Hi from Brianna

Trigger warning: anorexia and trauma

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Hi its Brianna. i am one in the system who struggles with anorexia. i hate food. i hate gaining weight. i don’t want to be bigger. eating brings back memories for me. i went without food for a few days and weeks at a time when we were younger. when the body was 15, i was the one who dealt with food. i got in trouble for going to events and eating “to much” for my grandparents’ approval. we were at church, which is another trigger for some of us, and if we ate a brownie that was to big, we got beat when we got home. so, yeah, food is not in a good mindset for me. 

Oh, and did i mention treatment centers that encourage restriction? Yeah, when we were at Linden Oaks, we were told that we couldn’t have a brownie because it went over by two exchanges for our meal plan, instead of one. I don’t understand why treatment centers who want people with anorexia to eat more are encouraging people to restrict. that annoys me to no end!! Rant over. Thanks for reading.

Brianna

from Emmie TW eating issues

TW eating issues

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Hi its Emmie. I hate food. I hate eating. I hate what it does to my body. I hate the memories of the stuff that was done to me. I want the body to look like me, like a 12-year-old. I don’t want to lose weight to be thin, I want the memories to stop. I don’t think I deserve food. What was done to me, hurts… like crazy… the memories are a lot. Ugh!! Do people get this? It’s not an eating disorder, it’s a trauma symptom. Maybe im overthinking this.

Emmie

A SLEEPY LACEY

HI EVERYONE IT’s LACEY. I’m VERY VERY Tired. I’m TRYING TO STAY AWAKE. IT’s REALLY HARD. THINK I MIGHT JUST SUCCUMB TO SLEEP. THINK I NEED IT. CAN’t KEEP MY EYES OPEN. GOODNIGHT WORLD.

LACEY

have to be ok TW

trigger talk of suicidet
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i have to be ok for Ray. I see what she writes on the lists and to our therapist. She is not ok, so i have to be ok for her. i have to be strong for her. i have to keep it together for her. how long can i do that? how long can we pretend everything is ok? how long before i break? others have to help me because there’s only so much i can do. i’m doing the best i can do for us all. maybe it’s not enough. i don’t know. i’m trying, but will it be enough. how much more can i give before i have nothing left to give? it’s like the insurance is sucking any resolve we have out of all of us. or do we just pretend everything is ok and move on with life because we are never going to get the treatment we need? do we just accetp that? we feel so stuck and alone, and sad, and depressed, and distressed, and anxious. hospitals don’t believe us. they only see Ray. sorry this is so long. 
Tabitha

frum Raina TW me tinks me no kno

TW stuf? me not kno wat to putt
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me no lik dis nite. me no want da bad dreems. me no wanna go back der me hate dem bad peeples. no wanna go back der agin!!!!!!! it be so reel!!! not wanna tink abowt it!!! sumone hug me? me wants a mommy!!! me want a blanky!!! me want my dolly, but me no hav one!!!!! me no wanna be skard!!! me no lik the dark!!!
Raina 4

from Ray ER and depression and eating disorder?

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I don’t believe my low electrolytes the other night were because of our eating disorder. We have not used laxatives in approximately one month. The paramedics gave us 1 L of fluid in half an hour. Then they took our blood. We contacted the international Society for the study of trauma and dissociation, and they didn’t have any ideas for us either. Heard from our attorney yesterday that even with her closing argument, she did not think she could convince the hearing officer to force insurance to pay for our treatment. We cannot go back to Linden Oaks, we just cannot!!! They didn’t except us for who we were. They didn’t let us fully participate in art therapy because it did not fit their standard mold of how things should be. We could not talk about why we struggled with meals, so really, no real healing took place. We just wish there were something someone could do to help us. Just feels like we are trying to climb a brick wall with slippery wet stones and quicksand beneath our feet. We are trying so hard so so very hard. I just don’t know. I don’t know what else to say. For context, we had to go to the ER on Thursday afternoon and we were there for seven hours. They had to give potassium and magnesium through an IV. The paramedics gave us 1 L of fluids in half an hour and then when we got to the ER they took our blood, so no wonder our electrolytes are out of whack! The potassium going into the IV burned a lot. We could not take potassium orally as the oral tablets make us sick. Wish we didn’t have state-based insurances or that our issues weren’t so complex that we don’t fit into a nice neat little box and no one knows what to do with us. Wish we weren’t so broken!

Ray

trauma and depression

Trigger warning: depression and trauma
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Oh how I wish I could help Lacey. I know she struggling so so much. I just wish I could take away her pain. I wish I could take her out of the memories and flashbacks and take away the feelings. I wish I could help her want to live. She started out by protecting me, but now I am protecting her. How is that possible? I don’t know. I just know so many of us are in so much pain. I’m trying to hold things together as best I can.
Ray

struggling TW from Lacey

TW trauma and sadness
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im not ok. i hate memories. i hate flashbacks. im back there again. i dont wanna feel. i wanna be safe. i hate this. hate being so sad. just feels like a black hole. thoughts in my mind so bleak and dark… just wanna feel numb.. hate this time of year. it still feels like 2005. can hear my grandparents yelling and screaming.
Lacey 13