Tired of getting my hopes up

Hi everyone,

So I’m tired of getting my hopes up only to have them – to again. I thought I was going to get to go to Renfrew in Chicago for eating disorder treatment. They recommended the residential program, so I assumed that they had that program at the Chicago location. I later looked at their website only to realize they did not have residential at that location. So even if they did do a single case agreement with my insurance, I would not be able to go as the residential location is in another state. I am done reaching out to people to ask for help only to be told that I can’t be helped or to be told by the insurance company that they’re not going to pay for something. I just wish something positive would happen! I don’t want to end up on the medical floor getting a feeding tube because insurance refuses to pay for the treatment that we need!


Good morning

So, how is everyone doing today? We’re doing ok today. Still feeling suicidal though, but we’ll have to make the best of it. Have to fake it till we make it. All I know is that I can’t keep going like this. We’re continuing to lose weight. Not sure how much longer I can keep doing this. I just feel so alone. I could really use a friend. Just feeling really defeated. I want to cut. I’ve never done that before. T’i always been Amilia. Not sure why I want to do it. Does this mean I’m a failure? I hate myself. I don’t want to live. My mood is all over the place. I hate this. I hope this insurance says yes. I really really hope they do.


Dark Place

I’m not ok. Dr. Bland took us off all meds. No one will help us. Our team isn’t answering my calls or returning them. I’m not sure what to do. I can’t go to the ER. They send us home even after suicide attempts. They don’t care.

Trigger Warning:

I now weigh 99 pounds. I’m 5 ft. 4. I just can’t do this anymore!!!


Long talk with insurance care coordinator

So just had a long talk with the care coordinator whose over behavioral health for my insurance. She told me that residential definitely wasn’t an option, and she also said that if inpatient ED treatment was need that it wasn’t covered either. She’s concerned about the amount of re losing, but the things she could recommend were outpatient. She wants my team to all have a conference call to discuss the future of my treatment. I told her I would do my best to work with them even though they keep blowing us off. She said we needed to focus on the ED right now and the other stuff later. I guess that’s going to have to work for now. Every time something comes up in therapy about dissociation or an alter comes out to talk, my therapist is litterally speechless. I just feel like I’m running into briak walls everywhere we turn. I mean, heck, even my PCP said I wasn’t sick enough for treatment. So if oupatient doesn’t work, we’re screwed. I don’t even know what to say anymore.



So we’re in the ER again. We haven’t been here for three months. Just couldn’t handle the meds not working. The system was going down fast. I was actually on lockdown because I couldn’t cope. Now it’s just a waiting game to see if anyone accepts us. I texted our insurance care coordinator to tell her that they needed to pay for the treatment I needed not subpar treatment. I will keep you updated if I can. Thanks for reading and all your support.



So, I went to see Jodi today. She wants me to keep a log of the food that I eat for the next two weeks. I’m not sure tas a good idea as that is one of the things that got me into my ED in the first place. She referred me to a dietician, and I’m going to see her on the 26th. I’m going for my assessment for the ED program on the 29th. We’re also trying to sort out the whole electrophysiologist thing. There was a mixup with communication between doctors. One thing that Jodi doesn’t understand is that there are going to be days that I’m going to struggle. She just expecffs me to meet my caloric intake goal every day. She’s finY going to see about increasing my Lamictol when I see her again in two weeks. Overall, a good appointment. Just a little nervous about the whole food diary thing.



So, I’m going !my doctor on Monday. My care coordinator from my insurance -pany will be there. My caseworker will also be there. This doctor isn’t reY a doctor. She’s a nurse practitioner. I’m just afraid she’ll say I’m not sick enough clinicY for eating disorder treatment. I’m also apprehensive that the program we’re going to at OSF will know how !help us. Guess you could say, it’s hard for us !trust professionals.



Hi, so i’m getting assessed for a program at a clinic in Peoria for their eating diosrderrs program. They have three levels of care: IOP, PHP, and OP. The evaluation takes two hours to do. Insurance is paying for me to go to thiss program. Hoping this will help us. Kind of nervous about the program though as. I’ve never been in ED treatment before.



So our care coordinator is coming this morning. Not sure what this is going to be about, but I guess we will see. Hoping something good can come of it. I have had my morning Ensure today already. I’m really trying hard at this whole recovery thing. I’ve been dealing with this ED for way to long. Hoping that when Jennifer comes this morning she has some ideas for what we can do about this. Hope everyone has a good day. I plan on posting here more after the appointment. Much love to all of you, and thank you for all your support. It really means a lot. I love each and every one of you. I have a friend named Carol Anne. You can follow her blog at


I know she would appreciate it. To anyone who is struggling today, you’re not alone.