from Eliza TW trauma and sexual abuse

TW trauma

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Hi, it’s Eliza. I’m 14. I hate memories. I hate trauma. I hate that I have to remember all the things my father did to me. I hate feeling like I’m there again. The memories of being sold to all those men and having to unload my dad’s drug shipments that he got after I was raped repeatedly, over and over and over again, day after day. I hold so so many memories that the others don’t know about. Just don’t want to keep remembering this stuff.

Eliza 14

Spoke to our primary care providers office yesterday trigger warning medical

Trigger warning medical not sure……So, yesterday, we called our primary care providers office and asked her for help. We asked if they could place an NJ tube, but she said that she could not do that. She had said we had to wait for the G.I. consult on March 20. She wants us to drink three protein shakes per day diluted with water to make them easier to swallow as well as eating three full-size meals per day. This is nearly impossible. We can barely manage some days to eat some applesauce and some chicken broth. Why can’t we just get help? I also found out why I haven’t been seeing my dietitian. My primary care provider never sent in a referral to her when I switched providers. So I have not seen her since January 7. I called her and asked her for her advice yesterday, and I asked her if she could prescribe a feeding tube, and she said if it was eating disorder related, maybe. She told me to also wait for the G.I. consult. I am just getting so frustrated at this point. I just need nutrition! Dammit!Ray

Trigger warning medical

TW medical . . . . . . . So, I spoke to Alsana today, and they do not take people with feeding tubes. They said if i got a feeding tube, I would need a higher level of care. I also spoke to Eating Recovery Center, and they said that they do feeding tubes on a short-term basis. So, basically, if I needed a feeding tube long-term because of gastroparesis, no place would accept me. So once again, we don’t fit into a box of criteria. So why even try to get into treatment? Also, Medicaid is coming up with a list of places they believe will meet my needs, and they are giving that to Meridian next week, so we don’t even get a choice in the places they choose. Everything just feels out of my control!!! Eating disorder programs don’t understand chronic illness, and I was even told by Alsana that in eating disorder treatment programs, you have to eat food, and if I went there, they would need a menu of foods from my GI team that I could eat, because i couldn’t have a tube during programming. The thing is, I can’t take the only motility med they prescribe which is Reglin. She also said that people on feeding tubes are just existing, not living. I’m half tempted to ask Megan to stop pursuing the eating disorder treatment. Ray

going to California

Hello everybody,

So today we are going to California to visit a friend. So so excited!!! Yay!! Can’t wait!! Our flight leaves at 7:20 this morning!! Yay!! Have to get up in about 45 minutes to get ready to leave. So an early morning. We are all packed and ready to go. We are taking our MacBook Air with us for editing videos that we will be recording there. So so excited!

Ray

from Lilianna food TW

Trigger warning: foodt
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hi everyone, i hate food, it causes me so much pain. i hate it i hate it. i hate being in so much pain physically. i hate our achy joints. i feel like my body is punnishing me for doing what im supposed to, which is eat. ugh!!!
Lilianna

from Miranda

Hi, it’s Miranda. I’m 16. I don’t like being in pain. i hate it so so much. pain makes me feel sick. ugh!!!! why do i have to b in pain? 

Miranda

from Lilianna a teen part TW

Trigger warning: trauma and PTSD

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Hi its Lilianna. im 13. i hate trauma. i hate remembering. i hate flashbacks. i know we need to weigh more. i know we are to thin. i dont know how to help with stuff. i am just not sure how to stay out of the memories. 

Lilianna

Frustrations with the healthcare system

Trigger warning eating disorder and I don’t know what else
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So, I spoke to my care coordinator, Courtney, at the insurance company, and she said that as long as the state isn’t forcing them to pay for anything, they’re not going to. She said residential treatment will not be covered no matter what we do. She said I was going to have to find intensive outpatient or partial hospitalization program options. I told her that the closest one was two hours away, and she said, “well we provide transportation. “ I told her that that was not the point, but partial hospitalization was not clinically recommended by anyone on my team. I said to her, “do things have to get really bad before insurance will do anything? Or are they just going to let me die? I know my providers won’t allow that to happen, but still, I still wonder this. Why does the insurance have to govern the treatment we get when they are not even the professionals on my team? It doesn’t make sense. I don’t want to have to get down to 89 or even 85 pounds and have to do this continuous loop From inpatient directly back to outpatient, skipping three levels of care, but I really don’t see that we have a choice. As long as money hungry people are in charge of making the decisions about what they will cover for my healthcare, then I feel powerless. This is beyond my insurance company at this point. It is at the state level. I don’t understand why the laws in Illinois aren’t protecting us from this cruelty and depravity. It doesn’t make sense! Not only that, but my physical health problems are being blamed on my mental health. Eating disorders don’t cause hypermobile joints or scoliosis or any of the other symptoms of idiots that I have which doctors refuse to diagnose because insurance again won’t cover genetic testing. Insurance won’t cover my prosthetics to be replaced which I’ve had for 10 years. I don’t understand what I have to do to get the healthcare I deserve as a US citizen. I feel like I’m fighting for everything I’m asking for. I fought to have us recognized as a system. We have been fighting insurance for over two years at this point. Can’t even go to the doctor for a physical health issue without them saying that I need to get the Mental Health treated first before they can help with the other stuff. I probably sound like I’m complaining too much. I should be grateful that I’m alive.
Ray

from Emmie TW eating issues

TW eating issues

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Hi its Emmie. I hate food. I hate eating. I hate what it does to my body. I hate the memories of the stuff that was done to me. I want the body to look like me, like a 12-year-old. I don’t want to lose weight to be thin, I want the memories to stop. I don’t think I deserve food. What was done to me, hurts… like crazy… the memories are a lot. Ugh!! Do people get this? It’s not an eating disorder, it’s a trauma symptom. Maybe im overthinking this.

Emmie