trauma and depression

Trigger warning: depression and trauma
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Oh how I wish I could help Lacey. I know she struggling so so much. I just wish I could take away her pain. I wish I could take her out of the memories and flashbacks and take away the feelings. I wish I could help her want to live. She started out by protecting me, but now I am protecting her. How is that possible? I don’t know. I just know so many of us are in so much pain. I’m trying to hold things together as best I can.
Ray

struggling TW from Lacey

TW trauma and sadness
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im not ok. i hate memories. i hate flashbacks. im back there again. i dont wanna feel. i wanna be safe. i hate this. hate being so sad. just feels like a black hole. thoughts in my mind so bleak and dark… just wanna feel numb.. hate this time of year. it still feels like 2005. can hear my grandparents yelling and screaming.
Lacey 13

Is it ok?

What more can we do to get the treatment we need? What more can we do that we haven’t already done? Is it ok that we’re struggling with food and stuff and trauma right now? Is it ok or understandable that we aren’t making a lot of progress? Just feeling so defeated…
Ray

Can’t Sleep…

Good morning everyone,

So we can’t sleep. Nightmares are not cool. Not cool at all!!!! We hate this month. Think I will be up for a while. Ugh. I want the memories to stop!!!

Emmie 12

The hearing results

So today we had the hearing. We didn’t get the results we were hoping for. Meridian tried to throw some off-the-wall legal crap to derail our plans, and it worked. My attorney’s have to do more research to try to combat their arguments. The treatment center also said that a PHP program will not benefit us that we need residential treatment. My entire treatment team is angry with them, and Medicaid has some ludicrous laws about paying for residential treatment. I guess only Illinois has these laws. We are going to use the parody law argument to hopefully help our case. I really hope that something happens, or eventually we will be going to the media.

Ray

from Dana TW food

TW food

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hi im Dana. i dont like food in the tummy. i dont like to be full. i get flashbacks of the bad stuff when im full. i dont like it. i feel like im back there again…. i dont even want to think about it.

Dana 11

the evaluation

Hi everyone,Hope everyone is doing well!!

Ray

So today, as we speak right now, we are sitting on a train on the way to Chicago to the psychogolical evaluation. We are so excited to get this done. So excited to finally meet Megan!! After all these nine months, we finally get to meet!!! Yay!!!

she found us again… ugh!!!

So our biological mom found us again. This time, she found us through Twitter. When will the contact ever stop? It just amazes me how someone who hurt us so much good still want contact.

I mean, she actually direct messaged us and left her phone number. It’s just so frustrating that when we try to get away, we still can’t.

Ray

JUST MY THOUGHTS

HI EVERYBODY,

IT’S AMILIA. I WISH I COULD SPEAK, BUT I CAN’T. I’M LISTENING OT A SONG CALLED SPEECHLESS. IT TALKS ABOUT NOT BEING SPEECHLESS ABOUT THINGS WE’VE BEEN THROUGH. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO TELL MY STORY SOME DAY I MEAN ACTUALLY SPEAK IT. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO HELP OTHER TEENS IN MY SITUATION WHETHER THEY BE INSIDERS IN OTHER’S SYSTEMS OR OTHER OUTSIDE TEENS. I’M 16 BUT FEEL MUCH OLDER THAN MY SIXTEEN YEARS. I’M JUST SADDENED THAT WE CAN’T GET THE HELP WE NEED AND MAYBE NEVER WILL. WWE WANT HELP, BUT CAN’T GET IT. IT’S SAD.

AMILIA

WHAT ABOUT US?

QUESTIONS TO PONDER AND MY THOUGHTS: FROM ENIGMA

SOO, I’VE BEEN THINKING, WHAT ABOUT US WHO ARE UNDERWEIGHT AND SUFFERING MEDICALLY BUT WHO HAVE GOVERNMENT INSURANCE LIKE MEDICAID? LIKE WHEN THERE IS NOTHING IN THE STATE TO TREAT OUR EATING DISORDERS? WHAT DO WE DO THEN? THEY ALWAYS SAY THAT IT’S THE PEOPLE IN BIGGER BODIES THAT GET STIGMATIZED AND DISMISSED, BUT WHAT ABOUT THEE DOCTORS THAT DON’T WANT TO FIGHT OUR INSURANCE COMPANIES BECAUSE IT TAKES TO MUCH OF THEIR TIME? WHEN DO WE GET HELP? WHY DO WE HAVE TO BE TOL BY INSURANCE COMPANIES THAT THEY KNOW THE RISKS OF EATING DISORDERS, BUT THAT SOMETIMES PEOPLE JUST DIE BECAUSE THE SERVICES THEY NEED AREN’T COVERED? WHY DO WE HAVE TO SUFFER WITH LOW LAB VALUES BECAUSE THE INSURANCE COMPANY WANTS TO SAVE A FEW DOLLARS? WHAT ABOUT OUR LIVES? DON’T THEY MATTER? THE MEDICAL DIRECTORS WHO ARE MAKING THESE DECISIONS DON’T ACTUALLY GET TO MEET THE ONES WHO THEY ARE MAKING DECISIONS ABOUT. THEY JUST MAKE DECISIONS BASED ON WHAT THEY SEE ON PAPER. THEY MAKE A DECISION ABOUT COVERAGE FOR A MENTAL ILLNESS BASED ON PHYSICAL FINDINGS. IS ANYONE WILLING TO FIGHT FOR US, THE UNDERSERVED? OR, ARE WE TO “COMPLEX” FOR YOU TO EVEN TRY? WHO WILL TAKE THAT LEAP OF FAITH TO HELP US ON OUR RECOVERY JOURNEY? ALL WE ARE ASKING FOR IS HELP, AND I THOUGHT THAT WAS SUPPOSED OT BE OK. PEOPLE SAY TO NOT BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HEP, BUT NOW THAT WE FINALLY ARE, WE’RE BEING TOLD WE ARE TO COMPLEX.

ENIGMA