HI ITS AMILIA. I’M JUST SO FULL OF FOOD!!! I HATE THIS!! I KNOW THAT I NEED TO EAT, BUT ITS JUST SO MUCH!!! I KNOW WE NEED HELP, BUT I’M JUST SO AFRAID!!!
tags[alters, DID, anorexia, ED, dissociative identity disorder, eating disorder, mental illness, mental health]
so things moved very quickly today. The application was approved for Project Heal!!! They’re sending it to Aloria on Monday and then we wait for them to call for an admit date!!! So excited!!!
so i have really good news!!! we’re very highly likely going to be going to be going to Aloria Health to go to treatment for the eating disorder. we’re filling out an application for Project Heal today and have already done the intake and hopx to hear back from Aloria today as to if we got in or not. Also, we get to keep our Social Security benefits and sece it’s not being paid for by insurance, there isn’t a limit on how long we get to stay there. i just have to go today to the indccpendent living center so someone can help us fill out the applicaity. Has anyone ever been to Aloria? What was your experience? So excited to start my recovery journey!!
So, my PCP told me that I was not sick enough for treatment for my ED. She said, “you’re physically healthy, you’re at the lower end of normal BMI, your labs look good (they were taken a month ago), insurance probably wouldn’t even pay for an intensive outpatient program or for just outpatient therapy. “She just said to eat six small meals a day (For snack size meals and 1/2 container of ensure twice per day). So basically, none of the professionals on my treatment team are taking things seriously. When they where you at the doctors office, they don’t even take the weight off for the weight of your clothes, so they do not get an accurate picture of how much you weigh. I just don’t know what to do. I can’t go to residential because my insurance doesn’t cover it. She asked me which behaviors and I had and I told her I restricted my food intake, and she said well you’re not anorexic or bulimic, and restricting alone won’t get you into inpatient (like restricting is less of an issue then purging). I’m just so frustrated because I went in today looking for answers, and I got nothing. Makes me want to recover less and less. Makes me want to get to that “sick enough “where people actually take me seriously. It’s sad that we have to do that.
So, we just had therapy. We discussed the fact that even through everything that I or the others have done to try and kill the body, we are still alive. He told me that I need to acknowledge that I and others, (thghgh sometimes not everybody) have the will to keep fighting and that we are still surviving after everything we’ve been through. He also said that we can’t expect professionals who haven’t been helpful in the past to suddenly change and do what they’re supposed to do. He the is so much stigma and that we’re not going to erase it all. He wants me to draft a document that we have made as a plan so that if we have to go to the ER we can show it to the doctors. He encouraged me that I would prevail and that recovery has its ups and downs. He says that no one is perfect and I can’t hold myself to standards that are to high for me to meet. He wants me to make a daily goal in regards to the eating, but if I don’t meet it, he wants me to accept it for what it is. He says we take each day as it comes.
So, I’m struggling tonight. Was having a really good day until after dinner. I started thinking about what I had just eaten, and then I was thinking about all the Ensure I have in my kitchen, and all I could think was dumping it down the drain. All I can think about is the calories. I’m glad we have a supportive therapist. I don’t want to seem to dependent on him though. The other thinng is I feel like crying, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I’m supposed to not show my emotions, or at least that’s the message I have always gotten. I just want to cry and scream and mourn the loss of my childhood. I know that will come with time. As my therapist says, I have to be ppatient.
Get rid of the scale!!!
You are not defined by the number on the scale. You are much more than that. I understand if you are trying to lose weight for health reasons, but you dont need to do it unhealthily.
Find someone you can talk to.
Having someone to talk to really helps me to know that I’m not alone. By the way, if anyone needs to talk, I’m here. You can email me at
Reach out for help!!
You want to nip an ED in the butt before it destroys you. I know an ED is all about control, but you want to take control of it before it takes control of you. I’ve been dealing with an ED for the last 17 years.
Join a support group.
I’m still learning to accept these tips myself, and I know there will be days when I struggle, but we all can overcome this. You are beautiful just the way you are. I believe in you. From no one else does, just remember my blog and that I believe in you. Stay strong and keep fighting no matter how hard it gets. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I just felt like someone needed to hear that. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
So, I’ve been struggling with an eating disorder for the last 17 years. For the first 10 years, it was strictly anorexia, and then behaviors alternated between binging and Starving in Cycles. At my lowest weight at 14, I weighed 79 lb. I’m surprised my teachers and school never said or did anything about it. I then also realized that my alters have eating disorders of Their Own. This makes things very complex and confusing as I’m not sure how to work with it all. I’m going back down the road of starvation again. I am finding it very hard to even drink things such as ensure or even eating a piece of cheese. I feel so stupid, lost, and alone. I weigh myself everyday but I’m trying to weigh myself less like maybe once or twice a week. I am trying my best to do this thing called recovery, but I have Medicaid so finding treatment options is not easy. The nearest IOP program to me is two and a half hours away. My alters have behaviors such as binging, starving, and purging. I used to take diet pills and use laxatives as well. If anyone has any tips for recovery from an eating disorder when you also have did, please comment. I now weigh 116 lb. Sorry if this is triggering to anyone.
I feel like a ship tossed to and fro.
Pushed out to sea and pulled back in again.
Just feel like I’m a pawn in a game of tug of war.
Just feels like a fight I will never win.
Just feel like the darkness will engulf me alive,
And that I will never get the chance to just heal and thrive.