update for today

So yesterday, I ate a piece of cake and some chocolate ice cream. I felt so guilty for doing this. Stupid eating disorder thoughts…. I just want to be normal. I want to live a life without mental illness, without abuse… Hope all my blogging friends are doing well. Sending virtual hugs. 🙂

randomness about therapy

So today’s therapy session was really intense. We talked about the abuse I went through, and we also talked about how that relates to me wanting control and trying to gain it by cutting or restricting my food intake. It’s a ccatch 22 though, because in reality, the food is controlling me. I almost cried. I wrote a poem and showed it to my therapist. He says I hould publish my poems. I wouldn’t know where to start with that. Most of my poetry is all about my abuse. I had nightmares all last night about the stuff that happened to me. I have some good news. I finished my breakfast this morning!! I’m so proud of myself. I’m not sure when this will happen again. I didn’t finish my lunch this afternoon though. Hope all is well with all my other blogging friends. All the best, sending virtual hugs.

update

So today, at breakfast, I had a dizzy spell. I’ve been having them now for awhile, but have been able to hide them from people. It’s all because I’m not eating enough… I plan on telling my therapist today about it.

Update

I just got out of the hospital. I went in for suicidal thoughts. I’m better now. I just wish I had a threapist who specializes in eating disorders. I had mostly salads this week.  I am looking forward to going home for Christmas. Not looking forward to all the food I’lll have to eat.

update for tonight

So today was okay. I had to eat a lot as I was home and ouldn’t hide the fact that I was suffering. I didn’t want my family to know I was struggling.

update

So today I go home for Thanksgiving. I’m afraid of all the food. Hopefully, I will make it through the holiday without incident.

update for today

So I was wondering if anyone knew how I could tell my psychiatrist about my eating disorder. I came to the conclusion on my own and with the help of my therapist that I had an eating disorder. I just don’t know how to bring it up to my psychiatrist. Any help would be greatly appreciated. I just feel so alone in this. I really do want to recover.

today’s update

So, I ate three bites of everything on my plate today at breakfast and lunch. My eating disorder is winning. I don’t know what to do. I’m slowly losing hope. Not sure where to turn. People tell me I look pretty but I don’t believe them. I see fat when I “Look” at myself (as I am blind). I can’t really see myself. I look ugly. At least, that’s what my eating disorder voice says.

Update

So, feeling depressed today. I’ve been restricting my food intake a lot today. no matter where I look, I can’t find treatment. I can’t find treatment that Medicaid accepts. I just don’t know what to do. I’m at a loss for words.I don’t know where else to turn.