today

Feeling depressed today. Feeling like I’m losing control of my eating habbits. I just want the control back. I hate counting calories and such, but I can’t stop. I’m visually impaired and was wondering if anyone on here was to.

Last night 

So I was standing in line for dinner last night, and I told one of the residents that I was only eating half a sandwich. One of the other residents commented and said, “Are you trying to lose weight?” I said, “Yes,” and she said, “You don’t have anything to lose.” This is the worst thing you can say to someone strugglx with an eating disorder. Needless to say, it was really upsetting. My therapistst doesn’t specialize in eating disorders. I’ve looked all over the place for one that does, and the ones that do, don’t take Medicaid. This is so frustrating. Even the inpatient units around here don’t take Medicaid. Again, this is so frustrating. I live in the US. 

Update for today 

I’ve spent all of yesterday looking for treatment for my eating disorder, and there are no specialiists in my area. I’m rapidly losing weight. I’ve lost 8 pounds in the last two weeks. I’m feeling depressed and alone. I’m feeling like I’m getting out of control. I feel like if I keep going, I will run into a brick wall… I just wish I could get treatment… 

Another update 

Does anyone know of any good books about eating disorders? I’m looking for stories, self help books and others. Any help would be appreciated. I’m also looking for books on self injury. 

update

So have been doing ok4 ,i ran out of my antianxiety meds yesterday1 but they got them back td4 ,they are trying to force me to eat4 ,i don’t like it1 but ,i know it’s what’s best for my recovery4

update 

So today, my therapist told me that I had EDNOS. I just don’t meet the weight requirement for anorexia. He has to do more research, but he is teaching me moping skills for how to deal when the urges come not to eat. Today we learned distraction techniques. He has to do more research, because he doesn’t specialize in eating disorders. 

update 

So, I’ve made a relationship with one of the nurses here. We’ve agreed that I’m going to take three bites of everything on my plate. After a week of this, she’s going to reward me with nail polish. As long as I stick to my end of the bargain. I ended up cutting yesterday because of the memories. Yesterday was an anniversary day of things that happened to mo as a child. I have to learn to separate my ED voice from my own thoughts. 

update 

I am so depressed. I just wish I could have control back with food… I have to finish a meal this week, because i promised my therapist I would finish one. I just hope I can do it. 

Feeling sad

I’m feeling sad today. I just want the control back over my life. Food dominates every fascet of it. I can’t even finish an entire meal for Pete’s sakes. Just blah. That’s all.