diary entry from hospital: Cynthis on cutting *trigger warning*

Knife to skin. I want the sweet release of the blood flowing down my arm. One cut isn’t enough. I want more. I want to go deeper and deeper. I just want to cut out all the pain, all the shame, all the hurt. I want people to se how much I hurt. I want peace, peace from the pain, peace forever. I’ve done this before, but Ray doesn’t know about it. I’ve kept it from her. I stole her brother’s pocketknife. I hope she doesn’t hate me for it. I took the abuse most of the time from her grandparents. She heard the words, but I took the beatings. I meant well, but now I feel ashamed for scarring her body.

Cynthia age 15

DONT WANT TO GO TO FUCKING THERAPY!!!!!

HEY, IT’S ENIGMA AND I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THERAPY BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THINGS. DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE MEMORIES….. TO FUCKING MUCH!!!!!!!! RAY SAYS IT WILL BE OK, BUT I DON’T BELIEVE HER. ALSO DON’T WANT TO OPEN UP TO THIS GUY AND THEN HE DECIDES TO LEAVE US LIKE THOSE OTHER THERAPISTS DID….

ENIGMA

Good riddance to our former psychiatrist

So we had our last appointment with our now former psychiatrist yesterday because he is leaving, and thank God. He had told us before that he was going to prescribe 3 months worth of medication, but he is now only giving us one month supply. Also, I asked him when or if you knew anyone we could get evaluated for the dissociative issues, and he said that he didn’t know anyone who believed it actually existed. Plus, he said that he did not believe it did existed at all. He said it was just a figment of people’s imagine imaginations. I said how can he not believe something that is in the DSM? He is such a fucking jerk. Sorry for the language, but this angers me to no end. I should report him to the board. in other news, my PCP is referring me to someone she knows who treats pots. This is really good news as hopefully it will give me some answers combined with the second opinion Cardiology appointment that we have coming up on the 29th. Also, she has given me an assignment to take in at least 750 calories per day. I’m hoping I can do this. It’s going to be really hard, but I’m going to try. I’m supposed to go back to see her in 2 weeks to see if my weight has changed, and if it has dropped, we’re going to have to do something different. I am now down to 115 lbs. Later this morning, my caseworker is coming to take me shopping, and then after that the care coordinator from our insurance company is coming to do the paperwork for Homemaker Services which should be starting by the end of next week. She said that we should get roughly 20 hours per week. This is good news. Also, rpcp said that she knows a psychiatrist who might be willing to take us on as a patient. She just has to talk to her, but she says she can be pretty convincing. Given the situation with the insurance and the medication stuff, I don’t think it should be a problem, but we’ll see. I hope everything works out.
Ray

Good news about doctors and insurance therapy update and psychiatrist stuff

So, my doctor has agreed to see me even with my current insurance. they’re going to do this until either they get contracted to take my insurance or until I switch plans. This is really good news as it will allow me to stick with a Doctor Who understands my needs and complexities. I have a psychiatrist appointment this afternoon, and the clinic is writing off the cost of this appointment because of the insurance situation. Also, my therapist told me that I’m just going to have to learn to use the resources that I do have in regards to my eating disorder, and she also told me to ask the psychiatrist when I go to see them today about ways that I can go about getting further evaluated for the dissociative issues because she said she is not qualified to do those evaluations. I asked her what I was supposed to do if it got to a point where things are medically unstable and I needed more than just inpatient treatment, and she said that I was just going to have to get medically stable and then work with the other stuff on an outpatient basis. I just don’t want things to go downhill and then I not have the support that I need to properly deal with things and then end up going back into a relapse. The other thing that has me worried is that the medication I am on currently is not working like I think it should. One reason for this I think, is because the medication is not out an effective dose to make a lot of a difference. Also, the medication I am on for anxiety is not working. I’m going to talk to the psychiatrist today and see if there’s anything you can do in regards to that. I know they cannot give me anything that is lethal because of the risk of either me or the other alters overdosing on the medication. I know that the borderline personality disorder poses a risk and is a barrier to me actually getting what might help in treatment. I have an appointment in a few hours with my primary care provider because in order to fill the prescription for the ensure that she wrote, I have to have an a valuation by her which she then submits to the durable medical equipment supply store so that they can determine whether they will fill the prescription or not. Ivan have an appointment this afternoon with my psychiatrist to discuss what we are going to do after he leaves. I hope that they don’t have a weight requirement for the ensure prescription to be filled. Also, tomorrow morning my caseworker is taking me shopping, and then after that I am meeting with the care coordinator from my insurance company to do the paperwork so that we can get homemaker services started. She said those it should be started by the end of next week and that I should get roughly 20 hours per week. Also, in therapy yesterday, we discussed on the service reasons for why are use my eating disorder as a coping mechanism. It’s because I feel like so many things are out of my control and it is one way that I can control things. I hope this all makes sense, and thanks for reading.

Ray

Amilia

So, last night, some alters were suicidal because of the flashbacks and nightmares. They put us on one to one last night, but communication got lost between second and third shift staff as the people this morning said I was on fifteen minute checks.
Hi, it’s Amilia, and I’m having food issues. Last night the kitchen gave us two peanut Butter sandwiches and chocolate milk. I also drank 64 ounces of water. I was full afterwards and couldn’t keep the food down….

update time!!!!

So, I’m very frustrated right now. The people in charge of my care aren’t taking me seriously. My doctor won’t give me the DID diagnosis because it takes like three hours to evaluate for it. My doctor only sees us for like five minutes at a time. The only one who believes me is my counselor. She can’t diagnose me though.

Broke up with my boyfriend!!!!

So, today, I broke up with my boyfriend. He told me that my children could be born blind or have alters. He asked me if I’ve considered that. I told him that my children wouldn’t have alters unless they were abused. I told him that he needed to leave. I told him that even if my children were born blind that I would still keep them. He was damaged goods anyway. I deserve so much better than him.

memories 

In the group home where we live, our bedrooms are cold. The cold reminds me of being in an old house where we used to live with my parents. We had no food, no blankets, and very little clothing. I know I’m not there now, but it’s so cold that it just reminds me of being there ‘ag. Other than that, I’m having a prety okay day. Haven’t had the urge to cut… That’s good. When I take naps without taking my medicine for nightmares, I still have them which isn’t good, but I survive. I’ve been fighting the urges to not eat or to purge my food. I’m happy to say that I’ve made it successfully without doing either. I also haven’t had any breakdowns which makes today a good day. Never stop believing in yourself.