So we got the psychiatrist report from when we saw the new psychiatrist on the 30th, the one that we had waited three months to see. He said D ID was BPD and that we needed dialectical behavior therapy. He also wrote that I had histrionic features and that I am being noncompliant with the treatment regimen because I do not want medication. He’s not seeing me anymore. He also doesn’t show any hope in me getting treatment for my eating disorder. If any of you would like the report, I can forward it to you. He is also under the impression that I said I did not want medication for my pots.
So we’ve been in the hospital for like 10 days. Insurance was going to stop paying today anyway. We were supposed to have a psychiatrist appointment today, but the appointment got deleted from my caseworkers computer, so she can’t take me. Had to reschedule the appointment, but the next time he was available wasn’t until August 2. So I just got out of inpatient and have to wait until then to see him. While in the hospital, they put us on eating disorder protocol for like two days and then took us off because we were eating 50% of our meals. Was told by a psychiatrist that if I did not learn to control my dissociation I was never going to get better. He is a freaking jerk! My therapist I had there was really nice and was trying to do everything he could to get us to help we need, but the insurance company instantly shut him down when he was asking about the program in Louisiana. They said they had no funding. I find that hard to believe when they just paid for a $30,000 inpatient psych stay. This is so frustrating! I guess we are just going to have to do things on our own from now on. We are trying to meet with a different therapist who works in the same practice as Misty, but not sure how that’s going to work. Meeting with my caseworker today in my apartment. Hoping that goes well. When I got home, I had to straighten my house because my kitty cat made quite a mess while I was gone. He is back to his lovable self, and I woke up this morning to him sleeping beside me on the couch. I have an air mattress, but I’m going to have to buy a new bed because the mattress keeps losing air for some unknown reason. Well in the hospital, the staff were really triggering. They were talking about their diets and their low-calorie foods and drinks. I asked them to stop, and they said, “this is not an eating disorder is unit, you’re just going to have to deal with it. “Overall, a negative experience in the hospital. The doctor and therapist did what they could. We saw three psychiatrists while you are there. Sorry if there any mistakes in this post, I’m using dictation. Tiger just me out to say hi to you all. How is everyone today? I will be posting a YouTube video later with an update.
So we’re in the ER again. We haven’t been here for three months. Just couldn’t handle the meds not working. The system was going down fast. I was actually on lockdown because I couldn’t cope. Now it’s just a waiting game to see if anyone accepts us. I texted our insurance care coordinator to tell her that they needed to pay for the treatment I needed not subpar treatment. I will keep you updated if I can. Thanks for reading and all your support.
So, I have a day full of appointments. First our homemaker is coming over for an hour and ahalf to help with things around the house, then I have an appointment with my soon to be former therapist, then after that, I have an appointment with anorhter therapist to discuss whether DBT is going to be good to do right now. Then at four, I meet with my psychologist. I will blog about all those things. So you will see a few posts from us. Have a good day, and thanks for reading.
So, I’m passwording the next few posts because they are diary entries from a two month hospital stay in a psych ward. Please email me at
If you want the password.
So, I am password some future posts because they are diary entries from a two month stay at a psychiatric hospital. If you want the password, you can email me at
So we have found a new psychologist who understands our issues and has worked with all of our disorders. He is trauma trained and knows about SRA and covert DID. He says he’s willing to work with us, and our insurance is accepted there to. He does online therapy, and he also told me that there will be times where we will go to see him and the insurance would pay for the trip. I will refer to him as dr V. Really looking forward to our first session tomorrow. Some of the others aren’t looking forward to it because of the fear that they will be left yet again. Will update you all after tomorrows session.
I feel like I’m asking to much of my team. I asked my therapist what we were supposed to do if outpatient therapy wasn’t enough for the eating disorder because of the multilayered issues, and she said, well, you’re just going to have to use the resources you have. I asked her if she was willing to learn about all of our issues, and she said she couldn’t fit it into her schedule. She got frustrated with me for showing my emotions about the lack of services. She said that my tone was disrespectfull. All I was doing was expressing my anger at a system of mental health that has failed us so many times. I told her it was hard for us to trust the process because so many people have told us that we were to much to handle and that we needed someone who was versed in chronic trauma. The DBT therapy is just one group a week. It’s not a full DBT program like with phone coaching and stuff. I cant move to Peoria or Chicago because I don’t really know anyone there who can support me/us. She was frustrated because I forgot to set up transportation because of dissociation. I told her that a few days can pass without me even being aware of it. I guess we just need a plan like a crisis/higher level of care plan for the ED. I hope I’m making sense. I hate sounding like I’m complaining about the lack of services here. She said if I can prove that I can show up for two more appointments then she would schedule appointments for every week after that. We really didn’t do therapy today. I just kept asking her about treatment options and stuff. She told me that I was never going to be satisfied with the answers that she gives me because it doesn’t fit into my little box of an ideal world. She said she didn’t feel like I was really trying to get better but I have been actively seeking treatment options, and I’m getting exhausted. Guess I will do this DBT group thing and if relapse happens with the ED then I just may end up becoming another statistic because of a flawed system. I told her that recovery isn’t leniar which she says she knows, but she says everything goes back to relationships. I tried to explain that the eating disorder ran deeper than just relationships that it all went back to the trauma and the way we view our body and that programming also had something to do with it. Sorry this is so long.
So, my doctor has agreed to see me even with my current insurance. they’re going to do this until either they get contracted to take my insurance or until I switch plans. This is really good news as it will allow me to stick with a Doctor Who understands my needs and complexities. I have a psychiatrist appointment this afternoon, and the clinic is writing off the cost of this appointment because of the insurance situation. Also, my therapist told me that I’m just going to have to learn to use the resources that I do have in regards to my eating disorder, and she also told me to ask the psychiatrist when I go to see them today about ways that I can go about getting further evaluated for the dissociative issues because she said she is not qualified to do those evaluations. I asked her what I was supposed to do if it got to a point where things are medically unstable and I needed more than just inpatient treatment, and she said that I was just going to have to get medically stable and then work with the other stuff on an outpatient basis. I just don’t want things to go downhill and then I not have the support that I need to properly deal with things and then end up going back into a relapse. The other thing that has me worried is that the medication I am on currently is not working like I think it should. One reason for this I think, is because the medication is not out an effective dose to make a lot of a difference. Also, the medication I am on for anxiety is not working. I’m going to talk to the psychiatrist today and see if there’s anything you can do in regards to that. I know they cannot give me anything that is lethal because of the risk of either me or the other alters overdosing on the medication. I know that the borderline personality disorder poses a risk and is a barrier to me actually getting what might help in treatment. I have an appointment in a few hours with my primary care provider because in order to fill the prescription for the ensure that she wrote, I have to have an a valuation by her which she then submits to the durable medical equipment supply store so that they can determine whether they will fill the prescription or not. Ivan have an appointment this afternoon with my psychiatrist to discuss what we are going to do after he leaves. I hope that they don’t have a weight requirement for the ensure prescription to be filled. Also, tomorrow morning my caseworker is taking me shopping, and then after that I am meeting with the care coordinator from my insurance company to do the paperwork so that we can get homemaker services started. She said those it should be started by the end of next week and that I should get roughly 20 hours per week. Also, in therapy yesterday, we discussed on the service reasons for why are use my eating disorder as a coping mechanism. It’s because I feel like so many things are out of my control and it is one way that I can control things. I hope this all makes sense, and thanks for reading.
So, I have just got the results of the psych testing we had done at HartGrove, and this is what it showed:
I was of average intelligence.
I have significant anxiety and depression and PTSD relating to traumatic stress.
I have BPD, but what they didn’t realize was that the symptoms of BPD were being displayed through my other alters.
They tested me for two to three hours a day and different alters would answer questions so answers were inconsistent.
They also said that my emotional responses weren’t congruent with the things I was talking about, for instance, I was smioing when talking about traumatic events.
They said I had symptoms that were consistent with the diagnosis of DID but that I needed further evaluation because the time I had spent there wasn’t enough time to assess for it so they gave me a diagnosis of OSDD pending evaluation.
They also said that they couldn’t evaluate properly for an eating disorder diagnosis because they didn’t have enough time and that my report of weight loss couldn’t be proven even through my report.
They said I needed to be monitored after discharge for suicidality and mood swings and dissociative episodes after discharge. They also suggested that I keep a paper with my name, address phone number of my therapist and at least one other emergency contact with me at all times.