HI ITS AMILIA. I’M JUST SO FULL OF FOOD!!! I HATE THIS!! I KNOW THAT I NEED TO EAT, BUT ITS JUST SO MUCH!!! I KNOW WE NEED HELP, BUT I’M JUST SO AFRAID!!!
tags[alters, DID, anorexia, ED, dissociative identity disorder, eating disorder, mental illness, mental health]
I made these today. Let me know what you think of how they look. I bet they’ll taste amazing!
So, I’m going !my doctor on Monday. My care coordinator from my insurance -pany will be there. My caseworker will also be there. This doctor isn’t reY a doctor. She’s a nurse practitioner. I’m just afraid she’ll say I’m not sick enough clinicY for eating disorder treatment. I’m also apprehensive that the program we’re going to at OSF will know how !help us. Guess you could say, it’s hard for us !trust professionals.
So, my psychologist just terminated me. He said it’s because I can’t let go of my beliefs about food. He only had 8 sessions with us. Now we have no one who specializes in DID or ED. Also, our psychiatrist’s office told me yesterday that they don’t work with patients with ED. If I want to get any kind of treatment, I have to go to Chicago for subsidized housing which the waiting lists are long for. They range between 6 months to a year or longer. Just feel so lost, defeated, alone, and depressed.
TRIGGER WARNING: TALK OF FOOD
Sso just ordered from papa johns. I ordered a chocolate chip brownie with caramel seasalt icing and some cheese sticks. I deserve food. I deserve to eat. I deserve nourishment. My body deserves it. It may not be the healthiest, but at least it’s food. I’m proud of myself!!!!
So, my PCP told me that I was not sick enough for treatment for my ED. She said, “you’re physically healthy, you’re at the lower end of normal BMI, your labs look good (they were taken a month ago), insurance probably wouldn’t even pay for an intensive outpatient program or for just outpatient therapy. “She just said to eat six small meals a day (For snack size meals and 1/2 container of ensure twice per day). So basically, none of the professionals on my treatment team are taking things seriously. When they where you at the doctors office, they don’t even take the weight off for the weight of your clothes, so they do not get an accurate picture of how much you weigh. I just don’t know what to do. I can’t go to residential because my insurance doesn’t cover it. She asked me which behaviors and I had and I told her I restricted my food intake, and she said well you’re not anorexic or bulimic, and restricting alone won’t get you into inpatient (like restricting is less of an issue then purging). I’m just so frustrated because I went in today looking for answers, and I got nothing. Makes me want to recover less and less. Makes me want to get to that “sick enough “where people actually take me seriously. It’s sad that we have to do that.
Trigger Warning: Mention of weight and numbers
So my psychologist isn’t concerned about our ED. He said he doesn’t get concerned unless weight goes below 100 pounds. I’m only 9 pounds away from that. He told me to not make an emergency of something that’s not. I told him I didn’t have a dietician especially not one that specializes in ED, and he said I didn’t need a specialist. I told him that a person with an eating disorder can have medical complications even at a normal weight. He told me that for treatment places to accept me, I would have to be at death’s door. He’s basically telling me I’m not sick enough for treatment. Makes me want to cake things worse just to prove to people that I need treatment. I just don’t know anymore!!!
So, we just had therapy. We discussed the fact that even through everything that I or the others have done to try and kill the body, we are still alive. He told me that I need to acknowledge that I and others, (thghgh sometimes not everybody) have the will to keep fighting and that we are still surviving after everything we’ve been through. He also said that we can’t expect professionals who haven’t been helpful in the past to suddenly change and do what they’re supposed to do. He the is so much stigma and that we’re not going to erase it all. He wants me to draft a document that we have made as a plan so that if we have to go to the ER we can show it to the doctors. He encouraged me that I would prevail and that recovery has its ups and downs. He says that no one is perfect and I can’t hold myself to standards that are to high for me to meet. He wants me to make a daily goal in regards to the eating, but if I don’t meet it, he wants me to accept it for what it is. He says we take each day as it comes.
Get rid of the scale!!!
You are not defined by the number on the scale. You are much more than that. I understand if you are trying to lose weight for health reasons, but you dont need to do it unhealthily.
Find someone you can talk to.
Having someone to talk to really helps me to know that I’m not alone. By the way, if anyone needs to talk, I’m here. You can email me at
Reach out for help!!
You want to nip an ED in the butt before it destroys you. I know an ED is all about control, but you want to take control of it before it takes control of you. I’ve been dealing with an ED for the last 17 years.
Join a support group.
I’m still learning to accept these tips myself, and I know there will be days when I struggle, but we all can overcome this. You are beautiful just the way you are. I believe in you. From no one else does, just remember my blog and that I believe in you. Stay strong and keep fighting no matter how hard it gets. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I just felt like someone needed to hear that. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
So, we had therapy today, and it was hard. We talked about me raising the number of calories I take in each day. We also discussed getting Rayette on board with getting unstuck from the trauma and getting oriented to the present. I think she will be shocked to realize that 25 and a half years have passed. He’s going to do this slowly over time. He also wants me to log the times I come back and realize that time was lost. I told him that the reason I take in 600 calories a day is because of the cult stuff, and he said he wants to work on breaking that association with food and the cult so we can be healthy physically. He’s basically getting to know us. He’s going to call the director of the ER to see about maybe letting me use my iPOD in the unit if I get admitted because of the fact that the group handouts are all in print. I told him there was an app on my iPod that I could use to take a picture of the printed material and it would read it to me. We talked about self-harm and how that Amilia does it because she can’t speak, so she’s communicating her pain in a physical way. So that was therapy.