have to be ok TW

trigger talk of suicidet
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i have to be ok for Ray. I see what she writes on the lists and to our therapist. She is not ok, so i have to be ok for her. i have to be strong for her. i have to keep it together for her. how long can i do that? how long can we pretend everything is ok? how long before i break? others have to help me because there’s only so much i can do. i’m doing the best i can do for us all. maybe it’s not enough. i don’t know. i’m trying, but will it be enough. how much more can i give before i have nothing left to give? it’s like the insurance is sucking any resolve we have out of all of us. or do we just pretend everything is ok and move on with life because we are never going to get the treatment we need? do we just accetp that? we feel so stuck and alone, and sad, and depressed, and distressed, and anxious. hospitals don’t believe us. they only see Ray. sorry this is so long. 
Tabitha

trauma and depression

Trigger warning: depression and trauma
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Oh how I wish I could help Lacey. I know she struggling so so much. I just wish I could take away her pain. I wish I could take her out of the memories and flashbacks and take away the feelings. I wish I could help her want to live. She started out by protecting me, but now I am protecting her. How is that possible? I don’t know. I just know so many of us are in so much pain. I’m trying to hold things together as best I can.
Ray

struggling TW from Lacey

TW trauma and sadness
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im not ok. i hate memories. i hate flashbacks. im back there again. i dont wanna feel. i wanna be safe. i hate this. hate being so sad. just feels like a black hole. thoughts in my mind so bleak and dark… just wanna feel numb.. hate this time of year. it still feels like 2005. can hear my grandparents yelling and screaming.
Lacey 13

BPD no no no!!!

So yesterday in therapy, Lily went ove the diagnostic criteria with us for BPD. She said that even though it’s mild, i still meet criteria. I don’t agree. Maybe I’m not seeing things clearly, but i just don’t see it. I’m not out of control with anger. In fact, usually, I’m not even the one who gets angry. Usually, it’s Enigma or Amilia or someone else who holds that. Lily said that anorexia could be considered impulsive. I don’t ge that, because it’s another disorder entirely. Again, maybe I’m wrong? I just don’t want to have BPD because of the stigma. I’m also confused because before, Lily was saying that i didn’t have it, but now, she’s changed her mind, just because i was in the hospital a few weeks ago for suicidal thoughts. wouldn’t any of you be to if you were going through what we are going through? I’m just confused… Any advice? Lily said she doesn’t even want to work on the BPD because it’s not my main issue. She says my main issues are DID, PTSD, anorexia and depression. She said DID was primary along with anorexia.

Ray

At the ER again…

So we are at the ER again for psych. I just don’t understand why my insurance has to be so damn stupid!!! This is. Continuous cycle that needs to stop!!! We’re not really fixing the issue. We’re just glossing over it with a temporary band-aid.

Ray

went to the hospital yesterday

hi everyone. so yesterday, we went to the hospital because our PCP was concerned. we were there for 7 hours only for them to say there was nothing they could do since we weren’t suicidal. they put us in a regular room at first’s, but then they put us in the psych room with the cameras, even though we weren’t suicidal. Then they moved us back to a regular room and we had to wait to get our stuff back after mental health evaluated us.

Mental health said that they couldn’t do anything because the criteria they have for hossitalization states that you have to be suicidal for admission.

My PCP said they couldn’t let me die. so now i don’t know what to do. I feel just so stuck.

[categories eating disorders, mental illness, mental health stigma]

CANT do this!! just cant *tw*

so just found out that after all these years, insurance doesn’t even have all my diagnoses listed. They don’t even have PTSD. i basically have to be re-evaluated for everything!! just feel like ing crazy!!! i want out!!! i cant do this!!! this with the news that we got from our dietitian today, just to much!!!Ray

Therapy in a little bit

Hi everyone, We have therapy in like half an hour. Enigma needs to talk to him today about her feeling suicidal. I hope we have a good session. Ray

Will things ever get better?

Hi everyone,

I don’t even know where to start. This whole trying to get help in reaching out is beyond frustrated because everyone is saying there’s nothing they can do. Insurance is saying I don’t meet criteria, yet I continue to lose weight. The crisis center and other hospitals aren’t excepting us because of the complex medical issues the trauma and the visual impairment. I feel like I am complaining and then I shouldn’t do that. I was told by a very trusted friend that he didn’t believe in SR a. He said it was my reality but that he didn’t believe in it. I don’t even know where I can go for support anymore. The one hospital that will except us we cannot get to because no one is willing to drive us. We are such a burden that no one is willing to drive us 45 minutes to get the help we need actually maybe it is an hour and a half, but still! We just want help, is that too much to ask?

Ray

Good morning

So, how is everyone doing today? We’re doing ok today. Still feeling suicidal though, but we’ll have to make the best of it. Have to fake it till we make it. All I know is that I can’t keep going like this. We’re continuing to lose weight. Not sure how much longer I can keep doing this. I just feel so alone. I could really use a friend. Just feeling really defeated. I want to cut. I’ve never done that before. T’i always been Amilia. Not sure why I want to do it. Does this mean I’m a failure? I hate myself. I don’t want to live. My mood is all over the place. I hate this. I hope this insurance says yes. I really really hope they do.

Ray