Tired of getting my hopes up

Hi everyone,

So I’m tired of getting my hopes up only to have them – to again. I thought I was going to get to go to Renfrew in Chicago for eating disorder treatment. They recommended the residential program, so I assumed that they had that program at the Chicago location. I later looked at their website only to realize they did not have residential at that location. So even if they did do a single case agreement with my insurance, I would not be able to go as the residential location is in another state. I am done reaching out to people to ask for help only to be told that I can’t be helped or to be told by the insurance company that they’re not going to pay for something. I just wish something positive would happen! I don’t want to end up on the medical floor getting a feeding tube because insurance refuses to pay for the treatment that we need!

Ray

Therapy in a little bit

Hi everyone, We have therapy in like half an hour. Enigma needs to talk to him today about her feeling suicidal. I hope we have a good session. Ray

Been in the hospital and update insurance still not paying for trauma program

Hey everyone,

So we’ve been in the hospital for like 10 days. Insurance was going to stop paying today anyway. We were supposed to have a psychiatrist appointment today, but the appointment got deleted from my caseworkers computer, so she can’t take me. Had to reschedule the appointment, but the next time he was available wasn’t until August 2. So I just got out of inpatient and have to wait until then to see him. While in the hospital, they put us on eating disorder protocol for like two days and then took us off because we were eating 50% of our meals. Was told by a psychiatrist that if I did not learn to control my dissociation I was never going to get better. He is a freaking jerk! My therapist I had there was really nice and was trying to do everything he could to get us to help we need, but the insurance company instantly shut him down when he was asking about the program in Louisiana. They said they had no funding. I find that hard to believe when they just paid for a $30,000 inpatient psych stay. This is so frustrating! I guess we are just going to have to do things on our own from now on. We are trying to meet with a different therapist who works in the same practice as Misty, but not sure how that’s going to work. Meeting with my caseworker today in my apartment. Hoping that goes well. When I got home, I had to straighten my house because my kitty cat made quite a mess while I was gone. He is back to his lovable self, and I woke up this morning to him sleeping beside me on the couch. I have an air mattress, but I’m going to have to buy a new bed because the mattress keeps losing air for some unknown reason. Well in the hospital, the staff were really triggering. They were talking about their diets and their low-calorie foods and drinks. I asked them to stop, and they said, “this is not an eating disorder is unit, you’re just going to have to deal with it. “Overall, a negative experience in the hospital. The doctor and therapist did what they could. We saw three psychiatrists while you are there. Sorry if there any mistakes in this post, I’m using dictation. Tiger just me out to say hi to you all. How is everyone today? I will be posting a YouTube video later with an update.

Ray

Good morning

So, how is everyone doing today? We’re doing ok today. Still feeling suicidal though, but we’ll have to make the best of it. Have to fake it till we make it. All I know is that I can’t keep going like this. We’re continuing to lose weight. Not sure how much longer I can keep doing this. I just feel so alone. I could really use a friend. Just feeling really defeated. I want to cut. I’ve never done that before. T’i always been Amilia. Not sure why I want to do it. Does this mean I’m a failure? I hate myself. I don’t want to live. My mood is all over the place. I hate this. I hope this insurance says yes. I really really hope they do.

Ray

Dark Place

I’m not ok. Dr. Bland took us off all meds. No one will help us. Our team isn’t answering my calls or returning them. I’m not sure what to do. I can’t go to the ER. They send us home even after suicide attempts. They don’t care.

Trigger Warning:

I now weigh 99 pounds. I’m 5 ft. 4. I just can’t do this anymore!!!

Ray

LOST CAUSE??? *tw* suicide

Are we a lost cause? It sure seems that way.

We reach out for help, and it’s like no one hears us. Amilia reaches out, and because she can’t speak, no one listens. She wants to go back to expressing her pain in other ways.

What will it take for people to listen?

Ray

IN THE ER

So we’re in the ER again. We haven’t been here for three months. Just couldn’t handle the meds not working. The system was going down fast. I was actually on lockdown because I couldn’t cope. Now it’s just a waiting game to see if anyone accepts us. I texted our insurance care coordinator to tell her that they needed to pay for the treatment I needed not subpar treatment. I will keep you updated if I can. Thanks for reading and all your support.

Ray

Not sick enough?

So, my PCP told me that I was not sick enough for treatment for my ED. She said, “you’re physically healthy, you’re at the lower end of normal BMI, your labs look good (they were taken a month ago), insurance probably wouldn’t even pay for an intensive outpatient program or for just outpatient therapy. “She just said to eat six small meals a day (For snack size meals and 1/2 container of ensure twice per day). So basically, none of the professionals on my treatment team are taking things seriously. When they where you at the doctors office, they don’t even take the weight off for the weight of your clothes, so they do not get an accurate picture of how much you weigh. I just don’t know what to do. I can’t go to residential because my insurance doesn’t cover it. She asked me which behaviors and I had and I told her I restricted my food intake, and she said well you’re not anorexic or bulimic, and restricting alone won’t get you into inpatient (like restricting is less of an issue then purging). I’m just so frustrated because I went in today looking for answers, and I got nothing. Makes me want to recover less and less. Makes me want to get to that “sick enough “where people actually take me seriously. It’s sad that we have to do that.

STRUGGLING WITH ED

So, I’m struggling tonight. Was having a really good day until after dinner. I started thinking about what I had just eaten, and then I was thinking about all the Ensure I have in my kitchen, and all I could think was dumping it down the drain. All I can think about is the calories. I’m glad we have a supportive therapist. I don’t want to seem to dependent on him though. The other thinng is I feel like crying, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I’m supposed to not show my emotions, or at least that’s the message I have always gotten. I just want to cry and scream and mourn the loss of my childhood. I know that will come with time. As my therapist says, I have to be ppatient.

Ray

IN NEED OF SUPPORT!!!

Hey everyone,

I’m in need of support. Things with me and the system are in chaos. Struggling with anxiety and depression. I’m not ok. One thing I learned in therapy is “It’s ok not to be ok.” We really need as much support as possible. You can email us using the contact form on the front page.

Ray