So we’ve been in the hospital for like 10 days. Insurance was going to stop paying today anyway. We were supposed to have a psychiatrist appointment today, but the appointment got deleted from my caseworkers computer, so she can’t take me. Had to reschedule the appointment, but the next time he was available wasn’t until August 2. So I just got out of inpatient and have to wait until then to see him. While in the hospital, they put us on eating disorder protocol for like two days and then took us off because we were eating 50% of our meals. Was told by a psychiatrist that if I did not learn to control my dissociation I was never going to get better. He is a freaking jerk! My therapist I had there was really nice and was trying to do everything he could to get us to help we need, but the insurance company instantly shut him down when he was asking about the program in Louisiana. They said they had no funding. I find that hard to believe when they just paid for a $30,000 inpatient psych stay. This is so frustrating! I guess we are just going to have to do things on our own from now on. We are trying to meet with a different therapist who works in the same practice as Misty, but not sure how that’s going to work. Meeting with my caseworker today in my apartment. Hoping that goes well. When I got home, I had to straighten my house because my kitty cat made quite a mess while I was gone. He is back to his lovable self, and I woke up this morning to him sleeping beside me on the couch. I have an air mattress, but I’m going to have to buy a new bed because the mattress keeps losing air for some unknown reason. Well in the hospital, the staff were really triggering. They were talking about their diets and their low-calorie foods and drinks. I asked them to stop, and they said, “this is not an eating disorder is unit, you’re just going to have to deal with it. “Overall, a negative experience in the hospital. The doctor and therapist did what they could. We saw three psychiatrists while you are there. Sorry if there any mistakes in this post, I’m using dictation. Tiger just me out to say hi to you all. How is everyone today? I will be posting a YouTube video later with an update.
So, I am password some future posts because they are diary entries from a two month stay at a psychiatric hospital. If you want the password, you can email me at
So we had our first session with the new psychologist earlier this afternoon, and it went really well. I am so thankful that I found him. I will call him Dr. V. He specializes in trauma-based issues including did, PTSD, eating disorders, and borderline personality disorder. He is very genuine and compassionate and just loves to help his clients to explore and find themselves. He is very present oriented but will delve into the past to unravel things as needed. He is very well versed in SR a and all that it entails. He is going to contact my local ER to make a crisis plan even if that means when we get in a crisis we go to the ER until the crisis passes, but we don’t always have to be hospitalized. He says that we do this when we know that we are going to act on a plan. He is willing to work with us on cooperation and communication as a System. Will do online therapy, and he takes all of his notes on his computer. This makes things easier because I know when he’s writing so I can give him a chance to finish taking his notes before I say something else. He is willing to let us contact him outside of therapy as long as what we have to say is important, like not talking about the weather or something like that. LOL he says that he knows that some of them on the inside will be resistant to therapy and he’s willing to work with that. He says he is committed to this as long as I am. He says he will work with the altars to increase communication. I am just so glad we fountain. We also have to tell our current therapist next Thursday that we have found someone else but that if that falls through to see if she would be willing to see us again, so not completely shut her out but as Dr. V said, give her an olive branch on the way out. I want to say thank you to all of the people who have read our blog. We have received 1000 likes on this blog since it was started almost 3 years ago.
So we had our last appointment with our now former psychiatrist yesterday because he is leaving, and thank God. He had told us before that he was going to prescribe 3 months worth of medication, but he is now only giving us one month supply. Also, I asked him when or if you knew anyone we could get evaluated for the dissociative issues, and he said that he didn’t know anyone who believed it actually existed. Plus, he said that he did not believe it did existed at all. He said it was just a figment of people’s imagine imaginations. I said how can he not believe something that is in the DSM? He is such a fucking jerk. Sorry for the language, but this angers me to no end. I should report him to the board. in other news, my PCP is referring me to someone she knows who treats pots. This is really good news as hopefully it will give me some answers combined with the second opinion Cardiology appointment that we have coming up on the 29th. Also, she has given me an assignment to take in at least 750 calories per day. I’m hoping I can do this. It’s going to be really hard, but I’m going to try. I’m supposed to go back to see her in 2 weeks to see if my weight has changed, and if it has dropped, we’re going to have to do something different. I am now down to 115 lbs. Later this morning, my caseworker is coming to take me shopping, and then after that the care coordinator from our insurance company is coming to do the paperwork for Homemaker Services which should be starting by the end of next week. She said that we should get roughly 20 hours per week. This is good news. Also, rpcp said that she knows a psychiatrist who might be willing to take us on as a patient. She just has to talk to her, but she says she can be pretty convincing. Given the situation with the insurance and the medication stuff, I don’t think it should be a problem, but we’ll see. I hope everything works out.
So I had my meeting with my caseworker Sarah today. We went over my goals for her being with me and we also went over my treatment plan. She says she is going to read some books about dissociative issues. We also signed a release at my former psychiatrists office so that my insurance will authorize transportation for me to go to my appointments. The amazing thing is that she has worked with someone with a visual impairment before so she knows what it’s like and how to handle things. She even understands eating disorders and how hard it is for me to do things. She also doesn’t agree that the whole heart thing is normal like the electrophysiologist said it was. She’s not the only one. Other doctors are saying the same thing. Overall it was a very good meeting. We gave her peanut butter fudge and chocolate chip cookies that we had made.
So, I got some new things for myself for Christmas. I got an iPod touch which is blue, I got some PJ pants and some fuzzy socks. I am so happy with these things. I know the kids will enjoy them.
So, I’ve been struggling with an eating disorder for the last 17 years. For the first 10 years, it was strictly anorexia, and then behaviors alternated between binging and Starving in Cycles. At my lowest weight at 14, I weighed 79 lb. I’m surprised my teachers and school never said or did anything about it. I then also realized that my alters have eating disorders of Their Own. This makes things very complex and confusing as I’m not sure how to work with it all. I’m going back down the road of starvation again. I am finding it very hard to even drink things such as ensure or even eating a piece of cheese. I feel so stupid, lost, and alone. I weigh myself everyday but I’m trying to weigh myself less like maybe once or twice a week. I am trying my best to do this thing called recovery, but I have Medicaid so finding treatment options is not easy. The nearest IOP program to me is two and a half hours away. My alters have behaviors such as binging, starving, and purging. I used to take diet pills and use laxatives as well. If anyone has any tips for recovery from an eating disorder when you also have did, please comment. I now weigh 116 lb. Sorry if this is triggering to anyone.
So everyone told us that we could live independently, well myself, Rayette, I think you know what I mean. Well anyway, they told us this, and I believed it, but now I’m not so sure. The agencies that were supposed to help can’t. The living independent living center told me that they couldn’t provide the adaptive equipment that I needed until I was 65 because I didn’t qualify for the bureau of blind services program. My caseworker is less than reliable because she supposed to take me to doctors appointments and what not, but after my appointment, I have to find a ride home, because I get out of the appointment and find that she has left. Also when she makes appointments to meet with me she cancels at the last minute or calls me and tells me that she can’t come, or she comes and then tells me that she can only stay for a few minutes when I was prepared with a lot of information to give her or had a lot to talk to her about. The services coordinator of the apartment building that I live in was frustrated because she had to come in before she left for work to help me label my microwave so I could use it. I’ve had to resort to online 30 which I pay for out-of-pocket because my insurance won’t cover the therapy that I need. I get a medical reduction for this from the department of human services for my food stamps benefits, but I was supposed to have a live session with my therapist tonight, and I messaged her and she never replied so the session never happened. I’ve had to resort to online therapy sorry for the mistake, I’m using dictation on my phone.
So, we are all feeling very alone tonight. The agencies that were supposed to help us or letting us down. We had to find alternative therapy because the therapist that is they set us up with when we were in the hospital knows nothing about our condition. That therapist doesn’t know anything about trauma. The agency that could help us with independent living can’t because I’m not over 65 but I’m over 18. I just don’t understand. Having trouble managing Mantz by myself, because it’s like someone else takes over before it’s time to take them and we end up missing doses. That’s not good, because I take Depakote, and if the blood level of that medication gets too low, that’s just not a good thing. My psychiatrist saw me last Wednesday, and he’s not seeing me again until 31 October. My therapy is online, so I hope this works. My caseworker is an exactly reliable. One of my teachers was texting me the other day and she asked me well isn’t this what you wanted to live on your own, but she was talking from a person with a visual impairments point of you. She doesn’t know what it’s like to live with mental illness and a visual impairment. If anyone has any tips they would be greatly appreciated. I’m so tired but can’t sleep go to sleep or I’m too afraid to go to sleep because of the nightmares. They’re just getting more and more vivid. I woke up this morning and it wasn’t me who was out. I came out around noon because I heard the crockpot boiling and it brought me back to myself. So that was kind of scary.