suicidal thoughts and flashbacks

So, I’m really struggling with suicidal thoughts and flashbacks… I wish I could make them go away. I wish I could just be normal… These suicidal feelings are crushing me… I just want all this to stop…

Feeling sad

So, I’m feeling sad today… Having thoughts of the abuse we went through. Trying not to let thoughts of suicide come back into my mind. Amilia really wants to cut right now… We have things we could use…. but we know if we cut it wouldn’t be good for us. So, I had four more littles introduce themselves to me. Their names are Angellica, Sara, Melissa, and Becky. Becky is four, Sara is 9, Melissa is 6, and Angellica is 7. So now in all there are nine of us. I don’t know if I’ve discovered all of my alters yet or not. Just feeling really lonely, and could really use someone to talk to. I could really use a friend right now. It’s like 5:49 Am here where I live, and I’ve been awake since 5:02 this morning. Thoughts keep spinning through my mind. I don’t know what to do with it all. I go on Tuesday for my academic advising appointment at college. I’m supposed to meet with my DRS counselor to on that day. He knows about our DID diagnosis. I love my counselor. I asked her what she would do if we were ever in a crisis, and she said she would send me to the hospital if need be. I just really need a friend.

Monday ramblings 

so, I had to ask God for forgiveness because I went through a phase where I said I didn’t believe in him. The thing about borderline personality disorder, is that my beliefs and thoughts can change in an instant. 

feeling lonely!!!!

I’m feeling like I’m the only one with DID. I know it’s not true, but it feels so lonely right now. Anyone available to talk? If so, you can email me at I could really use a friend right now. Trying to make it through this rough patch.

back from the hospital!!!!!

So, on Saturday, I went into the hospital for suicidal thoughts and  because Amilia was threatening to kill me. I got an official diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). It was suh a relief to have the doctors believe me… I’ve been telling them for years about the people in my head, and they finally believed me. I’m so happy to finally get tis diagnosis because now this means I will get the propper treatment. Overall, this hospitalization was a good one.

feeling low

So, today I’m on fifteen minute checks. Having suicidal thoughts… Wishing I could just escape this pain… So the night before last, I ended up cutting. I was put one to one with  a staff member. They gave me Ativan as a PRN yesterday. Hope it works. If anyone has any questions, please don’t hesitate to comment below.

having an ok day….

I’m having an ok day…. Struggling with falshbavks… Struggling with dissociation… Struggling to stay myself… Just feel so alone…. Amilia is so very angry….. Lucy is crying and in distress….. Stacey is just there…. Having thought of suicide…. Can’t stop thinking about my past of abuse…. Having a really triggering day….