So yesterday in therapy, Lily went ove the diagnostic criteria with us for BPD. She said that even though it’s mild, i still meet criteria. I don’t agree. Maybe I’m not seeing things clearly, but i just don’t see it. I’m not out of control with anger. In fact, usually, I’m not even the one who gets angry. Usually, it’s Enigma or Amilia or someone else who holds that. Lily said that anorexia could be considered impulsive. I don’t ge that, because it’s another disorder entirely. Again, maybe I’m wrong? I just don’t want to have BPD because of the stigma. I’m also confused because before, Lily was saying that i didn’t have it, but now, she’s changed her mind, just because i was in the hospital a few weeks ago for suicidal thoughts. wouldn’t any of you be to if you were going through what we are going through? I’m just confused… Any advice? Lily said she doesn’t even want to work on the BPD because it’s not my main issue. She says my main issues are DID, PTSD, anorexia and depression. She said DID was primary along with anorexia.
So we got the psychiatrist report from when we saw the new psychiatrist on the 30th, the one that we had waited three months to see. He said D ID was BPD and that we needed dialectical behavior therapy. He also wrote that I had histrionic features and that I am being noncompliant with the treatment regimen because I do not want medication. He’s not seeing me anymore. He also doesn’t show any hope in me getting treatment for my eating disorder. If any of you would like the report, I can forward it to you. He is also under the impression that I said I did not want medication for my pots.
what do i have to do to get treatment? we went to the new psychiatrist, and he basically said that he couldn’t help us. He also said that DID is just exaggerated BPD. he said that meds won’t help me and recommended that I continue to meet with my therapist and he’s not seeing us anymore. so much for providers actually listening to us!!! i mean, some of my providers have said that if i don’t get treatment, I will die! they don’t care!!
so just found out that after all these years, insurance doesn’t even have all my diagnoses listed. They don’t even have PTSD. i basically have to be re-evaluated for everything!! just feel like ing crazy!!! i want out!!! i cant do this!!! this with the news that we got from our dietitian today, just to much!!!Ray
So we just wanted to share our YouTube channel here. We talk about life with DID, eating disorders, depression, PTSD, BPD, and other stuff. So, come on over and SUBSCRIBE and SHARE!!!
My Multiple Life
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So we have found a new psychologist who understands our issues and has worked with all of our disorders. He is trauma trained and knows about SRA and covert DID. He says he’s willing to work with us, and our insurance is accepted there to. He does online therapy, and he also told me that there will be times where we will go to see him and the insurance would pay for the trip. I will refer to him as dr V. Really looking forward to our first session tomorrow. Some of the others aren’t looking forward to it because of the fear that they will be left yet again. Will update you all after tomorrows session.
I feel like I’m asking to much of my team. I asked my therapist what we were supposed to do if outpatient therapy wasn’t enough for the eating disorder because of the multilayered issues, and she said, well, you’re just going to have to use the resources you have. I asked her if she was willing to learn about all of our issues, and she said she couldn’t fit it into her schedule. She got frustrated with me for showing my emotions about the lack of services. She said that my tone was disrespectfull. All I was doing was expressing my anger at a system of mental health that has failed us so many times. I told her it was hard for us to trust the process because so many people have told us that we were to much to handle and that we needed someone who was versed in chronic trauma. The DBT therapy is just one group a week. It’s not a full DBT program like with phone coaching and stuff. I cant move to Peoria or Chicago because I don’t really know anyone there who can support me/us. She was frustrated because I forgot to set up transportation because of dissociation. I told her that a few days can pass without me even being aware of it. I guess we just need a plan like a crisis/higher level of care plan for the ED. I hope I’m making sense. I hate sounding like I’m complaining about the lack of services here. She said if I can prove that I can show up for two more appointments then she would schedule appointments for every week after that. We really didn’t do therapy today. I just kept asking her about treatment options and stuff. She told me that I was never going to be satisfied with the answers that she gives me because it doesn’t fit into my little box of an ideal world. She said she didn’t feel like I was really trying to get better but I have been actively seeking treatment options, and I’m getting exhausted. Guess I will do this DBT group thing and if relapse happens with the ED then I just may end up becoming another statistic because of a flawed system. I told her that recovery isn’t leniar which she says she knows, but she says everything goes back to relationships. I tried to explain that the eating disorder ran deeper than just relationships that it all went back to the trauma and the way we view our body and that programming also had something to do with it. Sorry this is so long.
So, I have just got the results of the psych testing we had done at HartGrove, and this is what it showed:
I was of average intelligence.
I have significant anxiety and depression and PTSD relating to traumatic stress.
I have BPD, but what they didn’t realize was that the symptoms of BPD were being displayed through my other alters.
They tested me for two to three hours a day and different alters would answer questions so answers were inconsistent.
They also said that my emotional responses weren’t congruent with the things I was talking about, for instance, I was smioing when talking about traumatic events.
They said I had symptoms that were consistent with the diagnosis of DID but that I needed further evaluation because the time I had spent there wasn’t enough time to assess for it so they gave me a diagnosis of OSDD pending evaluation.
They also said that they couldn’t evaluate properly for an eating disorder diagnosis because they didn’t have enough time and that my report of weight loss couldn’t be proven even through my report.
They said I needed to be monitored after discharge for suicidality and mood swings and dissociative episodes after discharge. They also suggested that I keep a paper with my name, address phone number of my therapist and at least one other emergency contact with me at all times.
So, I’m tired of staff at my facility telling me to suppress my alters or to “Not play that game with them.” I’m tired of the nightmares and flashbacks… I’m just tired of everything….. Looking forward to leaving here in a few months. I’m going to call the place I’m going to on Monday to ask them a bunch of questions…..I’m going to ask them how they deal with BPD, self-harm, and dissociative identity disorder. I want to thank my readers for continuing to read my blog. It really means a lot to me.