I have forgiven all the people who abused me. I mean all of them. I have forgiven every last one of them. Also, I got filled with God’s Holy Spirit yesterday. I now walk in peace in God’s peace. It’s such a great feeling to know that God is watching over me. I’m just so excited to see what God will do in my life from now on. I’ve been struggling with dissociation a lot lately. I just wish I could control my other personalities…
Just so sad today. Feelings of suicide are coming back more than ever.. I just want to make it through the day without dissociating… I feel like I could implode… I feel like I could explode… I’m praying every minute of today that God would just take away all my pain… So far, it’s not working… I don’t know who I am anymore… I just wish I knew who I was… I wish I could slip into oblivion… I just want peace… Just feeling very low today… Death seems so appealing to me at times… I know it’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I’ve heard that so many times. So please don’t try to tell me that again… I just need some encouragement. That’s all I need.
So I have aniother poem…
She hides in her room.
She cries herself to sleep at night.
She cuts her wrists to show her ppain..She wants to know why she was hurt.
She wants to know why her dad had to rape her.
She wants to know why her mom had to say those horrible things to her.
She cries and cries until she can cry no more.
She paints pretty pictures,
But there is a twist,
The paintbrush is a razor,
And the canvas is her wrist.
She sees the scars she leaves behind,
And she tells herself it’ll be alright.
Every day, a new skill she learns,
To cope with life’s endless demands.
She throws away the razor and the blades,
Never to pick them up ever again.
So, I met some new friends today. They are really awesome!!!!!!!!!!!
So just felt like writing on here today. I’m feeling pretty good today. I just hope it will last… So I have a question? On my Youtube channel, would anyone be interested in me doing a daily vlog? Just wondering as I haven’t gotten very much response on my channel.
So, update long overdue… So, last Thursday, I went into the hospital for suicidal thoughts. I got out today, and they just raised my Prozak to 30mg. I’m moving to a place in Peoria called Sharon HealthCare Woods. They have mental health groups like anger management, medication management, money management, coping with mental illness (which is a peer led support group), community living skills, and a lot more. They also have a DBT (dialectical behavior therapy group) for people with borderline personality disorder. They also have a wellness program for keeping fit. After I’m done with this program, they have apartments through the mental health center that I can move into. They will give me a $2,000 stypend to buy furnurature for my apartment. I’m getting really excited for this move!!!
Feeling so sad today. I wish I could control my alter personalities. I wish I could control what they do when they’re out, but I can’t. It’s impossible. I’m not even aware of what they do when they’re out. I just wish I knew how to cope with DID. My therapist wants to work on trauma work, but I told him that if we worked on trauma, that my other personalities would come out more. I told him we needed to build a safety net to keep me out of the hospital….
So, I saw my therapist today, and we both agreed that I needed to work on coping skills before we start working on trauma. My other personalities have been coming out more and more. I have no control over what they do when they’re out. Amilia is angrier than ever before, and Lucy is scared out of her mind because this place where I’m living is closing in three months…