the evaluation

Hi everyone,Hope everyone is doing well!!

Ray

So today, as we speak right now, we are sitting on a train on the way to Chicago to the psychogolical evaluation. We are so excited to get this done. So excited to finally meet Megan!! After all these nine months, we finally get to meet!!! Yay!!!

Trigger warning eating disorder late night thoughts

Trigger warning: eating disorder tttttHello everyone,So just having some late night thoughts. Just thinking about treatment, and how it’s not even been a month yet, and we’re already struggling and almost back to pre-inpatient weight. I feel like a failure.. i know recovery is not leniar, but i still feel like i should have been able to keep things together longer than 3 weeks. i just feel like i didn’t try hard enough. i feel like i’m failing at recovery. this is just so hard. if we have to go back to inpatient, none of our issues will be addressed and we will end up in this same situation when we get back home. I’m just getting tired of this cycle. i just want to recover!!! Ugh!!! i hate anorexia. we’ve had it for 19 years!!! They say recovery is harder after 7 years of the illness. Why do things have to be so hard??Ray

she found us again… ugh!!!

So our biological mom found us again. This time, she found us through Twitter. When will the contact ever stop? It just amazes me how someone who hurt us so much good still want contact.

I mean, she actually direct messaged us and left her phone number. It’s just so frustrating that when we try to get away, we still can’t.

Ray

JUST MY THOUGHTS

HI EVERYBODY,

IT’S AMILIA. I WISH I COULD SPEAK, BUT I CAN’T. I’M LISTENING OT A SONG CALLED SPEECHLESS. IT TALKS ABOUT NOT BEING SPEECHLESS ABOUT THINGS WE’VE BEEN THROUGH. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO TELL MY STORY SOME DAY I MEAN ACTUALLY SPEAK IT. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO HELP OTHER TEENS IN MY SITUATION WHETHER THEY BE INSIDERS IN OTHER’S SYSTEMS OR OTHER OUTSIDE TEENS. I’M 16 BUT FEEL MUCH OLDER THAN MY SIXTEEN YEARS. I’M JUST SADDENED THAT WE CAN’T GET THE HELP WE NEED AND MAYBE NEVER WILL. WWE WANT HELP, BUT CAN’T GET IT. IT’S SAD.

AMILIA

WHAT ABOUT US?

QUESTIONS TO PONDER AND MY THOUGHTS: FROM ENIGMA

SOO, I’VE BEEN THINKING, WHAT ABOUT US WHO ARE UNDERWEIGHT AND SUFFERING MEDICALLY BUT WHO HAVE GOVERNMENT INSURANCE LIKE MEDICAID? LIKE WHEN THERE IS NOTHING IN THE STATE TO TREAT OUR EATING DISORDERS? WHAT DO WE DO THEN? THEY ALWAYS SAY THAT IT’S THE PEOPLE IN BIGGER BODIES THAT GET STIGMATIZED AND DISMISSED, BUT WHAT ABOUT THEE DOCTORS THAT DON’T WANT TO FIGHT OUR INSURANCE COMPANIES BECAUSE IT TAKES TO MUCH OF THEIR TIME? WHEN DO WE GET HELP? WHY DO WE HAVE TO BE TOL BY INSURANCE COMPANIES THAT THEY KNOW THE RISKS OF EATING DISORDERS, BUT THAT SOMETIMES PEOPLE JUST DIE BECAUSE THE SERVICES THEY NEED AREN’T COVERED? WHY DO WE HAVE TO SUFFER WITH LOW LAB VALUES BECAUSE THE INSURANCE COMPANY WANTS TO SAVE A FEW DOLLARS? WHAT ABOUT OUR LIVES? DON’T THEY MATTER? THE MEDICAL DIRECTORS WHO ARE MAKING THESE DECISIONS DON’T ACTUALLY GET TO MEET THE ONES WHO THEY ARE MAKING DECISIONS ABOUT. THEY JUST MAKE DECISIONS BASED ON WHAT THEY SEE ON PAPER. THEY MAKE A DECISION ABOUT COVERAGE FOR A MENTAL ILLNESS BASED ON PHYSICAL FINDINGS. IS ANYONE WILLING TO FIGHT FOR US, THE UNDERSERVED? OR, ARE WE TO “COMPLEX” FOR YOU TO EVEN TRY? WHO WILL TAKE THAT LEAP OF FAITH TO HELP US ON OUR RECOVERY JOURNEY? ALL WE ARE ASKING FOR IS HELP, AND I THOUGHT THAT WAS SUPPOSED OT BE OK. PEOPLE SAY TO NOT BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HEP, BUT NOW THAT WE FINALLY ARE, WE’RE BEING TOLD WE ARE TO COMPLEX.

ENIGMA

from emmie TW eating disorder

trigger warning: eating disorder

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not eating makes me feel safe. i dont know why but it does. We were only allowed to have a certain number of calories growing up and now i freak out when we go over that amount, it’s like its a PTSD trigger… not sure if this makes sense.

i dont eat so i dont remember. i know the others eat but then i feel guilty cause i use laxatives… i feel like such a failure. i just wanna do things 12 year olds do. Why? Why me?

Emmie

frum Amithyst

hi it me Amithyst. i be hapy taday. i lik the computer. it be fun. i wan candy but we not have any. we hav lemon cooky but it be yucky!! me no lik it. me lik da music we play on da speaker thingy. how evrone be taday?

Amithyst 6

I hate insurance!

So, we still have no updates from our insurance company. They want us to do an assessment at an ophthalmologist in St. Louis which is like three hours away. So it’s going to be three hours there in three hours back just for them to say that we are blind and that is not changing. Six hours for that? It’s ridiculous! We also found out that they still have not found a psychiatrist to do the insurance companies assessment of things as they put it. They said the psychiatrist were based on availability. By the time they get the assessment set up, it could be too late. This is just ridiculous! We want treatment!

Ray

Feeling accomplished

So, we got some news yesterday that the appointment we were supposed to have on March 5 cannot happen because of insurance. When we were with Meridian, we had transportation, but now that we are on straight Medicaid, we don’t. So our appointment had to be moved to April 3. Our caseworker, your member Sarah? Haven’t seen her in a month, anyway, she is taking us on April 3 to see this doctor. The entire reason we got this new doctor was because insurance wanted the diagnoses to come from a doctor. So the appointment that was scheduled in January cannot happen until April. That’s a little ridiculous since it is just establishing care with the primary care provider. Anyway, the point of this email, we have not had homemakers for three weeks, and we have had help here and there from our friend Carol. Well, I did the dishes this morning! Didn’t have any issues with dizziness or my heart rate or anything. Feeling very accomplished. Later today, our Department of rehab services worker is coming to have us sign forms that she said she should’ve had a sign last time she saw us. It is going to reestablish our homemaker services. In other news, the appeal that we are trying to get against Meridian is going to be tricky because the rule that we had for months to file or request the appeal is a state rule, it’s not something the insurance company came up with, so we don’t know if we can get an extension. It’s looking like we can’t. Anyway, that four months is up on April 19. Once that is up, we cannot fight them anymore to get them to pay for treatment. We are hoping for the best.

Ray