My fears about starting therapy agian…

Trigger warning: talk of sexual abuse!!

 

 

 

 

So, I’m starting therapy on Wednesday for the sexual abuse I went through as a child… I’m afraid the therapist won’t know how to handle the dissociative identity disorder… What if it’s to much for her to handle? Amilia is also very angry that we are going to therapy again… She doesn’t want to talk about the abuse… It’s happened in the past that when I go to therapy, they can’t handle my problems so they passed me off to someone who they thought could handle my problems. I just don’t want that to happen again. I have all these what ifs running through my mind… If anyone has experienced this, please let me know how you coped with this.

back from the hospital!!!!!

So, on Saturday, I went into the hospital for suicidal thoughts and  because Amilia was threatening to kill me. I got an official diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). It was suh a relief to have the doctors believe me… I’ve been telling them for years about the people in my head, and they finally believed me. I’m so happy to finally get tis diagnosis because now this means I will get the propper treatment. Overall, this hospitalization was a good one.

feeling low

So, today I’m on fifteen minute checks. Having suicidal thoughts… Wishing I could just escape this pain… So the night before last, I ended up cutting. I was put one to one with  a staff member. They gave me Ativan as a PRN yesterday. Hope it works. If anyone has any questions, please don’t hesitate to comment below.

having an ok day….

I’m having an ok day…. Struggling with falshbavks… Struggling with dissociation… Struggling to stay myself… Just feel so alone…. Amilia is so very angry….. Lucy is crying and in distress….. Stacey is just there…. Having thought of suicide…. Can’t stop thinking about my past of abuse…. Having a really triggering day….

feeling sad

So, today, I’m feeling sad. My medication isn’t working anymore…. I see my doctor at the beginning of this month. He’s supposed to be helping me find the right medication. I hope we can find the right ones.I just feel so utterly alone… My alters are fighting for control of the body… Amilia is so angry and Lucy is just so emotional… Stacey is just so self-conscious. She doesn’t want to eat. Amilia wants to harm the body… She is just so angry. She would prefer it if the body ided… What she doesn’t realize is that if she kills the body, she kills herself.

therapy session today eating issues

So, today in therapy, we talked about my eating issues. We discussed how my eating issues directly related back to my past  and to my abusers. My counselor told me that my anger was rightfully placed and that I was validated in my anger. She did tell me however that I needed to place that anger on my abusers and not on myself. She told me that if I continue these behaviors, that it’s only giving power back to my abusers.

Antidepressant not working anymore

So, by antidepressant has stopped working. I don’t know why but it just has. Maybe it’s time for them to raise it or something, I’m not sure.also, my medication for nightmares has stopped working too. I’m not getting good sleep at night at all. This is not fun. Trigger warning:

I have

also, my medication for nightmares has stopped working too. I’m not getting good sleep at night at all. This is not fun. Trigger warning:

I have nightmares about the abuse that I went there as a child. I have nightmares about the abuse that I suffered as a result of being in a colt. The nightmares last all through the night, and it’s very frustrating that I can’t get the proper sleep I need to survive daily. I just wish the nightmares would go away. I don’t like them at all.

official diagnosis

So last Thursday, I got an official DID diagnosis. It was made official by my psychiatrist. He told me that I had DID from severe trauma in my childhood. I went through 17 years of abuse…