

Trigger Warning: Mention of weight and numbers

So my psychologist isn’t concerned about our ED. He said he doesn’t get concerned unless weight goes below 100 pounds. I’m only 9 pounds away from that. He told me to not make an emergency of something that’s not. I told him I didn’t have a dietician especially not one that specializes in ED, and he said I didn’t need a specialist. I told him that a person with an eating disorder can have medical complications even at a normal weight. He told me that for treatment places to accept me, I would have to be at death’s door. He’s basically telling me I’m not sick enough for treatment. Makes me want to cake things worse just to prove to people that I need treatment. I just don’t know anymore!!!

Ray

EATING DISORDER RECOVERY TIPS

Get rid of the scale!!!

You are not defined by the number on the scale. You are much more than that. I understand if you are trying to lose weight for health reasons, but you dont need to do it unhealthily.

Find someone you can talk to.

Having someone to talk to really helps me to know that I’m not alone. By the way, if anyone needs to talk, I’m here. You can email me at

rayetteddruckerblebc%gmail.com

Reach out for help!!

You want to nip an ED in the butt before it destroys you. I know an ED is all about control, but you want to take control of it before it takes control of you. I’ve been dealing with an ED for the last 17 years.

Join a support group.

I’m still learning to accept these tips myself, and I know there will be days when I struggle, but we all can overcome this. You are beautiful just the way you are. I believe in you. From no one else does, just remember my blog and that I believe in you. Stay strong and keep fighting no matter how hard it gets. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I just felt like someone needed to hear that. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Ray

POTS FLARE UP!!!

So, today has been hard. My POTS is flaring up again. I woke up this morning, and I checked my pulse, it was 69. I got up and went to make breakfast. All I did was put it in the microwave. Within 15 minutes of standing, my heart rate was 161. I had woken up at 10:15 am, but by 2, I was tired and had to go to sleep again. I only woke up about an hour ago. POTS is so frustrating to live with. I go to the cardiologist on Monday to get a second oppinion about it. If anyone has any advice on dealing with this condition, please help. I’m taking in extra salt and as much as I can. I also have an eating disorder. Thanks for reading.

Ray

anorexia coming back

So, I think my anorexia is coming back. I hate eating. I hate gaining weight. I think if I eat that food, it will make me fat…. I just wish I didn’t have such irrational fears of food… I just want to be normal…

feeling sad

So, today, I’m feeling sad. My medication isn’t working anymore…. I see my doctor at the beginning of this month. He’s supposed to be helping me find the right medication. I hope we can find the right ones.I just feel so utterly alone… My alters are fighting for control of the body… Amilia is so angry and Lucy is just so emotional… Stacey is just so self-conscious. She doesn’t want to eat. Amilia wants to harm the body… She is just so angry. She would prefer it if the body ided… What she doesn’t realize is that if she kills the body, she kills herself.

therapy session today eating issues

So, today in therapy, we talked about my eating issues. We discussed how my eating issues directly related back to my past  and to my abusers. My counselor told me that my anger was rightfully placed and that I was validated in my anger. She did tell me however that I needed to place that anger on my abusers and not on myself. She told me that if I continue these behaviors, that it’s only giving power back to my abusers.

Merry Christmas

For Christmas, I got makeup, jewelery, an iTunes giftcard, snowboots, and a hot chocolate it. They were all wonderful gifts!! I actually ate all my food at the meal… That was very anxiety provoking. I got through it, and that’s all that counts.

update for today

So yesterday, I ate a piece of cake and some chocolate ice cream. I felt so guilty for doing this. Stupid eating disorder thoughts…. I just want to be normal. I want to live a life without mental illness, without abuse… Hope all my blogging friends are doing well. Sending virtual hugs. đŸ™‚

randomness about therapy

So today’s therapy session was really intense. We talked about the abuse I went through, and we also talked about how that relates to me wanting control and trying to gain it by cutting or restricting my food intake. It’s a ccatch 22 though, because in reality, the food is controlling me. I almost cried. I wrote a poem and showed it to my therapist. He says I hould publish my poems. I wouldn’t know where to start with that. Most of my poetry is all about my abuse. I had nightmares all last night about the stuff that happened to me. I have some good news. I finished my breakfast this morning!! I’m so proud of myself. I’m not sure when this will happen again. I didn’t finish my lunch this afternoon though. Hope all is well with all my other blogging friends. All the best, sending virtual hugs.