today’s update

So, I ate three bites of everything on my plate today at breakfast and lunch. My eating disorder is winning. I don’t know what to do. I’m slowly losing hope. Not sure where to turn. People tell me I look pretty but I don’t believe them. I see fat when I “Look” at myself (as I am blind). I can’t really see myself. I look ugly. At least, that’s what my eating disorder voice says.

Update

So, feeling depressed today. I’ve been restricting my food intake a lot today. no matter where I look, I can’t find treatment. I can’t find treatment that Medicaid accepts. I just don’t know what to do. I’m at a loss for words.I don’t know where else to turn.

update for November 19th 

I can feel a major depressive episode coming on. It just feels like a million weights are on my shoulders. I just feel so alone. I just want to be happy. I’m so done with this depression. It can go away. I want control back over my life and food. It’s getting harder and harder to eat my food. I just want my life back. It’s like I’m slowly fading into the darkness. I just want out.

frustrated

I’m so frustrated. Earlier today one of the residents brought up something about their past abuse. It triggered me. We were standing in line for lunch. That wasn’t the time to bring up something like that. I barely ate anything at dinner tonight. I was so upset and frustrated. I just wish mental illness didn’t exist. I wish I didn’t have to be on medications at all. My depression is coming back.

Crisis Text line 

I got accepted to Crissis text line!!!! I’m so excited!!! I start training December 1st!!! I’m so excited!!! I get to text with people who are in crisis. I get to do something I enjoy doing.. I can’t wait to start training. I’m in a better mood tonight. 

Update 

So I’m going to group today hoping it’s good. I. Also get to see my therapist today 

today

Feeling depressed today. Feeling like I’m losing control of my eating habbits. I just want the control back. I hate counting calories and such, but I can’t stop. I’m visually impaired and was wondering if anyone on here was to.

Last night 

So I was standing in line for dinner last night, and I told one of the residents that I was only eating half a sandwich. One of the other residents commented and said, “Are you trying to lose weight?” I said, “Yes,” and she said, “You don’t have anything to lose.” This is the worst thing you can say to someone strugglx with an eating disorder. Needless to say, it was really upsetting. My therapistst doesn’t specialize in eating disorders. I’ve looked all over the place for one that does, and the ones that do, don’t take Medicaid. This is so frustrating. Even the inpatient units around here don’t take Medicaid. Again, this is so frustrating. I live in the US. 

Update for today 

I’ve spent all of yesterday looking for treatment for my eating disorder, and there are no specialiists in my area. I’m rapidly losing weight. I’ve lost 8 pounds in the last two weeks. I’m feeling depressed and alone. I’m feeling like I’m getting out of control. I feel like if I keep going, I will run into a brick wall… I just wish I could get treatment…