the evaluation

Hi everyone,Hope everyone is doing well!!

Ray

So today, as we speak right now, we are sitting on a train on the way to Chicago to the psychogolical evaluation. We are so excited to get this done. So excited to finally meet Megan!! After all these nine months, we finally get to meet!!! Yay!!!

Trigger warning eating disorder late night thoughts

Trigger warning: eating disorder tttttHello everyone,So just having some late night thoughts. Just thinking about treatment, and how it’s not even been a month yet, and we’re already struggling and almost back to pre-inpatient weight. I feel like a failure.. i know recovery is not leniar, but i still feel like i should have been able to keep things together longer than 3 weeks. i just feel like i didn’t try hard enough. i feel like i’m failing at recovery. this is just so hard. if we have to go back to inpatient, none of our issues will be addressed and we will end up in this same situation when we get back home. I’m just getting tired of this cycle. i just want to recover!!! Ugh!!! i hate anorexia. we’ve had it for 19 years!!! They say recovery is harder after 7 years of the illness. Why do things have to be so hard??Ray

she found us again… ugh!!!

So our biological mom found us again. This time, she found us through Twitter. When will the contact ever stop? It just amazes me how someone who hurt us so much good still want contact.

I mean, she actually direct messaged us and left her phone number. It’s just so frustrating that when we try to get away, we still can’t.

Ray

JUST MY THOUGHTS

HI EVERYBODY,

IT’S AMILIA. I WISH I COULD SPEAK, BUT I CAN’T. I’M LISTENING OT A SONG CALLED SPEECHLESS. IT TALKS ABOUT NOT BEING SPEECHLESS ABOUT THINGS WE’VE BEEN THROUGH. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO TELL MY STORY SOME DAY I MEAN ACTUALLY SPEAK IT. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO HELP OTHER TEENS IN MY SITUATION WHETHER THEY BE INSIDERS IN OTHER’S SYSTEMS OR OTHER OUTSIDE TEENS. I’M 16 BUT FEEL MUCH OLDER THAN MY SIXTEEN YEARS. I’M JUST SADDENED THAT WE CAN’T GET THE HELP WE NEED AND MAYBE NEVER WILL. WWE WANT HELP, BUT CAN’T GET IT. IT’S SAD.

AMILIA

from emmie TW eating disorder

trigger warning: eating disorder

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not eating makes me feel safe. i dont know why but it does. We were only allowed to have a certain number of calories growing up and now i freak out when we go over that amount, it’s like its a PTSD trigger… not sure if this makes sense.

i dont eat so i dont remember. i know the others eat but then i feel guilty cause i use laxatives… i feel like such a failure. i just wanna do things 12 year olds do. Why? Why me?

Emmie

frum Amithyst

hi it me Amithyst. i be hapy taday. i lik the computer. it be fun. i wan candy but we not have any. we hav lemon cooky but it be yucky!! me no lik it. me lik da music we play on da speaker thingy. how evrone be taday?

Amithyst 6

hopeful update about the appeal

So got an email from Megan yesterday, and it said.. they will be sending a draft of their appeal letter to their supervisor and finalizing it, and then they will send us a copy. God, i hope this appeal goes through and we finally get treatment.. Should know something by Monday or Tuesday if they got the appeal and then the hearing has to be scheduled with the state. That could take a few months, but hope not!! we just need a break!! i hope against all hopes and odds that we will finally get the help we need!! 

Ray

why me? *tw*

*triggers talk of ritual abuse*

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Why was I allowed to escape? Why weren’t the other kids allowed to be free? Why did they have to die or continue to be programmed? Why just why??? Why did we have to kill those children? Why did we have to do those horrible things? I feel so guilty!!!

Ray

Always live to inspire.