poetry from Ciara 13

Paralyzed by fear,
don’t move, 
don’t speak
don’t scream.
Let them do what they must
can’t escape so i escape into my mind
and then,
split, someone else comes to take my place.
he breaks me and molds me to what he wants me to be
i’m just laying there, alone.
is that all I’m worth?
to be used and abused?
Am I unlovable?



Thanks for reading.
Ciara 13.


For anyone with DID, how do you deal with time loss? I hate “waking up” to find myself in dangerous sometimes lifethreatening situations with no clue how it happened. I know I can’t plan for this as you never know when it will happen. So how do we deal with it?



So this is going to be long. So I am Ray. I am the host and the dominant personality. I used to go by Rayette, that is until my therapist convinced me to change my name to Ray. Rayette hasn’t been out since we were younger. She still thinks it’s 1993. She doesn’t realize that 25 years almost have passed. She aged with me and watched on the inside to gain the knowledge that I have, so she knows how to use computers and how to use other electronics. I know our experience may not fit the typical textbook case of DID, but every case is different. Just wanted to vent my frustrations here and want to hear people’s thoughts.



Hey, its Rayette. I figured out how to do this whole Internet thing by watching from the inside. Why does everything seem so different? It’s still 1993… But I dont understand why everything is all jumbled. Dont know how to cope with life. Want to run away!!!! I didnt even know we were multiple!!! Feeling crazy!!! Is anybody there? I’m freaking out!!!


treatment: feeling stuck trigger warning

I feel like I’m asking to much of my team. I asked my therapist what we were supposed to do if outpatient therapy wasn’t enough for the eating disorder because of the multilayered issues, and she said, well, you’re just going to have to use the resources you have. I asked her if she was willing to learn about all of our issues, and she said she couldn’t fit it into her schedule. She got frustrated with me for showing my emotions about the lack of services. She said that my tone was disrespectfull. All I was doing was expressing my anger at a system of mental health that has failed us so many times. I told her it was hard for us to trust the process because so many people have told us that we were to much to handle and that we needed someone who was versed in chronic trauma. The DBT therapy is just one group a week. It’s not a full DBT program like with phone coaching and stuff. I cant move to Peoria or Chicago because I don’t really know anyone there who can support me/us. She was frustrated because I forgot to set up transportation because of dissociation. I told her that a few days can pass without me even being aware of it. I guess we just need a plan like a crisis/higher level of care plan for the ED. I hope I’m making sense. I hate sounding like I’m complaining about the lack of services here. She said if I can prove that I can show up for two more appointments then she would schedule appointments for every week after that. We really didn’t do therapy today. I just kept asking her about treatment options and stuff. She told me that I was never going to be satisfied with the answers that she gives me because it doesn’t fit into my little box of an ideal world. She said she didn’t feel like I was really trying to get better but I have been actively seeking treatment options, and I’m getting exhausted. Guess I will do this DBT group thing and if relapse happens with the ED then I just may end up becoming another statistic because of a flawed system. I told her that recovery isn’t leniar which she says she knows, but she says everything goes back to relationships. I tried to explain that the eating disorder ran deeper than just relationships that it all went back to the trauma and the way we view our body and that programming also had something to do with it. Sorry this is so long.


Why I have been am I a

Hi everyone,

So the reason I have been am I a is because we have been in the hospital for the last four days. Was told there that they could not help and that we needed more long-term treatment outpatient. Still looking for eating disorder treatment and therapists who specialize in dissociative issues, but still no luck. Going to keep trying though some of the nurses there were less than professional. For example, one day I asked them to check my heart rate, and it was 161 when I was standing up, so I want to get another nurse, and when she came in she listened to my heart and said that it was 82. I told her that my heart rate does not go down when I stand up especially by half, and she said, “well it is 82 and that is what I’m charging it as because I’m the professional. “I hate people who use their power of being a professional know to take power over someone else. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow and then an appointment with my primary care provider on Thursday. Hoping that the homemaker can start soon so that we can get this house straightened up. I’m also going shopping with my caseworker on Friday. Spoke to the national eating association, and they told me that really the only treatment facility they found was an IOP program in Peoria.

email I sent to my therapist about being real…..


It’s Ray, and I have a question….. Am I real? Sometimes, I feel like a shell of a person…. I feel deep sadness and pain and hurt and heartache, but I have to wonder, are those feelings real? Am I real? Are the people inside me real? Are they just figments of my imagination? Some days I know they’re real, but other days, I’m not so sure. Some days, I doubt the DID, but other days when I come back to find that 3 or 4 hours have passed and things have been done that I have no memory of have happened, then I can’t deny it. But I still have to wonder, is all this real, or am I just crazy???