from Eliza TW trauma and sexual abuse

TW trauma

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Hi, it’s Eliza. I’m 14. I hate memories. I hate trauma. I hate that I have to remember all the things my father did to me. I hate feeling like I’m there again. The memories of being sold to all those men and having to unload my dad’s drug shipments that he got after I was raped repeatedly, over and over and over again, day after day. I hold so so many memories that the others don’t know about. Just don’t want to keep remembering this stuff.

Eliza 14

email to Lily

Hi Lily,

We want to do therapy the right way. But is there really a “right” way to do therapy? We want to heal, but we also don’t want to put ourselves in an even worse place. we know we are not at the right level of care. I mean, an ED therapist couldn’t even work with us because we need a higher level of care. We don’t want to do things the wrong way, but is right now the right time to be processing trauma? I can barely think to even get this out on paper to try and explain some of our fears. We have no crisis plan if something were to go wrong. No matter which way you look at it, there is no place that will take us because we are to much of a liability. We just want to heal, but it seems the medical system and healthcare system is totally against us!!! Sorry for ranting..
Ray 

Just because you’re on vacation TW trauma

Trigger warning: trauma 

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Just because we’re on vacation, doesn’t mean our trauma stuff stops. We shared a link that someone else on Facebook shared, and it was about child abuse, spacifically that a 13-ear-old girl had died giving birth to her father’s child. I posted about it to spread awareness. Of child abuse, and someone commented on the post telling me to take a break, that i was on vacation, and if she were on vacation, she wouldn’t post about such topics. Ugh!!! This person always likes to start drama no matter what i post. So frustrating. And other proof that your problems don’t just disappear when you’re on vacation, my heart rate was 143 when i got out of the shower even though i took my med before i got in the shower. So just because you’re on vacation, doesn’t mean your problems go away. Enough said. Rant over.
Dilia

frum Raina TW me tinks me no kno

TW stuf? me not kno wat to putt
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me no lik dis nite. me no want da bad dreems. me no wanna go back der me hate dem bad peeples. no wanna go back der agin!!!!!!! it be so reel!!! not wanna tink abowt it!!! sumone hug me? me wants a mommy!!! me want a blanky!!! me want my dolly, but me no hav one!!!!! me no wanna be skard!!! me no lik the dark!!!
Raina 4

feeling overwhelmed (trauma) from Ray trigger warning

Trigger warning: abuse

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just feeling very overwhelmed right now. Trauma sucks and getting new memories…. i don’t need this right now. The only way i know to make them stop is to not eat, and then we just had the whole thing where Lily and us feel stuck in therapy. This hearing can’t come soon enough. Ugh, I hate this!!! wish Lily weren’t so far away.

Ray

ITS EMMI

its emmie. i hate food!!! i just cant eat… so many things happened to me around food. if i eat, i have to throw it up cuz of the you did to me. I dont deserve food. they made me eat so much that i got sick and then they did stuff to me and then made me… eat.. what i threw up!!! god, i cant think about it!!! i cant eat!!! maybe Karen will understand. shes our dietician. i needed to get this out…

Emmie

a research paper I wrote in college on self-injury

Here is one of the papers I wrote in college on the subject of self-injury. I look back at it to know my accomplishments. I ended up getting an A on this paper.

Self-injury as a drug research paper

Rayette Rucker

English 102 Adam Cleary

Every day at school, Olivia is bullied because of her weight. She is also told that she shouldn’t be in the world anymore. She goes home every day looking forward to getting her next fix or “high” from taking a razor across her wrist. After doing this, she feels much better, if only for a moment. For that moment, all her pain melts away until the next time she is bullied, and then the process starts all over again. She keeps doing this until she becomes hopelessly addicted to it.

Self-injury is a drug. Just like Olivia, many people turn to self-injury to cope with their emotional pain. 14 to 24% of adults deal with this issue (NAMI.) Often people can’t afford the therapy or treatment to deal with this issue, so it spirals out of control. When self-injury gets out of hand, it can end in severe bodily disfigurement or even death.

A drug is any substance, product, or action that alters the chemistry of the brain or the cognitive functioning of a person. Long-term drug usage can lead to becoming addicted to the drug. This can result in accidental or intentional death. Dealing with the risk of death can also lead to medical complications. The use of drugs can also lead to academic problems because of the altered brain chemistry. The use of drugs can also become a financial burden to the user and his/her family and friends.

One drug I want to discuss is caffeine. Caffeine can become severely addicting causing headaches from withdrawal. So, have you experienced needing more of that drug? This means you are becoming more and more addicted to it. The same can be said for self-injury. People who injure themselves eventually will need more and more of the harm to get the result they want. Also a person’s pain tolerance increases each time they inflict pain on themselves. The combination of those two factors make this behavior seriously addicting.

Some people become so addicted to a drug that they don’t realize when they’ve taken too much of it and end up dying from an overdose. Self-injury can have the same repercussions. Some people may be in so much pain that they might even want to take their own lives and intentionally kill themselves by cutting. Still others may not want to die, but the injure themselves so severely that they do end up dying anyway.

Drug use can also lead too medical complications leading to hospitalization. People may need their stomach pumped because of an overdose. The brain could be permanently damaged from prolonged drug use. Self-injury has similar medical issues of its own. There can be permanent scarring and/or body disfigurement. Many people who self-injure also have a mental illness that requires hospitalization for stabilization.

Drug use can affect relationships with others such as family and friends. They may ask, “What did I do wrong that would make you turn to drugs.) They may even distance themselves from you because they don’t know what to do or say. Friends and family may even be angry, resentful, and even avoid you all together. Some of these are natural reactions. Self-injury can also be taken in the same way. The family may ask you why you hurt yourself. They may even tell you to just stop. I know from experience that that doesn’t work. The family may make you wear short sleeves in an attempt to “make” you stop.”

Some students may use drugs to make their performance scores on tests better or so they think. Still others may use it to get better concentration while taking notes. For instance, some students may go to drinking just before a class and then go and try to take a test. That won’t work because of a lack of coordination. Self-injury can have the same affects. It can become so dominant in a person’s life that it’s all the person thinks about, therefore, getting in the way of their studies. Also if a teacher sees a cut or scars, they may ask how it happened which could put rifts between the student and the teacher and break trust. It is estimated that 10 to 14% of college students engage in self-harm. (NAMI)

Drug use can also be a financial burden. The drug user’s supplies can cost a lot of cash. Also, it

Can affect the family’s financial budget. Just imagine you’re out on the streets because you got evicted from your apartment because of a drug bust where you lost a lot of money. Therefore, you couldn’t pay the rent. Self-injury can be just as devastating. You have to consider the cost of hospital bills, the cost of first-aid supplies, the burden that those bills will have on the family, and more. T

the numbers of people who self-harm is rising rapidly because treatment is lacking. The therapy and treatment is necessary to treat the underlying issues that caused the self-injury in the first place. This is not limited or excluding: PTSD, schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder, and more. Society is now becoming more and more understanding and sympathetic towards drug abusers and addicts. Society should set up long-term treatment facilities to treat self-injurers just like the 28 day program for alcoholics recovering from alcoholism. These facilities would not let in “sharps”, such as razors, scissors, safety pins, paper clips, ectera. There should be at least three in each state or city to avoid overcrowding. This needs to happen to ensure there are enough beds to accommodate all the patients. Since this is the case, there needs to be more treatment centers or self-injury.

The issues behind self-injury can be very extensive for the person suffering with it. These can include” mental illness, child abuse and more.So, knowing all this information, wouldn’t you agree?

poetry

I feel like a ship tossed to and fro.

Pushed out to sea and pulled back in again.

Just feel like I’m a pawn in a game of tug of war.

Just feels like a fight I will never win.

Just feel like the darkness will engulf me alive,

And that I will never get the chance to just heal and thrive.

feeling low

So, today I’m on fifteen minute checks. Having suicidal thoughts… Wishing I could just escape this pain… So the night before last, I ended up cutting. I was put one to one with  a staff member. They gave me Ativan as a PRN yesterday. Hope it works. If anyone has any questions, please don’t hesitate to comment below.

Antidepressant not working anymore

So, by antidepressant has stopped working. I don’t know why but it just has. Maybe it’s time for them to raise it or something, I’m not sure.also, my medication for nightmares has stopped working too. I’m not getting good sleep at night at all. This is not fun. Trigger warning:

I have

also, my medication for nightmares has stopped working too. I’m not getting good sleep at night at all. This is not fun. Trigger warning:

I have nightmares about the abuse that I went there as a child. I have nightmares about the abuse that I suffered as a result of being in a colt. The nightmares last all through the night, and it’s very frustrating that I can’t get the proper sleep I need to survive daily. I just wish the nightmares would go away. I don’t like them at all.