Dark Place

I’m not ok. Dr. Bland took us off all meds. No one will help us. Our team isn’t answering my calls or returning them. I’m not sure what to do. I can’t go to the ER. They send us home even after suicide attempts. They don’t care.

Trigger Warning:

I now weigh 99 pounds. I’m 5 ft. 4. I just can’t do this anymore!!!

Ray

Just got back from the hospital today

So, we just got back from the hospital. It was a frustrating experience. Everyone there was recommending residential treatment, but Medicaid won’t cover it. I know reallistically that I can’t afford to lose more weight but there are times when I just want to keep losing. I know it’s not a good idea. Also, my therapist wants me to bring in information for her about my DID and the ED. I can’t do her job for her. I’m not qualified to train her. She has no one to refer me to as no one around here has any experience working with DID or ED that takes Medicaid.

Meridian even director involved in my case, and they still said no that they wouldn’t cover residential. They even said that if we needed inpatient ED treatment that they wouldn’t pay for that either. I tried to get into Timberline Knolls, but that’s a long story. Here goes.

So a few weeks ago, I called TK to see about going there as my insurance said that they could do a one time single case agreement with them. I told them I was blind, and they said that they had to take it to their board of directors. I then did the intake asesment, and they said that there was no reason why I shouldn’t be able to get in. They then called me the next day and said that they couldn’t accept me because of the number of alters I have. That was a bullshit excuse. I honestly think it was just another excuse for them to cover up the whole blindness thing. Just not sure what to do.

Ray

IN THE ER

So we’re in the ER again. We haven’t been here for three months. Just couldn’t handle the meds not working. The system was going down fast. I was actually on lockdown because I couldn’t cope. Now it’s just a waiting game to see if anyone accepts us. I texted our insurance care coordinator to tell her that they needed to pay for the treatment I needed not subpar treatment. I will keep you updated if I can. Thanks for reading and all your support.

Ray

FAKE SMILE

im tired of pretending everything’s ok. my meds aren’t working. my ED is out of control. my whole system is in chaos. i also found out today that residentil ED treatment isn’t an option. i tried applying to a free Christian residentil program for women called Mercy Multiplied, and they said that because of having DID, it makes me unsta and it’s more than they are equipped to treat. They say they treat trauma, but they don’t handle the most complex form of it. Guess I was have to accept that there is no help.

Ray

FEELING APREHENSIVE

So, I’m going !my doctor on Monday. My care coordinator from my insurance -pany will be there. My caseworker will also be there. This doctor isn’t reY a doctor. She’s a nurse practitioner. I’m just afraid she’ll say I’m not sick enough clinicY for eating disorder treatment. I’m also apprehensive that the program we’re going to at OSF will know how !help us. Guess you could say, it’s hard for us !trust professionals.

Ray

NO THERAPIST???

So, my psychologist just terminated me. He said it’s because I can’t let go of my beliefs about food. He only had 8 sessions with us. Now we have no one who specializes in DID or ED. Also, our psychiatrist’s office told me yesterday that they don’t work with patients with ED. If I want to get any kind of treatment, I have to go to Chicago for subsidized housing which the waiting lists are long for. They range between 6 months to a year or longer. Just feel so lost, defeated, alone, and depressed.

Not sick enough?

So, my PCP told me that I was not sick enough for treatment for my ED. She said, “you’re physically healthy, you’re at the lower end of normal BMI, your labs look good (they were taken a month ago), insurance probably wouldn’t even pay for an intensive outpatient program or for just outpatient therapy. “She just said to eat six small meals a day (For snack size meals and 1/2 container of ensure twice per day). So basically, none of the professionals on my treatment team are taking things seriously. When they where you at the doctors office, they don’t even take the weight off for the weight of your clothes, so they do not get an accurate picture of how much you weigh. I just don’t know what to do. I can’t go to residential because my insurance doesn’t cover it. She asked me which behaviors and I had and I told her I restricted my food intake, and she said well you’re not anorexic or bulimic, and restricting alone won’t get you into inpatient (like restricting is less of an issue then purging). I’m just so frustrated because I went in today looking for answers, and I got nothing. Makes me want to recover less and less. Makes me want to get to that “sick enough “where people actually take me seriously. It’s sad that we have to do that.

Just had therapy

So, we just had therapy. We discussed the fact that even through everything that I or the others have done to try and kill the body, we are still alive. He told me that I need to acknowledge that I and others, (thghgh sometimes not everybody) have the will to keep fighting and that we are still surviving after everything we’ve been through. He also said that we can’t expect professionals who haven’t been helpful in the past to suddenly change and do what they’re supposed to do. He the is so much stigma and that we’re not going to erase it all. He wants me to draft a document that we have made as a plan so that if we have to go to the ER we can show it to the doctors. He encouraged me that I would prevail and that recovery has its ups and downs. He says that no one is perfect and I can’t hold myself to standards that are to high for me to meet. He wants me to make a daily goal in regards to the eating, but if I don’t meet it, he wants me to accept it for what it is. He says we take each day as it comes.

Ray

Yesterday’s Therapy Session

Hi everyone,

So, yesterday, we had our therapy session with Dr. V. The session went well. I discussed with him how I felt invalidated when he didn’t seem to acknowledge my feelings when I texted him with emojis. IT turns out, he was just really busy and didn’t really have a lot of time to respond. He’s also going to talk to my soon to be former therapist. I also told him that we had an alter in the system who modeled after our mother. He told me to validate her feelings but to be cautious. He gets the whole abandonment thing with therapists leaving because our problems were too much to handle. He keeps reassuring us that he won’t leave. Overall, it was a good session.

Ray

day of appointments

So, I have a day full of appointments. First our homemaker is coming over for an hour and ahalf to help with things around the house, then I have an appointment with my soon to be former therapist, then after that, I have an appointment with anorhter therapist to discuss whether DBT is going to be good to do right now. Then at four, I meet with my psychologist. I will blog about all those things. So you will see a few posts from us. Have a good day, and thanks for reading.

Ray