Therapy yesterday

So we had therapy yesterday. We were exhausted when we got home so went right to sleep afterward. We discussed a lot. have most of the session, and then Emmie had some of it to. I talked about how there’s only so long that we can be expected to be strong, and how that I felt like we were being retraumatised again by the insurance company because it felt like they had all the control. It feels like they are dictating our lives. I was so overwhelmed. Lily introduced us to theraplay. It’s a technique that helps me and other parts get the care we never got as children. It helps us experience what a true attachment is supposed to be. You use things like objects to stemulate the senses. It’s pretty cool. Also, things like good toutching and pressure touch using lotion to show what a good touch is. It was a good session.

Ray

Doctor’s appointment and therapy yesterday *tw* sexual abuse

Hello everyone,
So yesterday I went to see Dr. Dynda, and he said that from a medical standpoint everything was fine as my vitamin D went up by three points. He said your weight is stable it’s above 90 pounds at least it’s not 80 or 70 pounds. He seen me in three months. He also told me that we have to restart this entire process of trying to get into River Oaks. What has all this work done for for the last year? Has it been for nothing? I just feel like everyone spinning their wheels because no one knows what to do.
Also talked to Lily on the phone yesterday and we talked about the sexual assaults that we suffered as an adult. I thought I was ready to tell her about them so I forced myself to, but that was not a good idea. I am some of the others are in flashback land. It’s not good. My doctor also wants me to go to my psychiatrist appointment today, but here’s the psychiatrist who said he does not believe we meet criteria for anything that we’ve been diagnosed with. I cannot knowingly go to someone who is not going to believe what I say. So I’m not going. The doctor did say that if I don’t go it would not look good on my insurance. He said it would look like I am not complying with the treatment they are willing to cover.*Sarcasm*
Today we are meeting with Sarrah for a two hour mental health assessment review. Sara is our caseworker. I think Amelia is going to write her a letter or something I’m not entirely sure what’s going on with that, but there’s really nothing Sara can do. If the insurance won’t pay for the treatment we need, we can’t force them.
Ray

? Not a good enough anorexic? not sick enough?

Going to the doctor in a little bit, and I know I have gained weight. My fear is that he is going to say I am not sick enough for treatment because I gained 2 pounds. I just wish this were easier for us to handle. I hope we are able to get into river oaks. I know I need treatment, but I still can’t help feeling that I’m not sick enough that I don’t deserve it.

Ray

Dark Place

I’m not ok. Dr. Bland took us off all meds. No one will help us. Our team isn’t answering my calls or returning them. I’m not sure what to do. I can’t go to the ER. They send us home even after suicide attempts. They don’t care.

Trigger Warning:

I now weigh 99 pounds. I’m 5 ft. 4. I just can’t do this anymore!!!

Ray

Just got back from the hospital today

So, we just got back from the hospital. It was a frustrating experience. Everyone there was recommending residential treatment, but Medicaid won’t cover it. I know reallistically that I can’t afford to lose more weight but there are times when I just want to keep losing. I know it’s not a good idea. Also, my therapist wants me to bring in information for her about my DID and the ED. I can’t do her job for her. I’m not qualified to train her. She has no one to refer me to as no one around here has any experience working with DID or ED that takes Medicaid.

Meridian even director involved in my case, and they still said no that they wouldn’t cover residential. They even said that if we needed inpatient ED treatment that they wouldn’t pay for that either. I tried to get into Timberline Knolls, but that’s a long story. Here goes.

So a few weeks ago, I called TK to see about going there as my insurance said that they could do a one time single case agreement with them. I told them I was blind, and they said that they had to take it to their board of directors. I then did the intake asesment, and they said that there was no reason why I shouldn’t be able to get in. They then called me the next day and said that they couldn’t accept me because of the number of alters I have. That was a bullshit excuse. I honestly think it was just another excuse for them to cover up the whole blindness thing. Just not sure what to do.

Ray

IN THE ER

So we’re in the ER again. We haven’t been here for three months. Just couldn’t handle the meds not working. The system was going down fast. I was actually on lockdown because I couldn’t cope. Now it’s just a waiting game to see if anyone accepts us. I texted our insurance care coordinator to tell her that they needed to pay for the treatment I needed not subpar treatment. I will keep you updated if I can. Thanks for reading and all your support.

Ray

FAKE SMILE

im tired of pretending everything’s ok. my meds aren’t working. my ED is out of control. my whole system is in chaos. i also found out today that residentil ED treatment isn’t an option. i tried applying to a free Christian residentil program for women called Mercy Multiplied, and they said that because of having DID, it makes me unsta and it’s more than they are equipped to treat. They say they treat trauma, but they don’t handle the most complex form of it. Guess I was have to accept that there is no help.

Ray

FEELING APREHENSIVE

So, I’m going !my doctor on Monday. My care coordinator from my insurance -pany will be there. My caseworker will also be there. This doctor isn’t reY a doctor. She’s a nurse practitioner. I’m just afraid she’ll say I’m not sick enough clinicY for eating disorder treatment. I’m also apprehensive that the program we’re going to at OSF will know how !help us. Guess you could say, it’s hard for us !trust professionals.

Ray

NO THERAPIST???

So, my psychologist just terminated me. He said it’s because I can’t let go of my beliefs about food. He only had 8 sessions with us. Now we have no one who specializes in DID or ED. Also, our psychiatrist’s office told me yesterday that they don’t work with patients with ED. If I want to get any kind of treatment, I have to go to Chicago for subsidized housing which the waiting lists are long for. They range between 6 months to a year or longer. Just feel so lost, defeated, alone, and depressed.

Not sick enough?

So, my PCP told me that I was not sick enough for treatment for my ED. She said, “you’re physically healthy, you’re at the lower end of normal BMI, your labs look good (they were taken a month ago), insurance probably wouldn’t even pay for an intensive outpatient program or for just outpatient therapy. “She just said to eat six small meals a day (For snack size meals and 1/2 container of ensure twice per day). So basically, none of the professionals on my treatment team are taking things seriously. When they where you at the doctors office, they don’t even take the weight off for the weight of your clothes, so they do not get an accurate picture of how much you weigh. I just don’t know what to do. I can’t go to residential because my insurance doesn’t cover it. She asked me which behaviors and I had and I told her I restricted my food intake, and she said well you’re not anorexic or bulimic, and restricting alone won’t get you into inpatient (like restricting is less of an issue then purging). I’m just so frustrated because I went in today looking for answers, and I got nothing. Makes me want to recover less and less. Makes me want to get to that “sick enough “where people actually take me seriously. It’s sad that we have to do that.