When you have Medicaid and an eating disorder, it is next to impossible to find treatment if treatment is not available in your state. What the people at Medicaid either don’t realize or don’t care about is that 20% of anorexics will die. My insurance company told me that sometimes people died because they don’t cover the services they need when I told them this fact. So I am taking things day by day keeping an eye on my heart rate as sometimes when I walk it goes as low as 46 or even 43 bpm which is not normal for someone who is walking around the store. I just pray every day that my body does not decide to give out before I can be helped to get the treatment I so desperately need. I go to my providers who are scrambling and telling me to go to each other with no result because no one knows what to do to fight the monster that is Medicaid. All I hear from the emergency room is either go out of state for treatment or stay home and die. What is this world coming to? All I know are money hungry insurance companies who don’t care about the person but all they care about is the profit and the money they will save by not paying for someone’s much needed treatment. Actually, they are spending more money on crisis stabilization programs that I keep going in and out of when it would be far cheaper for them to pay for the treatment I need that would also be the most effective. Instead, they are constantly telling me that I need this or that for their appeal process and so we have been waiting for over a year languishing and suffering because they want to find a lower cost medically necessary alternative. I find it interesting that there a denial letter says the services that we are requesting are a non-emergent when in the appeal itself it says if we do not get treatment I am at risk of death. How is that not emergent? And the person who reviews the appeal is a psychiatrist, but do they specialize in eating disorders? The short answer is no. They also say that we need to find treatment at a lower cost medically necessary alternative which by the way is breaking state and federal parity laws. They cannot impose a fail first policy meaning they cannot tell us that we need to complete treatment at a lower level of care and fail first before they will approve a higher level of care. They are hoping that by drawing out this appeals process, we will give up trying, and even though there are some days that yes, we want to do just that, we will not. I just hope our body can hold out. Also, they say if we need immediate treatment to go to the local emergency room, but that is a dangerous thing to say because the local emergency room knows nothing about eating disorder treatment and will give a liter of fluid in one hour which for someone with an eating disorder can kill them. I do not nor will I ever understand the logic of a government insurance, and I almost wonder if this insurance company that is run by the government isn’t put in place to continue ritualistic abuse whose goal was for the person to die which is exactly what will happen if we do not get treatment. Coincidence? I think not. The only thing I wanted for Christmas this year was to get into treatment, but that is not going to happen. At least I will be around people I love. We have a long battle ahead of us, and we just hope that physically we can hold out to see it through.
So, after watching the movie To the Bone, I have some things I would like to say.
First, the movie suggests that you have to be a certain size to have an ED. This is just simply not the case. You can have an ED at any size. It doesn’t matter if you aren’t on your deathbed or if you’re not deathly skinny, you are sick enough for treatment. If you engage in behaviors or have disordered thoughts, then you deserve treatment. An ED is a mental ilbbness. Just because you might be removered physically, you still have to do the mental work necessary for recovery.
My primary care provider told me I wasn’t sick enough for treatment, but that’s just one doctor’s oppinion.
Second, that movie was very very very triggering. Even watching the movie with DVS, I could just tell by what the narrator was saying about how the characters were acting that it was triggering, not to mention what the people themselves were saying. Like, they were talking about the number of calories in certain foods.
And lastly, I don’t agree that they have an actress who already had an ED lose weight for the role of someone else with an ED. I would think that would be triggering for her to do that. Those are just my thoughts.
So, I’m feeling discouraged. I was told by Crisis Text Line that they needed a note from my doctor for me to continue training. The person at crisis text line thinks the training material is triggering me, but it’s not. I can do this. I’ve always wanted to do something like this. I can do this!!!!!! I just need someone to believe in me!!!!!
So, I’m really struggling with suicidal thoughts and flashbacks… I wish I could make them go away. I wish I could just be normal… These suicidal feelings are crushing me… I just want all this to stop…
So, I’m feeling sad today… Having thoughts of the abuse we went through. Trying not to let thoughts of suicide come back into my mind. Amilia really wants to cut right now… We have things we could use…. but we know if we cut it wouldn’t be good for us. So, I had four more littles introduce themselves to me. Their names are Angellica, Sara, Melissa, and Becky. Becky is four, Sara is 9, Melissa is 6, and Angellica is 7. So now in all there are nine of us. I don’t know if I’ve discovered all of my alters yet or not. Just feeling really lonely, and could really use someone to talk to. I could really use a friend right now. It’s like 5:49 Am here where I live, and I’ve been awake since 5:02 this morning. Thoughts keep spinning through my mind. I don’t know what to do with it all. I go on Tuesday for my academic advising appointment at college. I’m supposed to meet with my DRS counselor to on that day. He knows about our DID diagnosis. I love my counselor. I asked her what she would do if we were ever in a crisis, and she said she would send me to the hospital if need be. I just really need a friend.
So I’m using my Brailleationote to write this post on my computer. Getting a lot done with this little device.
so, I had to ask God for forgiveness because I went through a phase where I said I didn’t believe in him. The thing about borderline personality disorder, is that my beliefs and thoughts can change in an instant.
I’m feeling like I’m the only one with DID. I know it’s not true, but it feels so lonely right now. Anyone available to talk? If so, you can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I could really use a friend right now. Trying to make it through this rough patch.
So, Amilia is threatening to kill me. I don’t know what to do. She doesn’t have anything to use to do anything. I would appreciate friends to talk to right now need someone right now.