Merry Christmas

For Christmas, I got makeup, jewelery, an iTunes giftcard, snowboots, and a hot chocolate it. They were all wonderful gifts!! I actually ate all my food at the meal… That was very anxiety provoking. I got through it, and that’s all that counts.

update for today

So yesterday, I ate a piece of cake and some chocolate ice cream. I felt so guilty for doing this. Stupid eating disorder thoughts…. I just want to be normal. I want to live a life without mental illness, without abuse… Hope all my blogging friends are doing well. Sending virtual hugs. 🙂

randomness about therapy

So today’s therapy session was really intense. We talked about the abuse I went through, and we also talked about how that relates to me wanting control and trying to gain it by cutting or restricting my food intake. It’s a ccatch 22 though, because in reality, the food is controlling me. I almost cried. I wrote a poem and showed it to my therapist. He says I hould publish my poems. I wouldn’t know where to start with that. Most of my poetry is all about my abuse. I had nightmares all last night about the stuff that happened to me. I have some good news. I finished my breakfast this morning!! I’m so proud of myself. I’m not sure when this will happen again. I didn’t finish my lunch this afternoon though. Hope all is well with all my other blogging friends. All the best, sending virtual hugs.

Update

So, feeling depressed today. I’ve been restricting my food intake a lot today. no matter where I look, I can’t find treatment. I can’t find treatment that Medicaid accepts. I just don’t know what to do. I’m at a loss for words.I don’t know where else to turn.

update for November 19th 

I can feel a major depressive episode coming on. It just feels like a million weights are on my shoulders. I just feel so alone. I just want to be happy. I’m so done with this depression. It can go away. I want control back over my life and food. It’s getting harder and harder to eat my food. I just want my life back. It’s like I’m slowly fading into the darkness. I just want out.

frustrated

I’m so frustrated. Earlier today one of the residents brought up something about their past abuse. It triggered me. We were standing in line for lunch. That wasn’t the time to bring up something like that. I barely ate anything at dinner tonight. I was so upset and frustrated. I just wish mental illness didn’t exist. I wish I didn’t have to be on medications at all. My depression is coming back.

Crisis Text line 

I got accepted to Crissis text line!!!! I’m so excited!!! I start training December 1st!!! I’m so excited!!! I get to text with people who are in crisis. I get to do something I enjoy doing.. I can’t wait to start training. I’m in a better mood tonight. 

today

Feeling depressed today. Feeling like I’m losing control of my eating habbits. I just want the control back. I hate counting calories and such, but I can’t stop. I’m visually impaired and was wondering if anyone on here was to.