300 FOLLOWERS!!!!!

we have 300 followers!!!! i can’t believe it!!!! thank you all so much for your ongoing support!!!! Love you all!!!! Happy Thanksgiving if you celebrate it.

Ray

why DO I HAVE TO SUFFER?

*Trigger* mentions weight

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why do we have to continue to suffer? i dont know. all i know is 20% of anorexics die!!! one person dies every 62 minutes from an eating disorder. I’m 76% of my ideal body weight. what more does my body have to go through? why do my issues be so complex? my issues are keeping me from getting into treatment!!! i just hate this!!! sometimes, i dont care and just want to end my suffering! my heart rate has gotten as low as 43 and as high as 159, and no, i wasnt excercising. what the hell do i have to do to get the help i need?

i cant just go to the ER for fluids because of malnourishment because if i go to the ER, they bollis a liter of fluids in an hour which can cause heart failure. and i cant eat what i’m supposed to to gain weight, because of the risk of refeeding syndrome which can be fatal!! i really feel like i’m in a lot of catch 22s. Like what am i supposed to do? I have lost 80 pounds in the last year!!! i’m just so damn lost!!!

Ray

Why? *tw* sexual abuse

Why did they hurt me? Why did they do those things to me? Does anyone hear my silence? i want the pain to stop. i want to purge to get out all the feelings. I just can’t!!

Amilia

feeling sad *tw*

hi its emmie. im sad today. why cant i just be me? i hate switching. why cant i have some control? just feels like im falling apart.

emmie

My day yesterday and possible legal action

Hello everyone,
So yesterday I called River oaks to ask them if we could do the appeal, and they said they could not because they’re Dr. house to do a peer to peer with meridians medical director, and this cannot be done because they’re Dr. has not seen me. I then called (Meridian) to inquire about other methods, and they said I could not do the appeal that the facility had two. They said we had to do it by today which is not possible. Somehow they have it in their records that I was discharged from river oaks. I don’t know how that is because I have never been there. I contacted an organization called equip for a quality and then working with an advocate named Megan. I told her what my BMI was and how I was being treated by the medical system, and she was shocked. I’m going to see a new primary care provider this morning in about an hour, and hoping that goes well. Maybe she can do the appeal? I’m not sure though, but I can only hope at this point. I am pretty sure we are going to have to sue meridians/Medicaid. Hope everyone has a good day.
Ray
Sent from my iPhone

THE DAMN MEDICAL SYSTEM!!!

I HATE THE DAMN MEDICAL SYSTEM. WE APPLIED FOR A FINNANCIAL ASSISTANCE PROGRAM, AND THEY SAID THAT BECAUSE WE HAD INSURANCE THAT WE DON’T QUALIFY FOR THE PROGRAM EVEN THOUGH THE PORGRAM THAT WE WENT TO ISN’T COVERED BY MEDICAID. THEY JUST SAID, “WE’RE SORRY, BUT WE CAN’T APPROVE YOU.” WELL, FUCK THEM!!! WE WON’T BE PAYING THAT DAMN BILL!!!!

ENIGMA

called a lawyer

So I’ve called a lawyer. Hoping he calls me back. This is getting rediculous with the insurance. I spoke with Jennifer yesterday and she basically had no plan for what we do next as far as Meridian is concerned. I kept telling her that there are no more places in Illinois besides the two she has already documented that have already said no, and she just kept saying that she would continue to do research. Ugh!!!!

Ray

Therapy yesterday

So we had therapy yesterday. We were exhausted when we got home so went right to sleep afterward. We discussed a lot. have most of the session, and then Emmie had some of it to. I talked about how there’s only so long that we can be expected to be strong, and how that I felt like we were being retraumatised again by the insurance company because it felt like they had all the control. It feels like they are dictating our lives. I was so overwhelmed. Lily introduced us to theraplay. It’s a technique that helps me and other parts get the care we never got as children. It helps us experience what a true attachment is supposed to be. You use things like objects to stemulate the senses. It’s pretty cool. Also, things like good toutching and pressure touch using lotion to show what a good touch is. It was a good session.

Ray

Doctor’s appointment and therapy yesterday *tw* sexual abuse

Hello everyone,
So yesterday I went to see Dr. Dynda, and he said that from a medical standpoint everything was fine as my vitamin D went up by three points. He said your weight is stable it’s above 90 pounds at least it’s not 80 or 70 pounds. He seen me in three months. He also told me that we have to restart this entire process of trying to get into River Oaks. What has all this work done for for the last year? Has it been for nothing? I just feel like everyone spinning their wheels because no one knows what to do.
Also talked to Lily on the phone yesterday and we talked about the sexual assaults that we suffered as an adult. I thought I was ready to tell her about them so I forced myself to, but that was not a good idea. I am some of the others are in flashback land. It’s not good. My doctor also wants me to go to my psychiatrist appointment today, but here’s the psychiatrist who said he does not believe we meet criteria for anything that we’ve been diagnosed with. I cannot knowingly go to someone who is not going to believe what I say. So I’m not going. The doctor did say that if I don’t go it would not look good on my insurance. He said it would look like I am not complying with the treatment they are willing to cover.*Sarcasm*
Today we are meeting with Sarrah for a two hour mental health assessment review. Sara is our caseworker. I think Amelia is going to write her a letter or something I’m not entirely sure what’s going on with that, but there’s really nothing Sara can do. If the insurance won’t pay for the treatment we need, we can’t force them.
Ray