I’m not ok. Dr. Bland took us off all meds. No one will help us. Our team isn’t answering my calls or returning them. I’m not sure what to do. I can’t go to the ER. They send us home even after suicide attempts. They don’t care.
I now weigh 99 pounds. I’m 5 ft. 4. I just can’t do this anymore!!!
I hate waking up to find myself in somewhat dangerous situations. It’s rally scary to wake up for instance in the mi.le of suicide attempts or to wake up in the ER after one. Wish I could learn ways to handle this. Just feel like things are falling apart.
So we’re in the ER again. We haven’t been here for three months. Just couldn’t handle the meds not working. The system was going down fast. I was actually on lockdown because I couldn’t cope. Now it’s just a waiting game to see if anyone accepts us. I texted our insurance care coordinator to tell her that they needed to pay for the treatment I needed not subpar treatment. I will keep you updated if I can. Thanks for reading and all your support.
So, we just had therapy. We discussed the fact that even through everything that I or the others have done to try and kill the body, we are still alive. He told me that I need to acknowledge that I and others, (thghgh sometimes not everybody) have the will to keep fighting and that we are still surviving after everything we’ve been through. He also said that we can’t expect professionals who haven’t been helpful in the past to suddenly change and do what they’re supposed to do. He the is so much stigma and that we’re not going to erase it all. He wants me to draft a document that we have made as a plan so that if we have to go to the ER we can show it to the doctors. He encouraged me that I would prevail and that recovery has its ups and downs. He says that no one is perfect and I can’t hold myself to standards that are to high for me to meet. He wants me to make a daily goal in regards to the eating, but if I don’t meet it, he wants me to accept it for what it is. He says we take each day as it comes.
So, my doctor has agreed to see me even with my current insurance. they’re going to do this until either they get contracted to take my insurance or until I switch plans. This is really good news as it will allow me to stick with a Doctor Who understands my needs and complexities. I have a psychiatrist appointment this afternoon, and the clinic is writing off the cost of this appointment because of the insurance situation. Also, my therapist told me that I’m just going to have to learn to use the resources that I do have in regards to my eating disorder, and she also told me to ask the psychiatrist when I go to see them today about ways that I can go about getting further evaluated for the dissociative issues because she said she is not qualified to do those evaluations. I asked her what I was supposed to do if it got to a point where things are medically unstable and I needed more than just inpatient treatment, and she said that I was just going to have to get medically stable and then work with the other stuff on an outpatient basis. I just don’t want things to go downhill and then I not have the support that I need to properly deal with things and then end up going back into a relapse. The other thing that has me worried is that the medication I am on currently is not working like I think it should. One reason for this I think, is because the medication is not out an effective dose to make a lot of a difference. Also, the medication I am on for anxiety is not working. I’m going to talk to the psychiatrist today and see if there’s anything you can do in regards to that. I know they cannot give me anything that is lethal because of the risk of either me or the other alters overdosing on the medication. I know that the borderline personality disorder poses a risk and is a barrier to me actually getting what might help in treatment. I have an appointment in a few hours with my primary care provider because in order to fill the prescription for the ensure that she wrote, I have to have an a valuation by her which she then submits to the durable medical equipment supply store so that they can determine whether they will fill the prescription or not. Ivan have an appointment this afternoon with my psychiatrist to discuss what we are going to do after he leaves. I hope that they don’t have a weight requirement for the ensure prescription to be filled. Also, tomorrow morning my caseworker is taking me shopping, and then after that I am meeting with the care coordinator from my insurance company to do the paperwork so that we can get homemaker services started. She said those it should be started by the end of next week and that I should get roughly 20 hours per week. Also, in therapy yesterday, we discussed on the service reasons for why are use my eating disorder as a coping mechanism. It’s because I feel like so many things are out of my control and it is one way that I can control things. I hope this all makes sense, and thanks for reading.
I feel like a ship tossed to and fro.
Pushed out to sea and pulled back in again.
Just feel like I’m a pawn in a game of tug of war.
Just feels like a fight I will never win.
Just feel like the darkness will engulf me alive,
And that I will never get the chance to just heal and thrive.
Hi, it’s Ray, and I just cant keep doing this. I need something for this depression. There are insiders who are stockpiling our sleep meds and anxiety meds. Although, you cant overdose on buspar. We cant go to our local ER because people don’t understand… Our caseworker told us that the ER didn’t want us there anymore and to not go there again for psych. To go to the next city would cost us $40 which we don’t have. Just could really use a friend.
I appreciate all of what you all do for us. The DID diagnosis was confirmed in therapy session on Wednesday. I know I may be difficult at times to deal with, but I want you to know that we’re trying. I’m fighting for the survival of this body and fighting for the chance to heal from my past. I need to know all of what happened to me so that I can heal from it. This may take a very long time to do, but even through the hard times, I need all of you to be there for us. If we do attempt suicide or self-harm, it’s not for attention. It’s because the pain we’re in is to great to live with. I wish that could be communicated to the ospital as well. They don’t understand DID at all. It’s going to take a lot of time and hard work, but I know some day, we will heal. Even if we fail, we will keep trying. There may be days where we want to give up, but you have to encourage us to keep going no matter how much we may not want to do it. If that means you have to put us somewhere to keep us safe, then that is what that means. No matter how much we resist, you have to keep pushing. There are some inside who don’t want to keep going or live, and they need to be worked with. We know we are a xomplex system, but with time and compassionate people, we can learn to work as a team.
Please forward this to everyone on the team.
So its Rayette, and im just feeling like total crap. Weve had five suicide attempts in the past month no make that six. We keep going to the hospital for help after each attempt, but they keep sending us home. Dealing with programming stuff and feeling very triggered and alone. Just need a friend. Just want to die!!!!!!!!! There are alters who have plans that they feel like they have to go through with them because of the programming… Someone please talk to us!!!!!!!!!! Just want to end it all!!!!!!!
So, I don’t know what to do about whats going on. Im dealing with three alters who are dealing with suicidal programming. I went shopping the other day and came back from shopping and found a bottle of Tylenol in my bag that I don’t remember buying. Every time I try to throw away the Tylenol, they take over and hide tit form me. Also found out that being locked up in the hospital is a trigger for the others, so cant go to the hospital. Also cant go to the hospital because the ER already told me that if I go there again for psych, we will be involuntarily committed to an institution. Also found out that I have another apartment inspection on the 15th and if I don’t pass it, they will begin eviction proceedings. Amilia thinks it would be beter to be dead than homeless…. Just don’t know what to do.