So, I’m struggling tonight. Was having a really good day until after dinner. I started thinking about what I had just eaten, and then I was thinking about all the Ensure I have in my kitchen, and all I could think was dumping it down the drain. All I can think about is the calories. I’m glad we have a supportive therapist. I don’t want to seem to dependent on him though. The other thinng is I feel like crying, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I’m supposed to not show my emotions, or at least that’s the message I have always gotten. I just want to cry and scream and mourn the loss of my childhood. I know that will come with time. As my therapist says, I have to be ppatient.
I am currently talking to my friend Tori on Skype. She lives in Australia and Severus from anxiety as you will see by her blog which I will link below. She and she is an amazing person it was overcome so much. Please follow her at
So, we had our psychiatrist appointment yesterday, and the doctor put me on Ambian for sleep and Buspar for anxiety. He said he couldn’t put us on anything else because of the possibility of us overdosing….. I can understand that, but I need something for this fucking depression and these mood shifts. I told him about our panic attacks that would get so bad that I would end up dissociating because I would get so overwhelmed that another part would take over and end up doing harm to the body. He’s starting me off on ten MG of Buspar three times a day and five MG of ambian at bedtime. The manager of the clinic is working on getting me into an inpatient program for trauma disorders. I hate it when people tell me that Jesus can heal a chemical imbalance. I hate stupid religion. I don’t like it when people throw Scripture at me like it’s the answer to everything. If things would be solved just by praying about it, then we wouldn’t need meds or therapists, and the psychiatrists and therapists would be without a job. Don’t know how much more of this depression I can take.
So I spoke with the main staff at my group home, and she said that I needed a higher level of care. On Tuesday, we are going to contact albany care to see if they got my referral. I don’t think she was happy that I had to leave the group home. I hope I can get in. A former vision teacher of mine said she might be able to take me to the place since otherwise, i would have to take the Mega Bus or amtrak. If I took amtrak, I would have to pay $45 extra for the rest of my luggage. I hope this all works out, and at least at albany care, I will have mopre staff to talk to.