Going to the doctor in a little bit, and I know I have gained weight. My fear is that he is going to say I am not sick enough for treatment because I gained 2 pounds. I just wish this were easier for us to handle. I hope we are able to get into river oaks. I know I need treatment, but I still can’t help feeling that I’m not sick enough that I don’t deserve it.
So we’ve been in the hospital for like 10 days. Insurance was going to stop paying today anyway. We were supposed to have a psychiatrist appointment today, but the appointment got deleted from my caseworkers computer, so she can’t take me. Had to reschedule the appointment, but the next time he was available wasn’t until August 2. So I just got out of inpatient and have to wait until then to see him. While in the hospital, they put us on eating disorder protocol for like two days and then took us off because we were eating 50% of our meals. Was told by a psychiatrist that if I did not learn to control my dissociation I was never going to get better. He is a freaking jerk! My therapist I had there was really nice and was trying to do everything he could to get us to help we need, but the insurance company instantly shut him down when he was asking about the program in Louisiana. They said they had no funding. I find that hard to believe when they just paid for a $30,000 inpatient psych stay. This is so frustrating! I guess we are just going to have to do things on our own from now on. We are trying to meet with a different therapist who works in the same practice as Misty, but not sure how that’s going to work. Meeting with my caseworker today in my apartment. Hoping that goes well. When I got home, I had to straighten my house because my kitty cat made quite a mess while I was gone. He is back to his lovable self, and I woke up this morning to him sleeping beside me on the couch. I have an air mattress, but I’m going to have to buy a new bed because the mattress keeps losing air for some unknown reason. Well in the hospital, the staff were really triggering. They were talking about their diets and their low-calorie foods and drinks. I asked them to stop, and they said, “this is not an eating disorder is unit, you’re just going to have to deal with it. “Overall, a negative experience in the hospital. The doctor and therapist did what they could. We saw three psychiatrists while you are there. Sorry if there any mistakes in this post, I’m using dictation. Tiger just me out to say hi to you all. How is everyone today? I will be posting a YouTube video later with an update.
So the insurance company has denied the prior authorization for river oaks in Louisiana. They say that there is not enough clinical information in the authorization for them to approve it. I am going to have to ask my psychiatrist to send in an authorization which is another one for them to approve or deny. If they deny this one, then we don’t have anywhere else to turn. We don’t have anywhere to go if we are not feeling safe at his new place is more except us at all. Spoke to my therapist earlier, and she got frustrated with me because our conversation was more than five minutes long. Also tried calling back a few minutes ago to speak with another case manager, and the receptionist said you know they’re busy they have other clients. I just don’t see how these people got their job to begin with with the abrasiveness of their attitudes.
I’m not ok. Dr. Bland took us off all meds. No one will help us. Our team isn’t answering my calls or returning them. I’m not sure what to do. I can’t go to the ER. They send us home even after suicide attempts. They don’t care.
I now weigh 99 pounds. I’m 5 ft. 4. I just can’t do this anymore!!!
So, we just got back from the hospital. It was a frustrating experience. Everyone there was recommending residential treatment, but Medicaid won’t cover it. I know reallistically that I can’t afford to lose more weight but there are times when I just want to keep losing. I know it’s not a good idea. Also, my therapist wants me to bring in information for her about my DID and the ED. I can’t do her job for her. I’m not qualified to train her. She has no one to refer me to as no one around here has any experience working with DID or ED that takes Medicaid.
Meridian even director involved in my case, and they still said no that they wouldn’t cover residential. They even said that if we needed inpatient ED treatment that they wouldn’t pay for that either. I tried to get into Timberline Knolls, but that’s a long story. Here goes.
So a few weeks ago, I called TK to see about going there as my insurance said that they could do a one time single case agreement with them. I told them I was blind, and they said that they had to take it to their board of directors. I then did the intake asesment, and they said that there was no reason why I shouldn’t be able to get in. They then called me the next day and said that they couldn’t accept me because of the number of alters I have. That was a bullshit excuse. I honestly think it was just another excuse for them to cover up the whole blindness thing. Just not sure what to do.
So we’re in the ER again. We haven’t been here for three months. Just couldn’t handle the meds not working. The system was going down fast. I was actually on lockdown because I couldn’t cope. Now it’s just a waiting game to see if anyone accepts us. I texted our insurance care coordinator to tell her that they needed to pay for the treatment I needed not subpar treatment. I will keep you updated if I can. Thanks for reading and all your support.
So, my psychologist just terminated me. He said it’s because I can’t let go of my beliefs about food. He only had 8 sessions with us. Now we have no one who specializes in DID or ED. Also, our psychiatrist’s office told me yesterday that they don’t work with patients with ED. If I want to get any kind of treatment, I have to go to Chicago for subsidized housing which the waiting lists are long for. They range between 6 months to a year or longer. Just feel so lost, defeated, alone, and depressed.
So, my PCP told me that I was not sick enough for treatment for my ED. She said, “you’re physically healthy, you’re at the lower end of normal BMI, your labs look good (they were taken a month ago), insurance probably wouldn’t even pay for an intensive outpatient program or for just outpatient therapy. “She just said to eat six small meals a day (For snack size meals and 1/2 container of ensure twice per day). So basically, none of the professionals on my treatment team are taking things seriously. When they where you at the doctors office, they don’t even take the weight off for the weight of your clothes, so they do not get an accurate picture of how much you weigh. I just don’t know what to do. I can’t go to residential because my insurance doesn’t cover it. She asked me which behaviors and I had and I told her I restricted my food intake, and she said well you’re not anorexic or bulimic, and restricting alone won’t get you into inpatient (like restricting is less of an issue then purging). I’m just so frustrated because I went in today looking for answers, and I got nothing. Makes me want to recover less and less. Makes me want to get to that “sick enough “where people actually take me seriously. It’s sad that we have to do that.
So, we just had therapy. We discussed the fact that even through everything that I or the others have done to try and kill the body, we are still alive. He told me that I need to acknowledge that I and others, (thghgh sometimes not everybody) have the will to keep fighting and that we are still surviving after everything we’ve been through. He also said that we can’t expect professionals who haven’t been helpful in the past to suddenly change and do what they’re supposed to do. He the is so much stigma and that we’re not going to erase it all. He wants me to draft a document that we have made as a plan so that if we have to go to the ER we can show it to the doctors. He encouraged me that I would prevail and that recovery has its ups and downs. He says that no one is perfect and I can’t hold myself to standards that are to high for me to meet. He wants me to make a daily goal in regards to the eating, but if I don’t meet it, he wants me to accept it for what it is. He says we take each day as it comes.
So, yesterday, we had our therapy session with Dr. V. The session went well. I discussed with him how I felt invalidated when he didn’t seem to acknowledge my feelings when I texted him with emojis. IT turns out, he was just really busy and didn’t really have a lot of time to respond. He’s also going to talk to my soon to be former therapist. I also told him that we had an alter in the system who modeled after our mother. He told me to validate her feelings but to be cautious. He gets the whole abandonment thing with therapists leaving because our problems were too much to handle. He keeps reassuring us that he won’t leave. Overall, it was a good session.