ritual abuse sucks

Trigger Warning: ritual abuse




































I was so young.

I was so frail.

I was born into hell.

Made to do Satan’s biddings.

Made to listen to these gross messages.

so angry and torn up inside.

Can’t believe they did these things to me.

Was made to sacrifice animals…

Made to do things I never would have done.

Just so angry with these people.

made to listen to Bible verses that were used to make me obey.

a quick update

So, today, I went to church over Skype. The hymns were triggering. They had me looking back at my past… I was triggered… I’m ok now, but then, I was having flashbacks… I’m ok now, but it was very scary…

therapy today

So, today in therapy, my therapist told me about diagnosis and how a diagnosis is just a label. She’s not denying that I have alters, but she doesn’t want me to focus on that right now. She wants me to focus on coping skills. She wants me to focus on getting better coping skills to keep myself safe. My question to her was, “how can I focus on making new coping skills when I’m dissociating all the time?” isn’t that maladaptive? Any thoughts on this would be appreciated.

Ways to stop suicidal thoughts

Stopping suicidal thoughts can be challenging… One of the first things ou want to do is empower yourself. One way you can empower yourself is to say good things about yourself. Another way to stop suicidal thoughts is to self-soothe. Self-soothing activities include: taking a long bath, reading a good book, listening to relaxing music, and reading a good book. In what ways have you found helpfull to stop suicidal thoughts?

update for today

So, today, we had a St. Patrick’s Day party!!!!  it was so much fun. Today, I talked to the director of the Moving On Program about their program. They will help you with getting moved into your apartment and getting the furnurature for your apartment. I also talked to someone about swimming for the special olympics. I’m getting excited about that. I then talked with my counselor about the day before yesterday and the self-harm episode. She told me that she couldn’t validate the behavior, but she did really care about me. She told me that even if I didn’t feel in control of my behaviors eg. an alter coming out and cutting me, that I’m ultimately responsible for my behavior because it’s my body that’s getting hurt.

care plan.

so, today, I had my care plan. We discussed what I would work on in terms of therapy. We decided that I would work on my impulsivity and my coping skills. We also talked about how I would work on self-empowerment. So, last night, I ended up dissociating and self-harming. Amilia came out and ended up cutting… I had no awareness of this.

official diagnosis

So last Thursday, I got an official DID diagnosis. It was made official by my psychiatrist. He told me that I had DID from severe trauma in my childhood. I went through 17 years of abuse…