therapy session today eating issues

So, today in therapy, we talked about my eating issues. We discussed how my eating issues directly related back to my past  and to my abusers. My counselor told me that my anger was rightfully placed and that I was validated in my anger. She did tell me however that I needed to place that anger on my abusers and not on myself. She told me that if I continue these behaviors, that it’s only giving power back to my abusers.

Antidepressant not working anymore

So, by antidepressant has stopped working. I don’t know why but it just has. Maybe it’s time for them to raise it or something, I’m not sure.also, my medication for nightmares has stopped working too. I’m not getting good sleep at night at all. This is not fun. Trigger warning:

I have

also, my medication for nightmares has stopped working too. I’m not getting good sleep at night at all. This is not fun. Trigger warning:

I have nightmares about the abuse that I went there as a child. I have nightmares about the abuse that I suffered as a result of being in a colt. The nightmares last all through the night, and it’s very frustrating that I can’t get the proper sleep I need to survive daily. I just wish the nightmares would go away. I don’t like them at all.

Merry Christmas

For Christmas, I got makeup, jewelery, an iTunes giftcard, snowboots, and a hot chocolate it. They were all wonderful gifts!! I actually ate all my food at the meal… That was very anxiety provoking. I got through it, and that’s all that counts.

update for today

So yesterday, I ate a piece of cake and some chocolate ice cream. I felt so guilty for doing this. Stupid eating disorder thoughts…. I just want to be normal. I want to live a life without mental illness, without abuse… Hope all my blogging friends are doing well. Sending virtual hugs. đŸ™‚

randomness about therapy

So today’s therapy session was really intense. We talked about the abuse I went through, and we also talked about how that relates to me wanting control and trying to gain it by cutting or restricting my food intake. It’s a ccatch 22 though, because in reality, the food is controlling me. I almost cried. I wrote a poem and showed it to my therapist. He says I hould publish my poems. I wouldn’t know where to start with that. Most of my poetry is all about my abuse. I had nightmares all last night about the stuff that happened to me. I have some good news. I finished my breakfast this morning!! I’m so proud of myself. I’m not sure when this will happen again. I didn’t finish my lunch this afternoon though. Hope all is well with all my other blogging friends. All the best, sending virtual hugs.

Update

So, feeling depressed today. I’ve been restricting my food intake a lot today. no matter where I look, I can’t find treatment. I can’t find treatment that Medicaid accepts. I just don’t know what to do. I’m at a loss for words.I don’t know where else to turn.

update for November 19th 

I can feel a major depressive episode coming on. It just feels like a million weights are on my shoulders. I just feel so alone. I just want to be happy. I’m so done with this depression. It can go away. I want control back over my life and food. It’s getting harder and harder to eat my food. I just want my life back. It’s like I’m slowly fading into the darkness. I just want out.

frustrated

I’m so frustrated. Earlier today one of the residents brought up something about their past abuse. It triggered me. We were standing in line for lunch. That wasn’t the time to bring up something like that. I barely ate anything at dinner tonight. I was so upset and frustrated. I just wish mental illness didn’t exist. I wish I didn’t have to be on medications at all. My depression is coming back.

Crisis Text line 

I got accepted to Crissis text line!!!! I’m so excited!!! I start training December 1st!!! I’m so excited!!! I get to text with people who are in crisis. I get to do something I enjoy doing.. I can’t wait to start training. I’m in a better mood tonight.