trauma and depression

Trigger warning: depression and trauma
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Oh how I wish I could help Lacey. I know she struggling so so much. I just wish I could take away her pain. I wish I could take her out of the memories and flashbacks and take away the feelings. I wish I could help her want to live. She started out by protecting me, but now I am protecting her. How is that possible? I don’t know. I just know so many of us are in so much pain. I’m trying to hold things together as best I can.
Ray

struggling TW from Lacey

TW trauma and sadness
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im not ok. i hate memories. i hate flashbacks. im back there again. i dont wanna feel. i wanna be safe. i hate this. hate being so sad. just feels like a black hole. thoughts in my mind so bleak and dark… just wanna feel numb.. hate this time of year. it still feels like 2005. can hear my grandparents yelling and screaming.
Lacey 13

Update on how we are doing trigger warning talk of eating disorder

Trigger warning

So, we went to our dietitian appointment today, and our dietitian has said she is cutting our appointments to half an hour instead of a whole hour because there is nothing she can really do because our eating disorder is so ingrained. We were in the car earlier with one of the drivers from our insurance company, and she asked me why I needed a dietitian because I am not very big. I then told her I was anorexic, and she said she wished she was anorexic. I’ve been told her that anorexia is not a lifestyle choice. I don’t think she realized the implications of her comment, but she still shouldn’t have said anything. We still have no updates from the insurance company, and I am refusing to call my care coordinator anymore because every time I call her she has no new information. So we are playing the hurry up and wait game. It’s very frustrating. We are doing the best we can with what we have. We thank all of you for your ongoing and continued support love and patience.
Ray

why me? *tw*

*triggers talk of ritual abuse*

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Why was I allowed to escape? Why weren’t the other kids allowed to be free? Why did they have to die or continue to be programmed? Why just why??? Why did we have to kill those children? Why did we have to do those horrible things? I feel so guilty!!!

Ray

Always live to inspire.

So so much *tw*

Hi everybody.

This is all to much. I dont wanna die!! We are really underweight. I want help, but no one will help us!! Feels like we have no control!! I dont like not having control!!! I dont know what to do. I just… dont know!! Just want to block everything out!!! Just so much anxiety!! So much pain… just so sad… so so sad.. just so tired… want the dreams to stop… just want it all to stop!!!
Emmie 12

At the ER again…

So we are at the ER again for psych. I just don’t understand why my insurance has to be so damn stupid!!! This is. Continuous cycle that needs to stop!!! We’re not really fixing the issue. We’re just glossing over it with a temporary band-aid.

Ray

WHAT THE HELL DO I HAVE TO Do TO GET TREATMENT??

what do i have to do to get treatment? we went to the new psychiatrist, and he basically said that he couldn’t help us. He also said that DID is just exaggerated BPD. he said that meds won’t help me and recommended that I continue to meet with my therapist and he’s not seeing us anymore. so much for providers actually listening to us!!! i mean, some of my providers have said that if i don’t get treatment, I will die! they don’t care!!

Ray

fat *tw*

im so fat!! i hate myself. im so disgusting. i want to keep decreasing my calories. i hate this!! i want to recover, but people notice this body now that they say we’re thin… im not though… im fat!!!

Emmie

not ok *tw* ED and weight and suicide

hi its emmie. i dont want to do this anymore. i hate the food. i just cant!!! i wouldn’t mind getting down to 85 pounds or even 80. We’re already 92. or maybe we should just cram our mouth full and risk the refeeding thing. since the insurance or doctors don’t care anyway. just feeling low.

Emmie