So, yesterday, we went to see our dietitian. As soon as I walked in, and she weighed me, she said well, what are you doing right this time? I knew by that comment that I had gained weight. I then showed her the appeal letter that my attorney had written, and she said that it was a little intense when she had talked about the risk of me dying. I just thought it was really invalidating. It only reinforces the belief that we are not sick enough. Plus, the others don’t feel comfortable coming out around her because she always says that she is not the therapist when the slightest hint of that is happening. Anytime we try to talk about things related to Food, she said we need to talk about what you’ve eaten or what you haven’t eaten. I just wish there was more to the dietitian appointment than that.
So, we still have no updates from our insurance company. They want us to do an assessment at an ophthalmologist in St. Louis which is like three hours away. So it’s going to be three hours there in three hours back just for them to say that we are blind and that is not changing. Six hours for that? It’s ridiculous! We also found out that they still have not found a psychiatrist to do the insurance companies assessment of things as they put it. They said the psychiatrist were based on availability. By the time they get the assessment set up, it could be too late. This is just ridiculous! We want treatment!
Here’s our latest YouTube video!!! A shoutout to the recovery community!!!
[categories my YouTube videos, personal]
Always live to inspire.
Anorexia says no food, but food is fuel.
Anorexia says I’m fat, but I’m not.
Anorexia says I’m not sick enough, but I am.
Anorexia says I’m not deserving of treatment, but I am.
Always live to inspire.
Thank you all for your support and love. I was just going through the coments and approving the ones we missed. and here’s our latest YouTube video.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8Okyd9RfNA
This is all to much. I dont wanna die!! We are really underweight. I want help, but no one will help us!! Feels like we have no control!! I dont like not having control!!! I dont know what to do. I just… dont know!! Just want to block everything out!!! Just so much anxiety!! So much pain… just so sad… so so sad.. just so tired… want the dreams to stop… just want it all to stop!!!
So yesterday in therapy, Lily went ove the diagnostic criteria with us for BPD. She said that even though it’s mild, i still meet criteria. I don’t agree. Maybe I’m not seeing things clearly, but i just don’t see it. I’m not out of control with anger. In fact, usually, I’m not even the one who gets angry. Usually, it’s Enigma or Amilia or someone else who holds that. Lily said that anorexia could be considered impulsive. I don’t ge that, because it’s another disorder entirely. Again, maybe I’m wrong? I just don’t want to have BPD because of the stigma. I’m also confused because before, Lily was saying that i didn’t have it, but now, she’s changed her mind, just because i was in the hospital a few weeks ago for suicidal thoughts. wouldn’t any of you be to if you were going through what we are going through? I’m just confused… Any advice? Lily said she doesn’t even want to work on the BPD because it’s not my main issue. She says my main issues are DID, PTSD, anorexia and depression. She said DID was primary along with anorexia.
So we are at the ER again for psych. I just don’t understand why my insurance has to be so damn stupid!!! This is. Continuous cycle that needs to stop!!! We’re not really fixing the issue. We’re just glossing over it with a temporary band-aid.
so our care coordinator called us yesterday to "give us an update" but it wasn’t much of an update. she said they have to contact UIC to see if teh admission is possible. she couldn’t tell me what doctors would be involved, what unit I would be admitted to, how long the admission would be, or what the assessment would entail. Basically, i have no more information now then when we had the meeting on Friday. I’m just beyond frustrated.
Also, my dietitian is saying we need to figure out something for the shourt term for now, but it’s like putting a Band-Aid over the situation. it’s setting us up for failure. I don’t even want to argue with my care coordinator anymore, and if i had my way, we wouldn’t be talking to her anymore. Sorry for the rant.