despair

So just got a message from our PCP that River Oaks isn’t an option and that our only options were Passavant psych unit which won’t accept us, and to follow up with our psychiatrist for the other medical issues. We’ve basically been told that the one place in the country that can help us with all our issues isn’t an option because of insurance. don’t even know why I even try.

Ray

TEST

Still trying to figure out the whole tags thing when sending posts by email. Here goes.

Tags [email, blogs, WordPress]

Sent from Mail for Windows 10

asking for help feels hopeless and fruitless…

asking for help doesn’t seem to produce any results. none of the three doctors who said they would make the referral have done it… dont even have the energy to use exclamation marks anymore… my dietitian referred me to the weight loss and wellness program which supposedly has an eating disorders team, but there are no medical doctops overseeing their ED patients. my team has basically given up on me except my therapist, but the insurance won’t accept a referral from my therapist, because it has to be a doctor who makes the referral. My PCP and psychiatrist both aren’t seeing us for 2 months. i dont know what to do or say…

Ray

FEELING SO DAMN FRUSTRATED

I’M FEELING SO DAMN FRUSTRATED!!! JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!

TRIGGER WARNING: MENTIONS NUMBERS: WEIGHT

WE WEIGH 90 POUNDS AND OUR BMI IS 15.3 AND BODY FAT IS 14.6, AND NO ONE WILL DO A DAMN THING!!! I AM TRYING TO HELP, BUT WE CAN’T CONTINUE TO DO THIS ON OUR OWN!!! I DON’T WANT TO DIE, NOT FROM THE PHYSICAL COMPLICATIONS OF THIS DAMN EATING DISORDER. IT IS SAD THAT 20% OF PEOPLE WITH ANOREXIA WILL DIE!!! I DON’T WANT TO BE ONE OF THOSE STATISTICS!!! I’M AFRAID WE WILL END UP ON A MEDICAL FLOOR GETTING FED WITH AN NG TUBE, AND NONE OF US WANT THAT!!! IV’S WERE USED IN OUR TRAUMA!!! HELL NO!!! WISH OUR DOCTORS WOULD JUST MAKE THE DAMN REFERRAL!! THOSE THREE DOCTORS WE’VE SEEN, AND NOT ONE OF THEM HAS MADE THE REFERRAL OR DONE A DAMN THING!!!

ENIGMA

Tags[alters, DID, anorexia, ED, inpatient, hospital, eating disorder, ED treatment, mental illness, mental health]

therapy today

So we had therapy today. It was a very productive session. We talked about a lot. We discussed the results from the Hartgrove assessment and how Lily agreed with it to the T. she says she wants to help us to communicate with each other and to create safe places inside for everyone. She wants to use EMDR later when we start processing trauma. She told me about butterfly hugs where you hug yourself and tap each side of your elbows like a butterfly. She asked me about what happens in my body and my feelings when we eat food. I was able to explain some things to her. I also talked about how there are people who are expecting that just because we aren’t in the hospital that everything is ok, but she said that she knows it’s not. And she said that was ok, that’s it’s ok to not be ok. I liked that. We had a very good session. We tried to use a program to do video sessions, bu we were having technical issues, so we just talked over the phone. I told her about the support from this group and my blog and she said to use what we could. I just wanted to say thanks everyone for your support and love. It really means a lot. Overall, a very productive session.

Ray

_tags[alters, DID, therapy, mental health, mental illness, anorexia]

WHY?

WHY CAN’t I ENJOY A DAMN PIECE OF PIE? DAMN THIS ED!!! I JUST WANT THE DAMN PIE!!! BUT, THE FUCKING CALORIES!!! DOES IT EVER GET BETTER? JUST FEELING SO DAMN HOPELESS!!!! I  WANT THAT DAMN PIECE OF PIE!!!

ENIGMA

Just Because I Eat Sweets Doesn’t MEAN I’m Not Anorexic

When I am around friends or when ‘more alone and I’ve starved for a while, I get a craving for something sweet. When I’m with my friends, they say, “Oh, so you’re better now because you’re eating a cookie!!!” Hell no, I’m not anywhere near recovered. Just because I eat sweets doesn’t mean I’m not still anorexic. I hate stereotypes!!

Ray

Is recovery worth it?

This is the question that I’m wondering today. It’s the question that’s swirling around in my mind as I sit and think about all of the obstacles that are stacked against us. The doctors who say we need treatment but who are not willing to fight the insurance company. All these treatment facilities that we call that say they cannot take us because we have Medicaid. And this is the question that remains in my mind. Is recovery really worth it? I feel like it’s a losing battle as my doctor told me the other day. He said this was going to be a losing battle at best. Could really use some encouragement and or support. Any feedback is welcome negative or positive. I just need a jumpstart to continue this process a recovery because right now I really want to give up.

Ray