Hi from Brianna

Trigger warning: anorexia and trauma

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Hi its Brianna. i am one in the system who struggles with anorexia. i hate food. i hate gaining weight. i don’t want to be bigger. eating brings back memories for me. i went without food for a few days and weeks at a time when we were younger. when the body was 15, i was the one who dealt with food. i got in trouble for going to events and eating “to much” for my grandparents’ approval. we were at church, which is another trigger for some of us, and if we ate a brownie that was to big, we got beat when we got home. so, yeah, food is not in a good mindset for me. 

Oh, and did i mention treatment centers that encourage restriction? Yeah, when we were at Linden Oaks, we were told that we couldn’t have a brownie because it went over by two exchanges for our meal plan, instead of one. I don’t understand why treatment centers who want people with anorexia to eat more are encouraging people to restrict. that annoys me to no end!! Rant over. Thanks for reading.

Brianna

Ciella in therapy

Hi everyone,

It’s Ciella.

So Friday in therapy, Lily was talking to me on Zoom, a video conferencing platform, and she saw our shirt, and she thought it said allergic to Mommys, but it said allergic to mornings. I pointed this out to her, and she said, “well, guess I have bad eyesight,” and I said, “not as bad as mine.” We laughed for like 5 minutes straight. It was hilarious. We love her so much!

Just thought you could use a laugh for the day. 😊

from Emmie TW eating issues

TW eating issues

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Hi its Emmie. I hate food. I hate eating. I hate what it does to my body. I hate the memories of the stuff that was done to me. I want the body to look like me, like a 12-year-old. I don’t want to lose weight to be thin, I want the memories to stop. I don’t think I deserve food. What was done to me, hurts… like crazy… the memories are a lot. Ugh!! Do people get this? It’s not an eating disorder, it’s a trauma symptom. Maybe im overthinking this.

Emmie

treatment…. never happening…. trigger swear word

Trigger swear word

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Trigger warning swear word

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So, I called a few places to plead my case and to ask if they had financial assistance, and told them we had a state based medical program, and you know what they said? They said that since we had and qualified for state insurance programs, we didn’t qualify for their financial assistance program even though our insurance didn’t cover their program. What a load of crap!!! So because of my economic status, we can’t get treatment, because we’re not privelleged enough to be upper-class citizens of America. Ugh!! Damn it!!!

Ray

A SLEEPY LACEY

HI EVERYONE IT’s LACEY. I’m VERY VERY Tired. I’m TRYING TO STAY AWAKE. IT’s REALLY HARD. THINK I MIGHT JUST SUCCUMB TO SLEEP. THINK I NEED IT. CAN’t KEEP MY EYES OPEN. GOODNIGHT WORLD.

LACEY

HFS final ruling

So, HFS issued its final ruling and we received the 20 page letter today. They said that the insurance company did not have to pay for the treatment we needed and our request was denied. They also said that it did not find that what we were requesting was within their jurisdiction. They said it was more a grievance that we were saying that our insurance would not find an alternative treatment plan. So now, we have to first try appealing to the circuit clerk court in Morgan County, and if that doesn’t work, we take it to the district court, and then, if that doesn’t work, we go to the supreme court. So we are looking at another year maybe more before we can get the treatment we need. For now, we are focusing on school. We are getting a new Windows laptop from the Illinois assistive technology program next Wednesday we have no choice but to keep going. We are not going to give up even though some days that is what we want to do. We will fight as hard as we can. They won’t take us down without a fight!

Ray

have to be ok TW

trigger talk of suicidet
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i have to be ok for Ray. I see what she writes on the lists and to our therapist. She is not ok, so i have to be ok for her. i have to be strong for her. i have to keep it together for her. how long can i do that? how long can we pretend everything is ok? how long before i break? others have to help me because there’s only so much i can do. i’m doing the best i can do for us all. maybe it’s not enough. i don’t know. i’m trying, but will it be enough. how much more can i give before i have nothing left to give? it’s like the insurance is sucking any resolve we have out of all of us. or do we just pretend everything is ok and move on with life because we are never going to get the treatment we need? do we just accetp that? we feel so stuck and alone, and sad, and depressed, and distressed, and anxious. hospitals don’t believe us. they only see Ray. sorry this is so long. 
Tabitha

dietitian, psych APN and doctor?

So, today, we have a day full of appointments. We are talking to our psych APN at noon, then we see our dietitian at one, then we see our primary care provider at 2:20 PM as a follow-up from the ER visit we had on Thursday. Going to be a very busy day indeed. I wish we could get some answers, because our treatment team is scrambling to come up with a stable treatment plan that will work on an outpatient basis when they know we need residential care. Wish us luck.

Ray