So we got the psychiatrist report from when we saw the new psychiatrist on the 30th, the one that we had waited three months to see. He said D ID was BPD and that we needed dialectical behavior therapy. He also wrote that I had histrionic features and that I am being noncompliant with the treatment regimen because I do not want medication. He’s not seeing me anymore. He also doesn’t show any hope in me getting treatment for my eating disorder. If any of you would like the report, I can forward it to you. He is also under the impression that I said I did not want medication for my pots.
its emmie. i hate food. Ray is eating a lot today. i cant stand it!! flashbacks are to much!!! god i hate this!!
i want the food out!!!
hi everyone. so yesterday, we went to the hospital because our PCP was concerned. we were there for 7 hours only for them to say there was nothing they could do since we weren’t suicidal. they put us in a regular room at first’s, but then they put us in the psych room with the cameras, even though we weren’t suicidal. Then they moved us back to a regular room and we had to wait to get our stuff back after mental health evaluated us.
Mental health said that they couldn’t do anything because the criteria they have for hossitalization states that you have to be suicidal for admission.
My PCP said they couldn’t let me die. so now i don’t know what to do. I feel just so stuck.
[categories eating disorders, mental illness, mental health stigma]
its emmie. i dont want food. i want to be thinner. i just want someone to see me and actually care, like a doctor. im trying, but its just so hard. i cant stop!!! i need to not eat. Do you understand? am i alone? i just want help. i hate this!!!
im so fat!! i hate myself. im so disgusting. i want to keep decreasing my calories. i hate this!! i want to recover, but people notice this body now that they say we’re thin… im not though… im fat!!!
hi its emmie. i dont want to do this anymore. i hate the food. i just cant!!! i wouldn’t mind getting down to 85 pounds or even 80. We’re already 92. or maybe we should just cram our mouth full and risk the refeeding thing. since the insurance or doctors don’t care anyway. just feeling low.
hi its emmie. im sad today. why cant i just be me? i hate switching. why cant i have some control? just feels like im falling apart.
I HATE THE DAMN MEDICAL SYSTEM. WE APPLIED FOR A FINNANCIAL ASSISTANCE PROGRAM, AND THEY SAID THAT BECAUSE WE HAD INSURANCE THAT WE DON’T QUALIFY FOR THE PROGRAM EVEN THOUGH THE PORGRAM THAT WE WENT TO ISN’T COVERED BY MEDICAID. THEY JUST SAID, “WE’RE SORRY, BUT WE CAN’T APPROVE YOU.” WELL, FUCK THEM!!! WE WON’T BE PAYING THAT DAMN BILL!!!!
So we had therapy yesterday. We were exhausted when we got home so went right to sleep afterward. We discussed a lot. have most of the session, and then Emmie had some of it to. I talked about how there’s only so long that we can be expected to be strong, and how that I felt like we were being retraumatised again by the insurance company because it felt like they had all the control. It feels like they are dictating our lives. I was so overwhelmed. Lily introduced us to theraplay. It’s a technique that helps me and other parts get the care we never got as children. It helps us experience what a true attachment is supposed to be. You use things like objects to stemulate the senses. It’s pretty cool. Also, things like good toutching and pressure touch using lotion to show what a good touch is. It was a good session.
Going to the doctor in a little bit, and I know I have gained weight. My fear is that he is going to say I am not sick enough for treatment because I gained 2 pounds. I just wish this were easier for us to handle. I hope we are able to get into river oaks. I know I need treatment, but I still can’t help feeling that I’m not sick enough that I don’t deserve it.