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Hi from Brianna

Trigger warning: anorexia and trauma

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Hi its Brianna. i am one in the system who struggles with anorexia. i hate food. i hate gaining weight. i don’t want to be bigger. eating brings back memories for me. i went without food for a few days and weeks at a time when we were younger. when the body was 15, i was the one who dealt with food. i got in trouble for going to events and eating “to much” for my grandparents’ approval. we were at church, which is another trigger for some of us, and if we ate a brownie that was to big, we got beat when we got home. so, yeah, food is not in a good mindset for me. 

Oh, and did i mention treatment centers that encourage restriction? Yeah, when we were at Linden Oaks, we were told that we couldn’t have a brownie because it went over by two exchanges for our meal plan, instead of one. I don’t understand why treatment centers who want people with anorexia to eat more are encouraging people to restrict. that annoys me to no end!! Rant over. Thanks for reading.

Brianna

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from Emmie TW eating issues

TW eating issues

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Hi its Emmie. I hate food. I hate eating. I hate what it does to my body. I hate the memories of the stuff that was done to me. I want the body to look like me, like a 12-year-old. I don’t want to lose weight to be thin, I want the memories to stop. I don’t think I deserve food. What was done to me, hurts… like crazy… the memories are a lot. Ugh!! Do people get this? It’s not an eating disorder, it’s a trauma symptom. Maybe im overthinking this.

Emmie

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HFS final ruling

So, HFS issued its final ruling and we received the 20 page letter today. They said that the insurance company did not have to pay for the treatment we needed and our request was denied. They also said that it did not find that what we were requesting was within their jurisdiction. They said it was more a grievance that we were saying that our insurance would not find an alternative treatment plan. So now, we have to first try appealing to the circuit clerk court in Morgan County, and if that doesn’t work, we take it to the district court, and then, if that doesn’t work, we go to the supreme court. So we are looking at another year maybe more before we can get the treatment we need. For now, we are focusing on school. We are getting a new Windows laptop from the Illinois assistive technology program next Wednesday we have no choice but to keep going. We are not going to give up even though some days that is what we want to do. We will fight as hard as we can. They won’t take us down without a fight!

Ray

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have to be ok TW

trigger talk of suicidet
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i have to be ok for Ray. I see what she writes on the lists and to our therapist. She is not ok, so i have to be ok for her. i have to be strong for her. i have to keep it together for her. how long can i do that? how long can we pretend everything is ok? how long before i break? others have to help me because there’s only so much i can do. i’m doing the best i can do for us all. maybe it’s not enough. i don’t know. i’m trying, but will it be enough. how much more can i give before i have nothing left to give? it’s like the insurance is sucking any resolve we have out of all of us. or do we just pretend everything is ok and move on with life because we are never going to get the treatment we need? do we just accetp that? we feel so stuck and alone, and sad, and depressed, and distressed, and anxious. hospitals don’t believe us. they only see Ray. sorry this is so long. 
Tabitha

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dietitian, psych APN and doctor?

So, today, we have a day full of appointments. We are talking to our psych APN at noon, then we see our dietitian at one, then we see our primary care provider at 2:20 PM as a follow-up from the ER visit we had on Thursday. Going to be a very busy day indeed. I wish we could get some answers, because our treatment team is scrambling to come up with a stable treatment plan that will work on an outpatient basis when they know we need residential care. Wish us luck.

Ray

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trigger warning: medical stuff and still more waiting

Trigger warning: medical stuff and eating disordert
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So today, we saw a different nurse practitioner as our primary care doctor is on vacation until Monday. We don’t know what we are going to do from now on because my primary care provider was seeing me once a month until the residential treatment got approved, so now I guess they are going to talk and figure it out. I also think the nurse practitioner is going to refer me to a geneticist to get tested for Ehlers-Danlos syndrome but she believes I most likely have. I also have to see the ENT again because we have ear infections in both ears. This is not good as ear infections in the past have caused our eardrum to rupture which the left one already is. We are very fatigued and in a lot of pain both because of EDS and body memories. I hope my team can figure something out. I’m hoping that I can go to the geneticist and maybe get some answers. They might need an echocardiogram before they can get it approved, but not sure yet. Think we are going to go to sleep for a while, and hopefully when we wake up, we will be in less pain. Doesn’t help that we are on our period.
Ray

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Is it ok?

What more can we do to get the treatment we need? What more can we do that we haven’t already done? Is it ok that we’re struggling with food and stuff and trauma right now? Is it ok or understandable that we aren’t making a lot of progress? Just feeling so defeated…
Ray

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from Dana TW food

TW food

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hi im Dana. i dont like food in the tummy. i dont like to be full. i get flashbacks of the bad stuff when im full. i dont like it. i feel like im back there again…. i dont even want to think about it.

Dana 11

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Trigger warning eating disorder late night thoughts

Trigger warning: eating disorder tttttHello everyone,So just having some late night thoughts. Just thinking about treatment, and how it’s not even been a month yet, and we’re already struggling and almost back to pre-inpatient weight. I feel like a failure.. i know recovery is not leniar, but i still feel like i should have been able to keep things together longer than 3 weeks. i just feel like i didn’t try hard enough. i feel like i’m failing at recovery. this is just so hard. if we have to go back to inpatient, none of our issues will be addressed and we will end up in this same situation when we get back home. I’m just getting tired of this cycle. i just want to recover!!! Ugh!!! i hate anorexia. we’ve had it for 19 years!!! They say recovery is harder after 7 years of the illness. Why do things have to be so hard??Ray