hi its emmie. i dont want to do this anymore. i hate the food. i just cant!!! i wouldn’t mind getting down to 85 pounds or even 80. We’re already 92. or maybe we should just cram our mouth full and risk the refeeding thing. since the insurance or doctors don’t care anyway. just feeling low.
So I went to my doctor on Monday, and he said that my weight was stable… BMI is 15.5. He said he’d see me in two months.
Also, had a conversation with my caseworker, and she said, “your dietitian isn’t going to let you die.” I told her it’s not about “letting” me die. There are things with eating disorders that can’t be seen visibly with like labs and stuff. She also takes things so personally!!
My doctor didn’t take labs, and hasn’t since June. He’s not taking them again until he sees me in two months. I just don’t know. Guess I’ll just wait for nothing to happen. I’m trying to eat. I really am, but it feels impossible. Any support would be greatly appreciated.
im struggling. i feel fat. i feel disgusting. I ate a bowl of Crave chocolate cereal, and now I feel guilty. So many calories. i know i need to eat, but why do i feel so guilty? God i hate tthis.
Today, I’m struggling with ED thoughts. I’m struggling with restricting and counting I’m obssessed with my weight. I just need support.
TRIGGER WARNING: TALK OF FOOD
Sso just ordered from papa johns. I ordered a chocolate chip brownie with caramel seasalt icing and some cheese sticks. I deserve food. I deserve to eat. I deserve nourishment. My body deserves it. It may not be the healthiest, but at least it’s food. I’m proud of myself!!!!
Trigger Warning: Mention of weight and numbers
So my psychologist isn’t concerned about our ED. He said he doesn’t get concerned unless weight goes below 100 pounds. I’m only 9 pounds away from that. He told me to not make an emergency of something that’s not. I told him I didn’t have a dietician especially not one that specializes in ED, and he said I didn’t need a specialist. I told him that a person with an eating disorder can have medical complications even at a normal weight. He told me that for treatment places to accept me, I would have to be at death’s door. He’s basically telling me I’m not sick enough for treatment. Makes me want to cake things worse just to prove to people that I need treatment. I just don’t know anymore!!!
Get rid of the scale!!!
You are not defined by the number on the scale. You are much more than that. I understand if you are trying to lose weight for health reasons, but you dont need to do it unhealthily.
Find someone you can talk to.
Having someone to talk to really helps me to know that I’m not alone. By the way, if anyone needs to talk, I’m here. You can email me at
Reach out for help!!
You want to nip an ED in the butt before it destroys you. I know an ED is all about control, but you want to take control of it before it takes control of you. I’ve been dealing with an ED for the last 17 years.
Join a support group.
I’m still learning to accept these tips myself, and I know there will be days when I struggle, but we all can overcome this. You are beautiful just the way you are. I believe in you. From no one else does, just remember my blog and that I believe in you. Stay strong and keep fighting no matter how hard it gets. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I just felt like someone needed to hear that. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.