from Emmie TW eating issues

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Hi its Emmie. I hate food. I hate eating. I hate what it does to my body. I hate the memories of the stuff that was done to me. I want the body to look like me, like a 12-year-old. I don’t want to lose weight to be thin, I want the memories to stop. I don’t think I deserve food. What was done to me, hurts… like crazy… the memories are a lot. Ugh!! Do people get this? It’s not an eating disorder, it’s a trauma symptom. Maybe im overthinking this.

Emmie

treatment…. never happening…. trigger swear word

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So, I called a few places to plead my case and to ask if they had financial assistance, and told them we had a state based medical program, and you know what they said? They said that since we had and qualified for state insurance programs, we didn’t qualify for their financial assistance program even though our insurance didn’t cover their program. What a load of crap!!! So because of my economic status, we can’t get treatment, because we’re not privelleged enough to be upper-class citizens of America. Ugh!! Damn it!!!

Ray

A SLEEPY LACEY

HI EVERYONE IT’s LACEY. I’m VERY VERY Tired. I’m TRYING TO STAY AWAKE. IT’s REALLY HARD. THINK I MIGHT JUST SUCCUMB TO SLEEP. THINK I NEED IT. CAN’t KEEP MY EYES OPEN. GOODNIGHT WORLD.

LACEY

HFS final ruling

So, HFS issued its final ruling and we received the 20 page letter today. They said that the insurance company did not have to pay for the treatment we needed and our request was denied. They also said that it did not find that what we were requesting was within their jurisdiction. They said it was more a grievance that we were saying that our insurance would not find an alternative treatment plan. So now, we have to first try appealing to the circuit clerk court in Morgan County, and if that doesn’t work, we take it to the district court, and then, if that doesn’t work, we go to the supreme court. So we are looking at another year maybe more before we can get the treatment we need. For now, we are focusing on school. We are getting a new Windows laptop from the Illinois assistive technology program next Wednesday we have no choice but to keep going. We are not going to give up even though some days that is what we want to do. We will fight as hard as we can. They won’t take us down without a fight!

Ray

have to be ok TW

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i have to be ok for Ray. I see what she writes on the lists and to our therapist. She is not ok, so i have to be ok for her. i have to be strong for her. i have to keep it together for her. how long can i do that? how long can we pretend everything is ok? how long before i break? others have to help me because there’s only so much i can do. i’m doing the best i can do for us all. maybe it’s not enough. i don’t know. i’m trying, but will it be enough. how much more can i give before i have nothing left to give? it’s like the insurance is sucking any resolve we have out of all of us. or do we just pretend everything is ok and move on with life because we are never going to get the treatment we need? do we just accetp that? we feel so stuck and alone, and sad, and depressed, and distressed, and anxious. hospitals don’t believe us. they only see Ray. sorry this is so long. 
Tabitha

from Ray ER and depression and eating disorder?

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I don’t believe my low electrolytes the other night were because of our eating disorder. We have not used laxatives in approximately one month. The paramedics gave us 1 L of fluid in half an hour. Then they took our blood. We contacted the international Society for the study of trauma and dissociation, and they didn’t have any ideas for us either. Heard from our attorney yesterday that even with her closing argument, she did not think she could convince the hearing officer to force insurance to pay for our treatment. We cannot go back to Linden Oaks, we just cannot!!! They didn’t except us for who we were. They didn’t let us fully participate in art therapy because it did not fit their standard mold of how things should be. We could not talk about why we struggled with meals, so really, no real healing took place. We just wish there were something someone could do to help us. Just feels like we are trying to climb a brick wall with slippery wet stones and quicksand beneath our feet. We are trying so hard so so very hard. I just don’t know. I don’t know what else to say. For context, we had to go to the ER on Thursday afternoon and we were there for seven hours. They had to give potassium and magnesium through an IV. The paramedics gave us 1 L of fluids in half an hour and then when we got to the ER they took our blood, so no wonder our electrolytes are out of whack! The potassium going into the IV burned a lot. We could not take potassium orally as the oral tablets make us sick. Wish we didn’t have state-based insurances or that our issues weren’t so complex that we don’t fit into a nice neat little box and no one knows what to do with us. Wish we weren’t so broken!

Ray

struggling TW from Lacey

TW trauma and sadness
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im not ok. i hate memories. i hate flashbacks. im back there again. i dont wanna feel. i wanna be safe. i hate this. hate being so sad. just feels like a black hole. thoughts in my mind so bleak and dark… just wanna feel numb.. hate this time of year. it still feels like 2005. can hear my grandparents yelling and screaming.
Lacey 13

Is it ok?

What more can we do to get the treatment we need? What more can we do that we haven’t already done? Is it ok that we’re struggling with food and stuff and trauma right now? Is it ok or understandable that we aren’t making a lot of progress? Just feeling so defeated…
Ray